I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling.

Call from L's office. Paralegal is preparing the QDRO -- the form to transfer $12,500 from STBXW's pension to me.

She needed a couple of things. I provided them to her. The QDRO may be in place by June 10 -- divorce day.

It again shows we are marching on. Twinge of pain.

Right now, financial and parenting stuff are weighing on me more than anything else. I hope I've saved up enough money to get through the summer in good shape. I think I'm basically going to skip golf this year.

I don't have a pass. I don't play enough to shoot good scores. A person I normally play with is driving me bonkers and it takes the fun out of playing. And I'd rather spend that time working out or walking or ... whatever I can to be around people.

I'll probably get a few rounds in. If it's a Saturday and I have nothing on my plate, I'll go play because it does suck up a day.

I really need to get those running races we normally get. The next one we usually get asked to do is June 11-12. I don't know if I should email the guy doing the scheduling this summer to ask if I should start rounding up guys? That $350 per race is crucial.

Things are just so tight. The side jobs are the only way I get by. I took a couple of hours off today to donate plasma for $20. That balances my two-week budget. I whittled time away by texting a friend in Georgia who sells real estate for a living so she's really having a tough time.

Parenting stuff. I just have to continue to keep things simple -- live without fear and anger. The only time I started to lose it this weekend was because I was angry with myself.

I am hoping to have a really good summer with D12. It's probably the last one where she really wants to be around me. The teen stuff is creeping in quickly though.

I caught myself watching young couples this weekend, especially young ones with babies.

I miss those days. Sure, it was tiring getting up every other hour. STBXW split baby duties with D12. She assumed more with D8 because D8 did breast feed.

Still, I wasn't one of those dads who didn't like to get his hands dirty. Changing diapers, giving baths, I was in for all of it. Funny, STBXW told me in October 2009 that she had misgivings about the marriage six months in. We didn't have D12 until year 3. I remember the months she was pregnant with D12. That may have been our best year. She can rewrite history in her head, but she's not that good of an actress. Those were good days.

I look forward to being a grandfather some day and getting to do it again.

I worry though. D12 keeps showing more signs of becoming like her mother. STBXW is joined at the hip with her mom. STBXW is really all her mom has and she never released her. It never was just STBXW and I.

That worries me big time. There is a lot bigger world out there than our little corner of it and I don't want D12 to miss out on that.