I have been lurking here for almost 5 months since my world came crumbling down. I am a 38 year old medical professional (American) married to an Australian that I met 9 years ago who came over from Australia on a tennis scholarship. He finished a degree in material engineering and graduated in October 2002. We met on-line, had an instant connection, and married almost 18 months later. Our immediate goals were to live the "atypical life", to travel, invest in retirement property similar to his mother who travels about 6 months a year to exotic places, and to semi-retire in our 30's....
Fast forward to today...
During the course of our marriage, I have supported him financially. He never wanted to work a classic 9-5 job so he worked for a year or so at a dead end job in engineering-realized he hated it-and asked to quit so that he could play professional tennis for a year or two to make a go of it. I wholeheartedly supported him in this endeavor, taking call every other weekend. He is super athletic and disciplined, I love to do occasional sports and exercise, bur my weight and fitness level has been an issue for him since we married. However-I supported him and he went on the road for 2 years before taking a job as a Division 3 head coach in tennis.
Our main issues have been financial. I have had spending problems where it has come to our disposable income. I was generous buying things for my husband, my family, and myself. We (with my husband's support) traveled to Australia, Austria, France, and Italy. We went to Costa Rica when I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter, Casey.
We waited 6 years to have our first child. We bought a house 6 months later. I took a high powered job as a Medical Sciene Liaison for a pharmaceutical company. Together we made a huge salary and we have had multiple problems with discussing financial issues. He would question, I would get defensive, he would back down-and then....all would be well for a time.
I gave birth to my son last July. Starting in the fall, I noticed a change in my husband. He is 4 years younger than I am but is the most open and honest person alive. He started to play piano again and singing with a girl who was at the college he was coaching at. He insisted that nothing was going on. He joined Crossfit and began eating a paleolithic diet and became angry about my slowness to lose weight. In November, he began asking questions like "when was the last time we really talked" or "wouldn't you feel better sharing your life with someone who shared your religious beliefs..." etc. I became more and more scared that something was going on. He even began thinking about some of his first loves and "what may have happened". He became convinced that he had been molested as a child (was having some flashbacks I believe" so I just thought that he had a lot on his plate. I told him again that Iloved and supported him.
The Friday after Thanksgiving we had another series of talks. He had calculated that we should have so much much money available for our "retirmeent' property. I finally admitted to him that I have misspent money, used credit cards, etc. He disappeared for 7 hours (leaving me with the 4 month old baby),came back and informed me that "ILYBIANLW". I begged, pleaded, and cried. He blamed the money and then ripped me apart, telling me everything had been for me in this marriage and he had nothing. That he could have "taken or left it" as far as children.
I found a copy of Divorce Busting but he was too far gone. He only makes $19,000 a year but told me he felt trapped and "wanted to work on the marriage by moving out". He promised that it was the best help for our marriage and that he could move back in a couple of months if things improved.
He left me on 12/29/2010, when my son was 5 months old (and a daughter he adored 2.5 years old). He moved into an apartment down the road and has used $13000 (10,000 for start up costs and expenses not paid for by his college paycheck) as well as a 2000 advance from our income tax. As you can probably figure out-no marriage counseling (he is doing some personal counseling now), and it has been 6 months already.
I am almost ready to throw in the towel. I have done several no, nos-(asking about R, discussing the past, telling him I have changed) and he admits that I have made HUGE changes that he can see (I have lost 55 lbs since my son was born, great PMA, joined a soccer team, am flying to Zurich in two weeks) but said he can't forgive me for costing him 8 years of his life and where we could have been had I only been truthful about the money. I cut off the financial support (minus the car payment) back in February but he is now pressuring me to help him with " alittle support" by taking the kids during the day so I can work and not pay a babysitter.
I am tired. I have done every diaper change, 4 am bottle feedings, lost weight, exercised, and been the primary breadwinner. My job requires travel so I have had to become superwoman taking care of everything (baths, doctor visits, etc) and my husband looks like he has gotten off scott free. During my last conversation about our R (had to do it, he is reneweing the lease on the apartment and expects me to support him), he told me he wishes to be my friend and "biggest cheerleader" but can't be my husband right now and that he hopes that I don't go and get an attorney to make this ugly for the kids...
I need some serious help. Should I throw in the towel? I love this man but still can't believe he left me with babies to take care of. BTW-finacial issues no longer a problem, took Dave Ramsey class through church and doing well. Even though I am doing better, he is scared that the changes are not permanent and does not want to give me any more months/years of his life. He wants "personal happiness" and wants to find his voice, complaining that he could never tell me how he felt because of my low self esteem...
Help-is this a WAH or MLC? He wants help with his finances to live apart from us but has not helped with the kids financially...time to call an attorney or to hang in there?
Would love some help from anyone...
Shannon M: 8.5 years T: 10 years in July Children: 3 years old/10 months Fall 2010: weird behavior November 26, 2010: ILYBNILWY December 29, 2010: moved out Currently separted
