My sons prayer.....

[Albuquerque]

Red,

Maintaining contact with H makes it difficult to detach, but it can be done. However, if you think the contact is impeding your ability to detach, you need to limit your contact. Right now, your focus needs to be on you.

Ive gone dim/dark whatever you want to call it. I dont call, email, text. I only respond very politely to what he asks. Im GAL. I look fantastic. I go to the gym most days. I just started baking. Im gone back to church. I pray every night. I look after S3. I play and do fun stuff with S3. I read and read some more. And now what?

What do you mean and now what? Isn't that enough? You look fantastic. You have a life. You're enjoying your spirituality. You are enjoying life with your son.

Are you saying you are only doing these things in the hopes that it will get H to come back? Are you saying that unless H steps up and realizes what he's done, all these actions are pointless?

Yes, those are hypothetical questions since I'm sure you didn't mean it completely that way. However, be careful of how you are viewing your life. You are viewing it as incomplete without H. And while all of us on these boards can empathize with that, you have to get past that. Your life must proceed without H and without expectations. You can't keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for H to "snap out of it". You've read my thread. My H has "kind of" snapped out of it and is STILL totally in the middle of it. This is a LOOOOOONG process and you are but a young'un.

Keep your focus on you.

[RedNailPolish]

Just got a phone call from H. Our dog has escaped from MILs house. Now he's out looking for her. However, he also said that MIL no longer wants her at her house coz she keeps running away. Then he said there were two options: 1) he will try to adopt her out or 2) I can keep her with me.

I want to keep her with me but my parents dont want her at their house. She is too big and requires too much maintenance. Plus she digs up their garden and jumps on everyone.

So now we are going to loose our dog. This day is not going so well.

[RedNailPolish]

Dinner didn't go so well

I didn't have PMA at all. I was sick and had a bad attitude. 

We talked about work mainly. And then he could obviously sense my disscomfort. He said you don't want to be here. I said I was sick. But he could tell it was more than that. No academy awards for me tonite.  

During the night I also told him that I didn't like being lied to (in reference to his credit card). He said he didn't lie - technically. Whatever he lied. Then at the end of the night I said that i was upset that he told S3 about us seperating and how he didn't live with us anymore. I said that if he thought it wad time to tell S3 then he should have discussed it with first. That we should have told him together. S3 was very upset when he told me about this. For a little boy he is very perceptive - aren't they all. 

Then to add cherry on top of a great evening, as H is putting S3 into the car S3 starts crying and says I want u to come home daddy. Pls come home.

The evening had not gone well at all. So I decided to call H. I apologised for my bad mood and told him why I was upset. I said I was upset because he was only seeing S3 for an hour this week. I was upset because he had told MIL that  I had given him the indication that I was moving on. I told him there and then that I had not moved on that I wanted it to work between us. That I wasn't hopeful that we would reconcile tomorrow but that in the future maybe. He said that I had no idea how much I had hurt him. That he thought i probably saw it as "not a big deal" (he is referring to being kicked out of the house). He said it really hurt his confidence. I said I didn't know but I was sorry he felt that way. I ended the conversation by saying I hoped to continue the dinners and talks. He said he did too. 

Here's the thing. I read somewhere that if H was having an affair and was in MLC the I should be doing the LRT. But I just now realized that whenever we have had a fight my natural instict is to go dark. I always and I mean always wait for him to apologise first, even if it's not his fault entirely. I'm stubborn stupidly stubborn. Can anyone say princess syndrome. So have I been doing this all wrong?

I also read somewhere that someone else, even when their H was having an affair and a MLC did a 180 and pursuid instead of LRT? The thought of doing this makes me so nervous but I think that's the whole point because it's not what I would normally do. I have never pursuid. I have always been pursuid. Always had the guys chasing me. So now what do I do? how do I do this if there is a OW in the scene?

Please people respond.....this is a BIG breakthrough for me to realise this. If you have any experience in doing this pls let me know as I would not know where to begin. I don't want to come off looking desperate. 

