It has been 2 months

[25yearsmlc]

Delinquent Girl,

I wrote about this somewhere else and it's how I learned to start to let go...
in small doses.

First, realize the truth about forgiveness. It's NOT about them. It's all about you. They don't have to even know about this, b/c it really is a favor you are doing for yourself and your kids.

When I was at my height of anger and h was away mostly, I would take long furious "marches" and try to physically wear myself out. I was "rightly" angry, and justifiably hurt. This was true.

The problem is, it was hurting ME. I was not fully present for my children or my job and my children needed me MORE then, not less.

I had to somehow discard or contain the pain and anger.

I began by turning it over to God. I'd say it out loud (in the shower) like 100 times. It helped.

I came to realize and believe that forgiving would help MY LIFE...his was irrelevant.

H had a 4 day conference in Palm Springs 3 months before his expected departure for AWAY....

H suggested we all go for a mini vacation. I feared that, or pretending all was well, for I thought he'd think his leaving was somehow being accepted by us. I didn't want to fake like I was fine. I didn't want to "encourage" his selfishness and cluelessness.

Thankfully either God or my DB coach or someone, showed me another way of seeing things.

Since this would be the last likely chance we'd have to make some memories, I decided the kids would NOT see us fight.

I knew it was only 4 days. I figured I could always be negative and angry later on (I'm ashamed to admit that that thought, comforted me).

So for 4 days, I chose to ignore any & all negatives about h. I would not think of them and if the thought of his leaving came into my head, I would toss it out, or see a STOP SIGN or whatever. For four days...I figured I might be able to do it.

Instead of seeing my h as a nerd when he spoke of his research, I saw his intelligence and chose to like how my d's were learning from him, instead of thinking "h is monopolizing"...

I would not let myself be a beyotch, for those 4 days, no matter how sad or angry I felt about his pending departure....for four days....

I chose to focus ONLY on his good qualities. IF a negative came up, I would neutralize it or see it differently or look past it...for four days....

I would shelve all the negative emotions I felt for h, even "justified" ones, for 4 days...just four days.

After 2 days, I had begun to actually feel differently about h. Seriously.

No fights. Affection in small doses...

We went on horses, did hikes and we all had a ball.

H was visibly relaxed and happy. I did NOT let myself worry about his thinking "oh, I can leave and all is well" and instead thought

"i'm giving him something to miss" and "I'm giving my kids good memories"...

It was a great trip.

In a moment of clarity I realized that "this might be a glimpse of what forgiveness looks like"...

H noticed it, the d's noticed it, and things changed.

and that WAS a glimpse of what it looked like.

You lose the scorecard, and the grievance list and you

go "from this day forward."

I hope this helps.


If you cannot forgive and you know this, you may as well quit now. You cannot hold the sword of Damacles over his head the rest of his life.

He has to believe you can forgive without making him climb Mt Everest.

I am not judging you if you cannot forgive. Everyone has their line in the sand.

But figure it out.