That's really interesting. What/why do you think you're trying to win?
I guess it has to do with the type of person I am. Very competitive. TBH, I don’t know what is driving me sometimes. I made the comment after thinking about what would happen if W decided today to come home. It is actually a terrifying thought. Not sure where we would even start to put the pieces back together. That is what made me start thinking, what do I really want so badly?
This weekend I can only say was ‘OK.’
Weather was not what it should be for Memorial Day weekend so it had a weird feel to it.
W did not contact me while she was at the coast, and then called when she was on her way home. She said there was no cell service there, which I can understand knowing where they were.
I met her to pick up D. She seemed to be in a bit of frantic mood. Talking a million miles a second. She said her mom had times where she was able to laugh and smile, so that was nice. I asker how she was doing and got the same response I’ve gotten before. “OK, it comes in waves.” When I asked, I brushed her hair out of her eyes. I did it without thinking and then afterwards felt a little weird about it, but oh well…
I did/said some things this weekend that made me feel uncomfortable, and made me realize it is time for me to step back.
The night I had D, I sent her a video of D and the dog. She said how great it was and to give them both a kiss for her. I said will do and then “the 3 of us will be thinking of you tonight.”
She said thanks, and that she was actually doing pretty well that night.
Then on Monday when we were scheduled to meet to drop D back off, I sent her a message that we were heading out early and going to the park, asking if she could meet us there. I left it vague not asking for her to spend time with us at the park, just as an alternate meeting place, but I was actually hoping she might offer to meet us early and join us for a walk. She did not, said, “OK, I’ll meet you there at X:XX” I just said “Cool, see you there.”
D, dog and I took a walk in the park and then settled in an open field where D and the dog could run around. I brought the camera and took some great shots of them.
We then headed back to the truck to meet W. W showed up and it was a fairly uneventful meeting. She did comment again on how much she liked the video I sent and how she showed it to all of her coworkers. I told her about the pictures I had just taken of D in the park and said I would send her some. She said she also had some good pics of D at the coast and would send me some as well.
She said hi to the dog and I made a comment about her coming by to play with her some day. She said yeah, but not enthusiastically and again I felt like I had crossed the line.
Later that night she texted me asking a question about D. I responded to it, and then sent her a couple pics I had taken of D. She liked them of course, but IDK, felt like I was pushing.
IDK, like I said, I just started feeling uncomfortable. I need to start backing off for ME. I have been focusing WAY too much on her, and not enough on me. This had me in a sour mood last night, with thoughts of saying things to her that I thankfully did not. Wanting to tell her how much I miss her. I was way too close to doing so at times.
A mental backslide for certain, but I know what I need to do. Back to ME. Give myself a break from this drama.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
