WAW in Los Angeles

[wawinla]

GB:

Very eye-opening indeed!

Will follow up when I finish the book today or tomorrow.

Thanks for the suggestion!


__________________________
M: 47; W: 39
M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years
No children
Separated: 01/19/11
Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11
Wife moved: 03/05/11
Responded: 04/14/11

[wawinla]

MK:

Thanks for posting a reply...it's really helpful to me hearing from others in similar circumstances.

Still wrestling with the "giver" and "taker" issue, but can't do much about it since my WAW has totally disengaged. Was it the same for you? No communication at all?

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this too. Hang in there!

[wawinla]

TTT:

Yep...there must be a memo that we all missed!

When I come across/hear the "Eat, Pray, Love" mindset, I cringe. "Honoring yourself", "living an authentic life"....difficult to swallow.

Concur a 100%....all we can do is be strong, GAL, 180's and let time take it's course. Some better days than others, but will get through this.

Thanks for replying!

[dbmod]

^

[wawinla]

It's been a while since I've updated...but needing some encouragement.

WAW in full "Eat, Pray, Love" mode, as she is in the midst of traveling all over to experience various cuisines. For instance, she flew to New Orleans on the spur of the moment last weekend and this weekend is leaving town again for another foodie pilgrimage.

I'm doing my best to GAL, but struggling with the fiscal realities impending as part of the D. I'm still looking for my next opportunity and stressed about the financial impact of the D (e.g., bankruptcy or foreclosure of the home). It's hard not to reach out to my WAW to talk to her about all of this. Disappointingly I'm not sure she even cares, as she NEVER reaches out to me since moving out about 10 weeks ago. Our only passive contact was through Twitter and she closed her Twitter account awhile back.

Being in the house is tough. Do I start removing photos and other mementos of nearly 20 years together? Start packing/throwing(?) things out, since I can't see how we can keep the house.

Just so frustrated, sad, and angry. This week reminds me of how I felt when I first learned the news 4 months ago. I know there are ebbs and flows in the process...it [censored] now.

_______________________
M: 47; W: 39
M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years
No children
Separated: 01/19/11
Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11
Wife moved: 03/05/11
Responded: 04/14/11

[~ kd ~]

wil...

First comment: "Nice guys" do NOT have to finish last. Here's the thing... Nice guys aren't guys who give in... they are guys who are... well... nice... Do you know the difference?

As far as the "Eat, Pray, Love" thing... don't get me started... stupid ending... I get the movie and agree with the "finding of oneself", but not at the expense of an M. And, while I like the guy she ends up with, the movie is far too hollywood. Happily ever after? I doubt it. They didn't carry the ending on long enough for people to understand that even THAT relationship would be rocky and would need to be constantly worked on to keep functional.

Now to the tough question... How to show your W the positive changes you have made in your life...

I think a few things that were suggested on your topic are good. The thing is you can't "tell her"... you have to "show her". And how can you show her when there is no contact?

I can't promise you that she's actively watching you, but as many on the board will tell you, even if you think she isn't, she IS paying attention and seeing the changes. If she doesn't see them directly, she is hearing about them from mutual friends or otherwise. Just how you interact with her regarding the legal aspects will be something she will see. No matter how cold and distant she may appear.

How do we know this? Because, no matter where you are in the detach, you notice changes in her... or you notice lack of changes or even negative changes...

And while she has filed in feb and you responded mid april, it ain't final and it ain't over... until it's over... and until you say so, even if the D gets finalized.

[wawinla]

KD...thanks for response.

Re: "Nice guys". I'm working on the balance of "giving in" and "being nice".

Re: "Eat, Pray, Love"...concur 100%. There is certainly a "grass is greener" element in it and those in a MLC.

"Just how you interact with her regarding the legal aspects will be something she will see. No matter how cold and distant she may appear." What do you mean by this? Is this the balancing act of "giving in" vs. "being nice"? Financially/practically, my WAW is in a much better position than me. I'm looking for a new opportunity and she is set in her job/career for as long as she wants it. In her original filing, financially it was totally one sided toward her. When I stated an objection, she went ballistic. Thoughts?

wil...

First comment: "Nice guys" do NOT have to finish last. Here's the thing... Nice guys aren't guys who give in... they are guys who are... well... nice... Do you know the difference?

As far as the "Eat, Pray, Love" thing... don't get me started... stupid ending... I get the movie and agree with the "finding of oneself", but not at the expense of an M. And, while I like the guy she ends up with, the movie is far too hollywood. Happily ever after? I doubt it. They didn't carry the ending on long enough for people to understand that even THAT relationship would be rocky and would need to be constantly worked on to keep functional.

Now to the tough question... How to show your W the positive changes you have made in your life...

I think a few things that were suggested on your topic are good. The thing is you can't "tell her"... you have to "show her". And how can you show her when there is no contact?

I can't promise you that she's actively watching you, but as many on the board will tell you, even if you think she isn't, she IS paying attention and seeing the changes. If she doesn't see them directly, she is hearing about them from mutual friends or otherwise. Just how you interact with her regarding the legal aspects will be something she will see. No matter how cold and distant she may appear.

How do we know this? Because, no matter where you are in the detach, you notice changes in her... or you notice lack of changes or even negative changes...

And while she has filed in feb and you responded mid april, it ain't final and it ain't over... until it's over... and until you say so, even if the D gets finalized.

[wawinla]

It's been awhile since I posted.

I've been continuing my GAL activities -- meeting friends, spending time with family. I still have highs and lows, so spending time here helps.

My wife has had no contact with me in over 8 weeks. As mentioned, she wants no contact. Since I responded to her filing, I have not heard anything. We need to discuss the unwinding, but no contact from her.

To Sandi's point a while back. if I reach out is that pursuing?

Thoughts?

I'm seeing an IC. During the sessions, they suggest communicating with my WAW when I feel it...to not accept my W terms of interaction. Counter to the 180, they don't view this as pursuing.

There are a lot of counselors out there and you will get confused if they do not paralleled with DB techniques. If your W does not want to interact with you, do you think it would be pursuing to do so anyway?

[wawinla]

It's been awhile since I posted.

I've been continuing my GAL activities -- meeting friends, spending time with family. I still have highs and lows, so spending time here helps.

My wife has had no contact with me in over 8 weeks. As mentioned, she wants no contact. Since I responded to her filing, I have not heard anything. We need to discuss the unwinding, but no contact from her.

To Sandi's point a while back. if I reach out is that pursuing?

Thoughts?

I'm seeing an IC. During the sessions, they suggest communicating with my WAW when I feel it...to not accept my W terms of interaction. Counter to the 180, they don't view this as pursuing.

There are a lot of counselors out there and you will get confused if they do not paralleled with DB techniques. If your W does not want to interact with you, do you think it would be pursuing to do so anyway?

[wawinla]

Update:

My WAW reached out to me yesterday for the first time in weeks. She wants to pick up a few things at the house and discuss finances relating to the D. I contested her original financial terms in the filing. She was upset by that and we haven't spoken since as I've gone dark and she has made no contact.

In the interim, I've been GAL and working through the ups and downs of the process. There are moments/days where the emotions and the weight of the situation overwhelm me -- where the sadness is crushing. In time, I summon the energy/strength to get going again.

As the Friday meeting approaches, I find myself struggling with coming across in an unflattering light. She hasn't missed me, though I miss her daily. She's so excited about having her own/new identity, it's difficult to maintain an even keel.

I'm struggling how to communicate my feelings regarding the finances (not good DB) and not rolling over and capitulating to her requests.

This [censored]!