Where is the line?

[thatgirl007]

I haven't posted for awhile. I had a short thread a few months back called "Separated for 11 weeks". I thought I would post here for some insight, for advice, for an outlet.

It's been 8 months since H left. Some of the back story is, if anyone remembers, he left because of my weight. He wanted me to lose weight in order to continue the marriage, there was a vicious cycle of him becoming distant, blaming it on my weight/me going on a diet, losing a few pounds and then stalling, rinse and repeat.

At any rate, the true change started in our M about four years ago when he started making out with a girl at the college where he worked. I found out about it when he left something incriminating on the computer and he cried and promised to stop. It seemed as if he did, but later on I found out that he didn't. They were still in communication in 2010, but she had moved across the state.

Then, there was the 19 yo in 2008 that he had an 8-month affair with. Again, the computer led me to finding out about this. I demanded that he end it or leave and this time he did end it and we started working on the M, or at least I did.

Fast forward to 2010 and there was another girl, 20 yo this time, who he swore he wasn't having a relationship/sex or anything with, but lo and behold, he can't deny that he has some feelings for her. And this time, he leaves, telling me that I need to lose weight and he's entitled to want what he wants.

I was, understandably, devastated. At first, I got back on the lose weight train, but I quickly woke up to the realization that if I lose any weight, it has to be for me and about me and my health and not him. I began to really realize my own self-worth and embrace who I am from the inside out. I am a lovely, loving person who deserves fidelity - and I've been living with that knowledge for the past 7 or 8 months.

I did not want to throw in the towel on my M because we've been together for 13 years, I love my H and I think we could have a wonderful life together, so I kept the lines of communication open and have used the DB techniques here. I have GAL - a very good one - and taken care of myself, put myself first and still been a friend to my H. I gave him space, let him initiate contact, etc. - and he has. He's taken me out on dates, he texts and calls constantly. It's just like before (maybe even more communication now) except he can go back to his place and doesn't have to be accountable to me. He's embraced the bachelor life and goes out drinking with his buddies, etc. and I just accepted that this is his journey.

He attributed all of his unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life to me and the M, but he's just as unhappy and dissatisfied today as he was when we lived together.

One month ago an opportunity at the place where I worked came up for him to open up his own business, using all of the skills in the position he's held at the university for the past 11 years. I mentioned the business to him in conversation, but he picked up the ball and ran with it and now he owns his own business at my place of employment and has quit his old job. He's thriving and seems a bit happier now that he works for himself. I helped him startup, do the accounting and am a sounding board for ideas, etc. Now, we see each other every day at work. I wasn't sure if this was a good step or not. There were pros and cons, but the pros seemed to outweigh the cons.

Then, I got another bomb over the weekend.

H came by to hang out and he popped on my computer to use it. We spent the day together, went to a movie, and when I came home and got on the computer, I saw that he'd left an email open and it was to some girl, an in depth message about how he wasn't angry at her and he didn't feel pressured by her, but that things just got so intense between them. I didn't read the whole thing, I just closed it out.

In our talks over the past 8 months, its been clear to me that he is not ready to move back in - and I'm not ready for him to do that, either, but he said that there were no other women. Through all of this, I have tried to be understanding, forgiving and conscientious. Now, I am starting to feel really apathetic.

I decided not to talk to H about what I had seen. That's a 180 for me, because I normally go right to him with my concerns and he brushes them aside or talks his way out of them, but I really didn't even want to hear what he had to say. Normally after this kind of revelation, I am up all night, angsting or crying. I slept like a baby.

I even saw him the next day and hung out with him. I think he sensed something because I was different with him. Normally, he plays my emotions like a violin. He's grumpy, I soothe. He's playful, I am happy. But I just wasn't into it. He was grumpy, I went about my business and did my own thing. He was playful, I was busy and couldn't stop what I was doing to indulge him. In the end, he stormed out of the apartment like a two year old in anger without saying goodbye. Normally, I call him repeatedly and try to engage him, apologize, whatever. I sent him one text, "I hope everything is ok" and then went to bed and slept like a baby.

I am very close to not caring anymore and that almost scares me.

Any advice or words of insight? There may not be but at least I got this out.