[punkin]

Red,

DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT PURSUE. If you do, you are a)setting yourself up for being used and discarded, B) allowing him to cake eat c) appearing desperate, which only appeals to his ego. I believe your instinct to go dark is correct, but you are still perhaps having too much interaction with him. Yes, I understand you WANT this interaction, crave it, but you can see it is definitely not good for you or your son.

Absolutely do not stand in the way of his relationship with his son, but that does not include a relationship with you in the bargain. Make him pursue you, and then keep the topics neutral. Avoid the fights at all costs. They are just a way of allowing him to justify his actions in the first place.

Just my two cents worth.

[RedNailPolish]

But by going dark/dim i would be doing what I normally do in this situation. Aren't I meant to do the opposite?

[punkin]

RNP,

No, not when your distance is about punishment for a perceived injustice. Detaching, and going dark is about distancing yourself for self protection. To allow the other to follow his path, but not drag you along behind. To allow yourself time to heal.

If I understood you correctly, you have used silence in the past as a 'weapon' of sorts. This is different. This is saying, "These are my boundaries. You have chosen a path I cannot follow, therefore, our lives intersect ONLY where there is no avoidance - our child." No family dinners, rides in the country, texting. Your H has chosen to leave you and your son behind. That means he has to understand the prospect of exactly what he has given up. His son will always be his son, but will you always be the family he can run to when he is feeling paternal and homey? I hope not, for both you and your son's sake.

Just my two cents.

[RedNailPolish]

Thanks Punkin.

Ill continue with being dark/dim. Theres really not much else to do. H does not contact me or S3. He really has just walked away.
Its hard when reality sets in.

[RedNailPolish]

Hi All,

Just a quick one. Most of the posts ive read indicate that the MLC spouse is verbally abuse - spew venom. My H has not done this. He is mostly silent and childish - conflict avoider. Texting one word messages. Acts happy about life and work. Or the one I really hate is when he is overly nice to me. Does anyone else have a similar experience?

[Flabbergasted]

Red,

Hello! I've been following along. My H has not been verbally abusive except possibly in the beginning. Then he pretty much said he "had to be" because he felt so bad and guilty that he didn't know how to treat me.

My H also avoids conflict...he prefers to talk on the phone because I think it really bothers him to look me in the eye after all he's done. He's sat on my couch and chatted about nothing important and then called me 10 minutes after leaving to tell me how horrible he feels about all that he's done. He says he feels numb and doesn't know if he'll ever be happy but he's still w OW and I don't see that ending.

I try not to believe or read into anything he says but its so hard not to have hope. I backslide but I've noticed I recover much more quickly.

I've lost 50 lbs since my husband left and twice in the past week he's commented on how good I'm doing...once even tried to say that he thought the only way I'd be happy was if we separated so he did it for me? Yeah, still on the crazy train.

Hang in there. You're a wonderful, caring, beautiful and intelligent woman.

Hugs,

Shel

[RedNailPolish]

Hi Shel

thanks for replying. It's so nice to hear from people who've had similar experiences. My H is definitely a conflict avoided. Or better known as passive aggresive. I somehow thought this would change when in MLC, seeing as every other aspect of him has. I'm not sure if H not yelling at me makes it better or worse. Better in a sense that I'm not being verbally abused. But worse is the mental abuse. And because he holds everything in I'm afraid that he will never face his issues. Nothing I can do about that. It is what it is. He is what he is. Nothing I do or say will change him. It's his life and his to live.

The hardest thing for me to have realized is that I cannot save him
this time. I have never been the type to save people. I've mostly gone out with people whom I'd admired because I thought they were succesful not that they needed rescuing. Now Ive come to realise that mine and Hs relationship was co-dependent. I felt good about "rescuing" him. But perhaps he resented it in some way and maybe this is why he's had to "rescue" OW, to feel good about himself. What a mess we got ourselves in!