Rebuilding a friendship...Thread #4

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Navy, You asked me to look in so here I am...

I read your first thread and this one and a few posts in between. Hope I didn't miss anything big.

It sounds as if your C has a good point, you are suffering for the sins of other men in your w's past. Also, statistically most women report their lowest marital satisfaction about 2 years after the birth of their 2nd child...just sayin'

But essentially, isn't she saying "I will stay m to you for now, but I will never let go of the past or forgive, and I will hold the past 'sins' against you even if it isnt' you I'm angry at..."?? IS that it, in brief?

Just had a talk with W. I know I'm not supposed to be doing R talk, but that really doesn't seem to be working at this point.

I asked her how she is doing. She started by saying that she still feels like her life is on hold for others...and that there's been roadblocks to her getting back into school.

Her indecision and possible depression are the obstacles.You are not responsible. Don't pretend to be or she'll be enabled to wallow in her despair and indecisiveness.

I asked her if she thought I was causing any of the roadblocks. She said no. I asked if there was anything more I could be doing to help. She said no.

Then we talked about us. She reiterated that she's just back for the kids' sake. (I still don't truly understand how this could be possible).

If she thinks that's why, that's why...(for all intents and purposes) Perception is reality...for now.


Then told me that sometimes she feels like she's doing things that she doesn't want to because I ask her to and she doesn't want to hurt my feelings by saying no. I asked her why she feels that way...she said it was because of the past. I told her itsmnot going to hurt my feelings at all.

So she was pathologically conflict avoidant?? And still doesn't have to speak up for herself? If so, then you have to become a better mind reader...good luck with that.

Then I asked her what she thinks my goal is. She said I want to fix things. I told her that I want us to emotionally connect...where we can share our feelings with each other and not feel judged. I told her I don't think we've ever had that...not her fault or mine...but neither of us knew any better.

Then I jumped back to the previous topic. I told her while I do appreciate her not wanting to hurt my feelings when she wants to tell me no but she doesn't, that is not what I want, because it does not support my goal, it only causes more resentment in her. I told her that the few times she's actually asked me for something since she got back made me feel really good...it was easy to give her what she needed when she asked for it.

Not a bad talk I guess. Still [censored] to hear the "I'm only here for the kids" line 2 1/2 months after she came back though. Seems that she still has no interest in actively working on our marriage either.

Tomorrow's another day...

Do you feel as if your approach is working? If not, why not do something different? Have you read "No More Mr Nice Guy"? I haven't but a lot of guys have and they highly recommend it.

Also the Five Love Languages, which I found very helpful is a good one. Thing is, you can change the dynamics of the R to an extent without her, but you are going on almost a year of no ML and she seems depressed to me, does she get c for that?

Also why are you getting off the ADs? I ask b/c you began to and then the R talk and antsyness seemed to come up.

But then again, that's reasonable, given the circumstances.

I don't see anything for you to do except change your approach. You sound like an insightful kind man with a good brain...and a wife in some sort of crisis.

BUT please...listen carefully to my next comments...

As a former JAG officer with experience defending men accused of abuse, (sometimes falsely) her near allegation of sex abuse, is a huge red flag to me.

It ruins careers and lives...and she has issues...make sure you document the "incident" you discussed with the IC...and beware.

You have a lot more to worry about living together than she does. She is projecting her issues onto you, and transferring her victimhood onto the kids.

Oh, the actual phrase is "Do you want to be right or HAPPY", (not right or "married"...) and

that's an important distinction. Make sense?