Harrier

[25yearsmlc]

Okay, I need to address something straight up.
When I use words like "beatdown," "slap" etc. It isn't mean as a challenge to what you are telling me. It doesn't mean that I disregard that advice or can't take it. It's meant mostly as a joke.

I wanted you to note the way it sounds. As if a young person is being scolded.
And it MIGHT be a pattern of sorts, for you.

Remember when I asked you what "trying" meant to you? You didn't say.

Trying - [b]to make an effort.[/b] To realize what is at stake and make an effort to change my behavior.

I know the dictionary's definition. But from where I sit, I see a man of some education backsliding so often, I have to wonder what he really means, as a practical matter. And the timeline of expectations seems to be about a weekend's worth of "change" from you, leads you to expect some sort of breakthrough from her. If not consciously, at least emotionally, b/c you notice most everything she does, and mostly, negatively.

As for the R talk on Friday. It simply couldn't be avoided and I will leave it at that.

I think it's the pestering and constant R talk, isn't that why she has to get space from you?

If by pestering you mean the snooping, I said as much. The r talk may also be, but she has never said it.


II think it's both, and the way you look when you are disappointed; something tells me we won't nominate you for an Oscar. I think you are transparent. That will appear to be manipulation even if you say nothing...the stares or the tears say it all. You know she's not into seeing that. And guilt, OFTEN converts into anger at the source of the guilt, which is why I tell people do not try to guilt your WAS (I learned this the hard way) b/c they will NOT come back for that. If they do, they'll resent it and leave again. I have seen ZERO marriages work out b/c an LBSer guilted them into returning. It does not work.

I have a different take on the whole happiness thing. I mean if your H died, you'd be as happy as you are now? Even that woman you told me about, she is 100% happy all the time? What I meant is that external stimuli are in our lives (you can't deny that).

Your way of speaking in absolutes is irksome b/c it almost begs for a round of argument. My point is simple. Stop all the resistance for a minute. An esoteric discussion shouldn't be necessary and it's not. Here's the deal.

By your own admission, You reveak an unhappy demeanor to your wife, and it's not attractive. Your neediness is a turn off. You are not fun to be around for her. You've been depressed and miserable and irritable with a temper for a long time.

If you want to keep explaining that away with theories about chemicals and brain work, which somehow means you can't do anyting about it b/c after all, "external stimuli" and blah blah blah prevents you from changing....(Yawn...I'm getting bored...)

You decide Harrier. If those abstract talks help you stay stuck then I guess you'll choose them over change that begins and ends, with you. If you need chemical help, you know how to get it. No one here is judging that.



We have to figure out how we react to that stimuli and it CAN'T always be happy. I wouldn't want it to be that way frankly. We'd never have great songs written, great poetry, etc. This doesn't make me a miserable person. I mean if I never experienced the sadness, then happiness would be meaningless.

I also think there is a neurological chemical component...in fact there has to be. I can't "change" my brain chemistry just by my reactions to things.

Then get on the anti-depressants. Stop defending behavior that hurts your R's b/c it hinders your changes. Period. Get the meds!


I mean if that's the case, then no one would need Anti-Ds, they could just work really hard to change their perceptions.

I'm not using that as a crutch to not try, but to in fact see how I can succeed.


and what have you learned? I just see repeats of these discussions...round & round we go.


Changes - I have made other changes that have certainly stuck. I mentioned them in other posts. But two changes - the snooping and the reacting to her - still need a lot of work.

Well aren't those the changes that are most important? What are the other changes that you wanted to do? Some 180s? Well let's do them.

As for the forgiveness thing - i said I don't know if it applies here because I didn't know if that's what you meant by it or you had something else in mind. It felt like what you meant.

The "forgiveness thing" I wrote about, was for you to see the 2 things I saw that 4 day vacation. I learned how to let go of all the negatives I had for my h then, for those four days. For that short time, I focussed only on the positives. And after just 2 or 3 days, I felt so differently for him, and acted differently and so did he. We got a glimpse of forgiveness and a future.

You need to lose your scorecard, your list of grievances and the way you look at things so that you are generally some type of victim in the R.

(That also means no more "external stimuli prevents my happiness and I am not responsible for how I feel or act" discussions....)

You also need to look at her without ANY negatives (even if just for a weekend) with zero expectations and only reacting to positives, so that she can see what you're like when you have no baggage.

Then we pray that someday, she does the same. But you have to start.


BTW do you naturally gravitate to other lawyers?

God no.

On a side note, I did get 2 root canals on Saturday and applied for a new job at a hospital on Sunday.

ouch, and good luck