It's been 4+ months since my marriage crisis started.
For about a month or two I did the begging/pleading thing and eventually figured out what I was doing wrong. I needed to work hard on my own life. I've been reading books, Divorce Busting, David Deida, Dr. Paul Dobransky, Gottman, Jungian Psychology, The Art of Seduction, No More Mr. Nice Guy and a never ending list. I've been practicing yoga 3 times a week, practicing meditation, attending therapy and have shifted most of my energy into figuring how to bring the various aspects of my life into healthy balance. These developments have been great and I feel like I'm making better decisions compared to before the experience. I really like the idea that we need to work on ourselves first to be attractive to others. I've really gotten a handle on reactivity, I've done a James Dobson inspired 180 that really changed our dynamic, the way my wife reacts to me has changed.
My wife lives in a separate house on our property, it's like an "in-law house". At first we could hardly be in the same room together. Now we go out to dinner sometimes, sit on the couch and eat and watch TV, we talk a lot. She tells me she loves me as family, like a brother, but that she doesn't think she will ever be physically attracted to me again. I've heard all the terrible things you don't want to hear from your spouse, "I never loved you", "I love you but I'm not in love with you", "How could we have loved each other if we don't know what love is?"... you name it I've heard it. Reading other peoples stories it never ceases to amaze me how these same phrases pop up.
Lately she has been giving me kisses on the cheek, like those kisses you give your family, sort of on the mouth by definitely not a full on lips kiss, haha. I see this as progress, though I guess I still have some anxiety about our future. Even though I'm open to the best outcome for both of us, whatever that is. I have strong preference that we remain married. I try to balance not being controlling and insisting we don't get a divorce with letting her know I treasure our relationship and would very much like to continue our marriage.
I feel hopeful every time I read a success story that mirrors the phases I've been going through during this crisis. I'd really like to be able to write back to this forum someday in the next few months with my own success story.
Is there anybody out there my story is sort of resonating with? I'd be interested in hearing feedback just on what I wrote so far on my general attitude, any glaring mistakes I've been making. I know I didn't write a ton of details, please let me know if you have any questions.
I really like reading this forum as it gives me hope and puts me in a good mood. Thank you all for participating. Any encouragement is welcomed :o) I'll write back to this thread more with details. For now I've got to get back to work.
