Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Thanks for stopping by Red. I have a few comments, but I've left them on your thread.

Things continue to be completely topsy turvy here at home. As frustrating as it is, H continues to not be sure about what he’s doing. After our talk, he said he would try to make this work and I was good to start putting stuff away. I did so for a bit, but then kind of hit a roadblock where I needed him to make some room in his office. We have so much additional furniture (and not much additional room) that moving things around is kind of like that slider puzzle game where you’re trying to make a picture and you have to slide the square pieces all over the place to get everything in its rightful place. Unfortunately, H hasn’t really done much to help in any way.

Several times, he’s not spent the night at the house. I never ask where he goes and he always comes back in a decent mood, but it’s hard to deal with. Last week, I worked a lot. One day, I came home very late as planned. I texted H to let him know I was on my way. He texted me back that (despite it being past 8pm when I’d get home) that he hadn’t really figured anything out for dinner. I don’t expect him to make dinner, but at least a recommendation that I pick up something or that he’d pick up something would be nice. Anyhow, I chalked it up to MLC and just said OK. When I got home, I was exhausted and HAD to take a short nap. I had almost fallen asleep on the drive home. H took the opportunity and took a nap also. My nap was short (about 20 minutes) after which I got up and figured out what to fix for dinner. The kitchen was a disaster. The trash was full so stuff was left on the counter instead of the trash. Dishes were in the sink, stuff was strewn about the house, and not a single thing had been put away all day. And H and D were home all day. Something in me just snapped. I was pissed. EVERY damn thing that was in H’s house that HAS been put away has thus far been put away by ME. The only exception is the stuff on his desk such as his computer and such because that’s his work area. He had a HUGE pile of his clothes on the floor by the bed. D had a mess in her room. It was just ridiculous. I made a quick dinner for D and I as H continued to take an extended nap. Then I got to picking up the house and chided D for her part in the disaster. When H woke, I told him I didn’t want to speak with him because I was pissed. He asked about what. I started in about the house but kind of broke down in tears as I did so. H then made an excuse about needing to get his prescriptions filled and left the house and slammed the door. I knew he wouldn’t be back and I was right.

He remained no contact until about 3pm the next day when he texted me to let me know he was alive. I thanked him for letting me know. Later that evening, he came back and we went out to dinner. He apologized again for being flaky. He said he was pissed off with being so broken. I can do nothing but be supportive although its damn tough to deal with the consequences of his broken-ness.

One day he’ll talk about the future with him in the house. The next, he’ll be telling me he thinks he needs to leave. In fact, he told me just a few days ago with some definitiveness that he needed to go. I told him to do so ASAP. He asked why ASAP. I said, why wait? Right now, all his stuff is still all over the house. Like I said, I’ve put some stuff away, but quite frankly, I don’t feel comfortable putting the remainder away. I almost feel like I’m wasting my time and potentially making him feel more trapped. And to be clear, he doesn’t say he needs to leave because he doesn’t like being with D and I. He just gets major anxiety issues and then feels like he needs a place to escape to.

So this is where I’m at. La la land. Yesterday H made a great Memorial Day meal. This morning, he told me he updated his blog. In it, he went on at length about how he thinks he probably should go. He seems to be stuck with this idea that being on his own gives him freedom. Clearly, he doesn’t (and perhaps never has) felt at home AT HOME. I’m not sure why and I think it would do him well to discuss that with a counselor. Unfortunately, despite telling me for 2 weeks he’d make another counselor appt, he still hasn’t done so.

I can honestly say I think this may be harder than any other part of this whole process. Nothing can match the pain of the “bomb” or the heartbreak about learning about the OW. But at least I could fall back and lean on myself. At least I had some freedom from his MLC nonsense. Now, I have to deal with H’s MLC issues almost all the time and I still have no more confidence in my future than I did back then. I really don’t know what the right thing to do is. I go back in forth in my own mind. Some days I KNOW I need to tell him to just go. Other days I think perhaps he just needs time to re-integrate. Other days I think I deserve better. Other days I think he’s worth waiting for. Other days, I wonder if I’m wasting my time. This probably sounds familiar to most everyone on this board. Having them home with you doesn’t really change much of that. I’ve never been less sure of what to do than now.