Had taken a break from the site, then had a chance to do a week-long business trip some place really nice. Invited W, but couldn't work out kid care. Was a long, complicated trip.
Was disappointed in W's goodbye and welcome back reaction. W admitted and apologized for what was essentially no goodbye at all. W does not like phone, and prefers little contact while one of us is away. Always has been this way. At least kids were happy to see me home. Frustrated by fact W seemed not to miss me, and wondering when we'll ever ML. W's first reaction to something I brought her was concern about the cost, though today she seemed to recognize that it's a pretty nice item, and wore it. She did help with some travel issues I had during the trip, which is probably her way of helping me. Trying to be aware of our different personalities....
Dumb but I sort of wished for someone to meet me at the airport, or something. Don't think that has ever happend. Realized on the trip that I can't really remember what it is like to have someone want to be around me, call just for no reason, make arrangements to get together, miss me when I wasn't around, or otherwise focus a little attention on me.
Well, now I'm just complaining. As you all know, my W is too independent to "miss" me, and isn't into signs of affection. That's just what it is.
I wonder though: what must it feel like to be missed? what's it like to have a spouse enjoy ML enough to think about it, flirt, or otherwise make it clear that is what is on their mind.
Again, complaining. So I'll stop. Have things to be thankful for, and honestly SOOOOOO glad to be back in the USA.
I wonder though: what must it feel like to be missed? what's it like to have a spouse enjoy ML enough to think about it, flirt, or otherwise make it clear that is what is on their mind.
SL,
You need to come to grips with this: your wife isn't going to "miss" you, or feel attraction toward you, as long as she is emotionally (or more) attracted to her boss.
Your neediness isn't attractive, and I guarantee you that she feels it from you as it's oozing from your posts here.
Either confront her about what she's doing with this man, or move on happily with who YOU are and learn to value YOURSELF more, because this pining for her and walking on eggshells about what is an inappropriate relationship AT BEST isn't working for you, and I worry about your happiness and emotional health.
Careful SL... those types of thoughts can lead to A...
Just thinking out loud here, though. I'm guessing your ask these rhetorical questions in regard to a spouse, rather than in regard to other relationships... like parents, siblings, friends...
My trouble right now is giving the contact to the friends and family that have missed me for the years I was M and made myself less or unavailable to them. I'm still doing a lot of "keep myself busy; need to make money" stuff... I do, of course. But I also need to be less selfish of myself and make myself available to those in my life who DO want me around and enjoy my company.
I am sorry about someone picking you at the airport. Has it always been this way? If not, you'll just have to tell yourself that this is temporary and look forward to better things.
If you are just back you can take advantage and take out your wife on a date. She must have missed you somewhat. Use that as a prelude for a good date!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Your W actions are hurting your feelings. To a woman this indicates that you are not secure enough in yourself. ie neediness and emotional weakness, which is a big turnoff.
If you want all the things you mentioned, the first step is going to have to be not needing them. As tough as that is, it is within your personal control.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
MK, the airport thing is ok. We have the 3 kids and it's not easy to head out to the airport to pick up dad.
SF, that's a very good way you put that. It's similar to some things I wrote in the past, but better explained. It is the great irony of it all. Those who don't need the affection, get it. But it runs away from those who are looking for it. I once tried to explain this to my W regarding ML. Having to always ask or seek it weakened me and made me less attractive in her eyes, whereas settling on some common ground made a man strong, happy, secure, and attractive. I pointed out that while I can pretend not to care for a while, I do care. And in the end the choice as to what kind of man she was married to was really hers. My W sort of got it - made a little effort in this area for a while.
So I know you are right. But I'm not sure how to accomplish the first step (not needing these things). Choices seem to be: (1) somehow eliminate the need for affection or (2) (and I'm just saying logically, not that I'd do this) get ML somewhere else.
I speak of ML here, but I think it applies to all forms of affection. The spouse with the lower interest has the power; the other, regardless of their other qualities, seems needy and weak.
I recall MWD's tips for spouses with unequal desires, there were tips for both - but I'm guessing the spouse with the lower desire generally sees no problem with the way things are.
re-read MWD's articles on this and [edited by dbmod to delete reference: advertising/not recommended], which addresses this also. Found some helpful stuff, helping me to stay strong.
