as Yoda would say....the force is strong in you...

[ericmsant2]

All, I’ve been asked to start a new thread…. I have copied my last response on this thread to make it easier for folks.

Oh….and here are the links to all of my old threads….for those who are interested in seeing anger, whining, pain, love, pretty much all of the sh!t that we the LBS’s go through ya may want to give some of the early ones a read.

1st thread

2nd

3rd

4th

5th

6th

7th

Here is my last post on my last thread…

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I wanted to clarify a few points…

DB him

That is exactly what I am doing. Doesn’t make it less painful and frustrating – that said, I am detached enough to recognize that my sons issues/anger are his to deal with. I will be there for him when and if he is ready.

But, I would add that you should not be talking to his friends about him at all. Not appropriate in my book. And if he ever finds out, it aint gonna be pretty.

I do not ask his friends about my son. They actually come to me to vent about a lot of things, some of which are about my son. I listen and most often do not have any comment other than, “son” is dealing with a lot.

No disrespecting you

This is exactly my boundary. Son is not one to outright disrespect me. It is more the tone and body language he displays when speaking to me.

It may take a long while

Yep….he may or may not ever figure out a way to deal with his anger. Either way, I just keep loving him when the opportunity presents itself.

Are you approaching his friends or are they coming to you?

They approach me Jack. Trust me I know better than to ask/pry.

I am not turning them away. I am not feeding them information to gain them as my friends either.

I’m not Jack. I just listen. I do not feed them any info. My only comments are along the lines of…leave him alone, he has a lot that he is dealing with, etc. No details about STBXW, the history behind what happened with the M, etc.

Doesn't mean I don't love you, but if you give me attitude I'll break it."

That is the approach that I am trying to take with him. Firm to the point and strict boundaries. We barely speak these days as he does not come over. When we do speak I usually just ask him how he is doing and I remind him that I love him. It really is all that I can do.

You have often said DBing is really a way of life

It is Antonia…and trust me…It is how I deal with everyone in my life.

You say his personality closely resembles his Mothers ?

I say this for several reasons….

RIGHT NOW
Both are spoiled teenagers wanting what the want with no sense of responsibility or who they hurt in the process. Her cause by her own MLC, his I believe is typical teenage behavior. They both IMO have self confidence issues. My feeling is as they are now facing life…they are scared. Normal behavior imo. They both are the oldest children and feel the need to protect the younger ones.

How much do you address him, the way you address her ?

I actually deal with both of them much the same. I am pleasant but short and to the point. With my son I do try and communicate my love in the form of an “I love you”, which he never responds to but I want him to know that I am here for him. Funny….in one way I have taken on detachment to a new level.

Your son WILL look toward you again one day, perhaps he is already looking toward you

I am sure that he is….what I will not allow is behavior towards me that is disrespectful. I also feel that I need to show him that HIS choices will drive his life. Although he is angry and has a lot to deal with it does not give him a free pass to deal and treat people anyway he wants. Let me give you an example:

This past week my youngest son broke up with his girlfriend (she cheated or so I am told). My youngest asked me how to deal with it and I gave him my thoughts on the matter. Be respectful, do not attack her, focus on your happiness, understand that you did not cause her to cheat, etc. Youngest did pretty much what I was told….here is where it get interesting….I am at work last week and I get a call from the mother of the x of my youngest (15)…she starts screaming at me that my oldest (17) has started attacking her on facebook. She actually read what he posted and honestly I was embarrassed. I explained to the mother that I would speak with my son about this. When I did…..here is a short version of the convo….

Me – Son why did you attack the mother of youngest son X girlfriend?

Son – cause she is a slut.

Me – Why do you say that?

Son – cause she cheated on my brother just like my girlfriend did to me.

Me – so you feel that this gives you the right to critize her mother?

Son – yes – I was angry. I am allowed to vent right?

Me – Yes you can vent; however doing so in a public forum is really not appropriate.

Son – well I was angry.

Me – I understand you were angry – that said, being angry does not give you the right to do whatever it is you feel like doing.

Son – well she is a slut and must have learned that cheating is okay from her MOTHER (interesting enough STBXW was standing right next to me and put her head down)

Me – Why do you say that son?

Son – cause she must have learned it from her mother.

Me – really?

Son – Yes. It must have been how she was raised.

Me – really…so let me ask you a question…..did your mother and I
raise you to respond to her the way you did?

Son – silent

Me – Cause if everything WE CHOOSE to do is the result of how we were raised, then YOUR actions are saying that YOUR MOTHER, who stood home to raise you, and I did a piss poor job.
Bottom line son is that X gf is responsible for HER actions - we all are. We can give ourselves excuses if we want but at the end of the day each of us chooses how we live, react, respond and deal with everything in our life. SO EVEN if her mom did cheat, her D STILL made a choice to do it.

Son – okay so I was wrong

Me – Yes you were out of line. It is okay to be angry.

Son – well I needed to vent

Me – don’t you have a therapist to do that with?

Son – yes but I still needed to vent

Me – Understood, then maybe you should give some thought to other ways to vent.

Son – well I am sorry.

Me – BTW, her mother could have made a complaint against your mother and I.

Son – why…I did it…you guys didn’t

Me – cause right now you are still in minor in the eyes of society.

Son – that makes not sense.

Me – it is what it is. In any event she is not going to make a complaint against you. I am going to call her back.

Son – Well I am sorry.

Me – Do you feel that you owe her mother an apology?

Son – maybe but her D is still a cheating slut. Ya know I allowed her in the family. We took and accepted her in and she cheats on my brother.

Me – YOUR brother made the CHOICE to date her. It was HIS CHOICE. SO it was his issues to deal with and I believe he did.

Son – well he is my brother

Me – Yes he is and he loves you very much and I know that you love him very much. That said, it is not YOUR job to always protect him. He is a big boy and can take care of himself. Did he ask you your opinion? Did he ask for your help?

Son – no but he is my brother.

Me – I understand that. When your girlfriend cheated on you did he go on to facebook and blast her and her mother.

Son – No.

Me – can you see where you may have gone wrong.

Son – Maybe

Me – Son, I have said this to you before, everyone is responsible for their actions. They are responsible for there choices. Maybe your brother just needed you to listen. Maybe he did nto need you to try and rescue him. Son, sometime we need to let people learn and grow on their own. We need to let them live their lives and be their for them when and IF they want us to be. It was a lesson that your brother needed to learn. That said, I do understand how much you love your brother.

Son – I have to go to work.

Me – I will contact son X’s mom and apologize on your behalf.

Mach, it was an interesting exchange. The funny thing is that STBXW was standing there and did not say much at all. I dealt with my son as a father. I tried to validate and correct him where I could. So hopefully the above exchange answer your question of what am I showing him. If not, here is my answer to that question.

I am showing him how to…..

be respectful to women

that he is NOT entitled to do or say whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

What a man and father is

Showing him compassion and understanding


At the end of the day I am his father and as someone so eloquently reminded me…I am the template of what a father is. What I am trying to show him is RESPECT….respect for others, respect for his parents, respect for himself.

Once again, thank you all for your responses.


Final update....I had one kick butt weekend!

God Bless,
Eric