My last thread was about my xh's unremitting hostility, most of the time, for the past 5 and a half years.
Well since Easter he has been mild and pleasant towards me in a limited contact. We have exchanged quite a few emails, and he is a little bit like he used to be, but more depressed! He has been trying for some time now to rebuild a relationship with his children, but not trying very hard from a normal perspective. According to my youngest he feels we all abandoned him, which is a bit weird since he could not wait to get out of the door, and repeatedly put OW and her family first, as they do
I had a long and to me happy marriage [35 years] and we have three grown up kids. No grandkids. I dont know what I want. A part of me is enjoying our cautious email exchange. We now live a long way apart. Do I want to put the effort in to rebuilding a friendship, [I do not want any more, and neither I think does he] since he was always my closest friend. Because it is going to take work even to be friends, Lots of it.
I have been DBing and doing a 180 for me in the emails: quite fun, I never really had a chance to do this before.
In favour of gently pursuing this are the following. A long marriage and friendship, shared children, and a lot of goodness and kindness from him to me during that time. He is intelligent and we like the same things. Also I think it might give me final closure.
Against is that he is still seems to be somewhat in MLC, certainly very broken, and probably unpredictable. It would be a lot of work from me, and I would likely face rebuffs [not that he has the power to hurt me as he did any more].
It is odd, when they do seem to start to emerge from the fog they are broken, although not admitting it for the most part. They aren't the person who went into MLC, and we aren't the person they left. And yet there is still something there, that we both know about. We cannot ever get back what we lost, and I feel very confused. My dreams are strange, and full of past events. I think it is about healing for us both, and that is why it is important to think about it.
I no longer have any interest in the rights and wrongs of all that happened. I understand enough about MLC [although no one can get in their heads] to know that he was driven and felt he 'had' to do these things. Whereas I see he had a choice.
I should add that I am in a good place, not perfect - I have further surgery upcoming shortly, which I have not mentioned to xh, nor shall I, and a large project which I am probably mad to have started on at my age, but that is a fun challenge.
Have any old timers been here? It is not about rebuilding the marriage, but about whether to even try and foster a relationship with this broken individual who was once my dearly loved husband, and for whom I still feel love and compassion.
