Nine - For a very long time, I felt the way you do right now. I still do once in a while. Everyone was telling me to move on and get over it, and I just couldn't do it. Finally, a couple weeks ago, I basically forced myself to "quit". I looked at the reality of who STBX is now and the reality of what she has done over the last couple years and realized that I actually don't want to be with that woman. Yes, I want the woman I met and fell in love with, but she's no where to be found now.
Then, I realized that any interaction with STBX isn't good for me. Sure, it might feel good in the moment, but not after. It's a lot like a drug user in that way. But, it's also like a drug, in that if you go through the withdrawal and other nasty stuff, the reward is that it no longer has a hold on you. I have chosen to have nothing to do with STBX, unless it's absolutely required. That drug is not going in my veins.
So, here's my advice; go dark, whatever you want to call it. Heck, pretend she's dead if you have to. Count each day as a goal made. I know today is day 7 of my most recent darkness. It actually makes me feel like I have some control. I won't contact STBX, but if she contacts me, I will be civil, but that's it. No conversation that isn't required. I don't believe most of what she says anyway, so why bother? Then, right back to dark and counting the days again.
I may not be the best person to tell you how to handle this, since I have been here for years. But, at the same time, maybe I am, since I have finally found a way to break that hold that kept me here for so many years.
I will gladly be your darkness "buddy". We will support each other and have to answer to each other if we break the dark. It does help to have someone who you know is not going to accept excuses and will make you stick to a plan.
I literally see myself in your texts, and truly know what you feel and for that reason, want to help you. You will get past this and so will I. We are good men and deserve more.
