Rebuilding a friendship...Thread #4

[LearningPatience]

Yes, I should know better by now

[Redo]

Happy birthday navy!

[2stepboogie]

Happy Birthday Navy!!!!

[FooFighter999]

Happy Birthday Navy. Jeez, only 32, how I wish...............

FF999

[Navyguy]

Just had a talk with W. I know I'm not supposed to be doing R talk, but that really doesn't seem to be working at this point.

I asked her how she is doing. She started by saying that she still feels like her life is on hold for others...and that there's been roadblocks to her getting back into school. I asked her if she thought I was causing any of the roadblocks. She said no. I asked if there was anything more I could be doing to help. She said no.

Then we talked about us. She reiterated that she's just back for the kids' sake. (I still don't truly understand how this could be possible). Then told me that sometimes she feels like she's doing things that she doesn't want to because I ask her to and she doesn't want to hurt my feelings by saying no. I asked her why she feels that way...she said it was because of the past. I told her itsmnot going to hurt my feelings at all.

Then I asked her what she thinks my goal is. She said I want to fix things. I told her that I want us to emotionally connect...where we can share our feelings with each other and not feel judged. I told her I don't think we've ever had that...not her fault or mine...but neither of us knew any better.

Then I jumped back to the previous topic. I told her while I do appreciate her not wanting to hurt my feelings when she wants to tell me no but she doesn't, that is not what I want, because it does not support my goal, it only causes more resentment in her. I told her that the few times she's actually asked me for something since she got back made me feel really good...it was easy to give her what she needed when she asked for it.

Not a bad talk I guess. Still [censored] to hear the "I'm only here for the kids" line 2 1/2 months after she came back though. Seems that she still has no interest in actively working on our marriage either.

Tomorrow's another day...

[Redo]

Navy: I think you are doing a good job on keeping the spirits up and not rocking the boat, so to speak.

I asked her how she is doing. She started by saying that she still feels like her life is on hold for others...and that there's been roadblocks to her getting back into school. I asked her if she thought I was causing any of the roadblocks. She said no. I asked if there was anything more I could be doing to help. She said no.

I dont want to jinx or spook you, but this is how exactly how our conversations were going before wife decided to bail out.

My wife always felt that she was not living the life for her, that she was living it for others. Just a month before she filed, i asked her what i could do to make our marriage better and she said 'nothing'.

The good thing is that unlike me, you are aware of these things and you have the help of this forum. For me, i was going at it blindly.

Keep the good work going man!

[Navyguy]

Karma...thanks for the advice...i am doing my best. It is incredibly hard though.

Had a pretty big backslide today. This morning I asked W to go to the park with kids and I. She told me her back hurts. Things have been wearing on me lately and I reacted to her...didn't say anything, but I walked around the house in a bit of a fuss. She picked up on it right away and got pissed herself. I tried talking to her about it but she just got more mad. Then she ended up leaving the house, and I left shortly after to take the kids to the park. When I got home she had moved all of her stuff out of our room and into the basement.

This led into a long R talk, where she reminded me that she is done and is only here for the kids. We ended up talking about what the arrangement is going to be with her downstairs. It's basically going to be I don't ask her to do anything....she said she feels pressured into doing things when I ask and worries I will get upset if she tells me no (like I did today).

I also had IC this afternoon. She thinks W's actions today were childish. I again tried to defend W and explain her perspective. IC didn't buy into it....so again I left more upset. I don't think that IC gets the idea of wanting to be married more than wanting to be right.

Very Painful day. Thinking maybe I went off the AD meds too soon....pretty much back to square one with W too.

[Redo]

Had a pretty big backslide today. This morning I asked W to go to the park with kids and I. She told me her back hurts. Things have been wearing on me lately and I reacted to her...didn't say anything, but I walked around the house in a bit of a fuss. [bold] She picked up on it right away and got pissed herself. I tried talking to her about it but she just got more mad[/bold]. Then she ended up leaving the house, and I left shortly after to take the kids to the park. When I got home she had moved all of her stuff out of our room and into the basement.

Oh man we had some of these. Looking back now, it seemed like we had gotten to a point where both of us were walking on eggshells. We had a closer connection before things started going bad and we lost it. Somehow we could not ignite those feelings. In our case my wife used to take off the wedding ring and give it back to me.

It's basically going to be I don't ask her to do anything....she said she feels pressured into doing things when I ask and worries I will get upset if she tells me no (like I did today).

My wife too got to a point where she said that she started worrying about conversations with me. I think the moment conversations with your mate become stress events the detachment starts. You might have to do things to reduce that emotional distance with her. For me it was hard to do as i slowly started resenting wife. So watch out for those negative feelings that might start creeping up. Look at the big picture.

For almost 6 months we had this weird pattern that once in 2 weeks on a friday we would have an argument and things would go back to square-1. Its normal. You are trying the best you can to keep the family together. Don't be too harsh on yourself. Right now you've got to keep your spirits high because you cannot expect positive encouragement from your wife.

[Navyguy]

In our case my wife used to take off the wedding ring and give it back to me.

Well, at least I don't have to worry about that. My W isn't wearing her ring at all.

My wife too got to a point where she said that she started worrying about conversations with me.

I feel like she doesn't even care at this point...I'm the one that's always worried about talking to her.

So watch out for those negative feelings that might start creeping up. Look at the big picture.

That was exactly my problem...the negative feelings built up until I became visibly upset with her. I've been really good at focusing on the big picture up until yesterday.

For almost 6 months we had this weird pattern that once in 2 weeks on a friday we would have an argument and things would go back to square-1.

W and I already went through something similar for about a year and a half prior to her leaving. To her, that was when she was trying to save our marriage. I didn't have a clue what I was doing, and I would take her temperature every couple weeks as soon as I saw some positive signs, which just started the cycle all over again. Since she left back in January, she has maintained that she is done and doesn't see the point in trying anymore.

How can I overcome that????? I know I have time, but she even told me yesterday that the things I do for her which used to make her feel loved don't make her feel loved when I do them now. She will not let herself feel loved by me.

[Tomtom]

Wow Navyguy,
My sitch is very similar to yours, although my history is somewhat different.

I understand your situation and will continue to follow this thread.

Looks like you haven't detached. Try to avoid suggesting any common activities for a while. Does she ever suggest doing something together as a family or is everything initiated by you?