Aaah, man, learned today that she was out of town for the weekend, and I suspect I know where she was. Given a good long weekend of GAL and ignoring her, it's a bit of a wallow in depression.
(well, particularly since I had some old friends over for the weekend and wound up showing pics of my last three years overseas, and of course W was in just about every one).
Man oh man. Put me right back on the WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!? map.
Unfortunately she turned into a ferret again (wereferret?) in her last email, with loverly quotes like "Just know that if you expect this to work out, you have a hellacious amount of convincing me to do. I do not think it is possible that I will ever want this to work out, at this point." ... which, you know, ALMOST sounds like a tiny thread of positive, except that she followed with "As far as I'm concerned, I'm looking forward to the day when I don't have to get emails from you. Maybe someday in the future we can be friends again, but there are huge bridges that will have to be rebuilt and wounds that will have to heal before that will be possible. Right now, I just want to be in a place where you can't hurt me any more, whether you intend to or not."
Ow ow ow. This theme of unintentional hurt is a common one with W--things like me saying "wow, that'd be cool; I'd be so jealous" when she suggested she try out for community theater and her internalizing that as a horrible slap so that she would never try out, after all, it MADE ME JEALOUS.
Wut? But pointing out this seemed overly sensitive was remarkably unwise.
Man oh man. And when I said I would be faithful to her during the separation and she said "I will NOT promise that!"? Her recent email: "I am incredibly proud of my own behavior over the last month, right down to the refusing to promise my fidelity during the breakup. You may not be happy with it, but I am, and this is the sort of behavior I hope to continue, since it's basically standing up for myself."
Man, I got no idea how to respond here. I feel like the early comments mean I should try and find some way to convince her, but I can't see any way in which I can.
Dang MLC... everything's about her "independence"; she even said she didn't want to move in with her best friend because she didn't want to be in any relationship more intimate than casual friends because she can't stand the effect it has on her.
She's pretty screwed up. She really needs some SERIOUS independence to both give her a reality check and/or build up her self-esteem. But she can't do that while being supported by a monthly paycheck from me, and the only way she won't get a monthly paycheck from me is well past D, which I still don't want, although after a lot of this I'm getting closer...
Yep mine was doing the whole independence routine just a few weeks ago. In fact she says that once we move she will super try to become independent which is a good thing as long as lines are not crossed.
I really have no good advice but to wait for reality to kick in. Show her lots of respect, and always remind her that all this was by her choice. Also expect her to come back with a long list of demands if she does. Some of these may sound outrageous to you, she is in wish list mode. Let life teach her some lessons. She'll be a better W for it too.
Problem is she still expects me to pay "interim maintenance" (before and after the D). So reality WON'T kick in. And it's very expensive (I'm calculating it based on "divide spending money after house and fixed payments by half" and on the CO alimony formula, and the two basically agree pretty close... except that while married it's not tax deductible).
Gotta admit, if D wasn't so financially punishing, I'd grant it to her today. There are plenty of other women, probably plenty more attractive, enjoyable, and supportive than this person who is putting me through the wringer with "take, take, take". How six months ago she was sending me emails saying she loved me and would forever is absolutely beyond me.
Yeah most MLC WAW are very adamant about not taking. Depending on you takes their independence. Sounds like she is getting advice from the league of evil ex wives.
My best advice is to calmly and lovingly explain to her the financial difficulties this creates for you. Then go ahead and grant them. Coming out as the bigger person is paramount IMHO. Even if you give her the money she will realize eventually that it will run out someday. Also if possible try negotiating to only give her enough for the basics. It'll be contradictory to fund a party lifestyle.
It's tough... she's not negotiating hardly at all, and then comes up with WEIRD things... like my sister and I packed away all her stuff and I kept asking if she wanted any of the furniture... silence (for weeks) on this subject despite a little prodding. Finally got out of her yesterday that she couldn't afford to ship it so was starting to buy all her own stuff instead of even bringing up how to do it. She also said she didn't want to say what furniture she wanted because she didn't want to be limited by that.
So I have to make some decisions (like interim maintenance pay) because FFS *someone* has to, and then get told how I'm taking away her choice by making the decision without her.
This is very hard.
Incidentally, I'm now reading "The Science of Trust" by John Gottman, which may be the finest book on couple relationships I've read (and I've been reading a TON of them). I'm finally understanding what caused some of the breakdown (the rest is, I'm still convinced, an MLC). Very good stuff.
