First time caller...

[Telemark]

OK, fellow DBers, I'd like to read your thoughts about this situation...

As I mentioned in my sig line and in a few posts I have a SS21 who is severely autistic (W's youngest S). He is very active, has severe OCD and needs constant supervision. He can also tend to get very angry and aggressive; not to the point of hurting anyone but destroying - not just damaging, but actually destroying - anything within reach, such as furniture, electronics, etc.

I am writing this so you will have a small understanding of the added stress our M has endured in addition to all of the other factors. Anyway, SS21 has been more agitated lately and has been more difficult to control. I am there as often as I can be so that W can have a "back-up" in case things get out of hand, and also so that W can maintain her work schedule. And I've always done that, so this is not a "new" behavior. I often rearrange my time so I can be there for him and for her. However, W has always been very protective of him, and often steps in to "take over" when I need to restrain him or keep him from acting out with inappropriate behavior.

Within the last several weeks, though, W has been detaching herself from him by spending a lot of time either in her home office ( with door closed) or in her bedroom (with door closed). So SS21 is left to his own devices, which means I usually have to monitor his actions, redirect him from inappropriate behavior and generally act like the home guard. W says she is playing games with other people on her phone - I resist the urge to say something very sarcastic to her, and frankly I am caring less and less what she is doing on her phone, or who she is doing it with. But it appears that not only has she checked out of our M but she is also checking out of family life.

Dealing with a special needs child is indescribably stressful for anyone involved, and I have always given her great credit for doing as good a job as she has done with SS21. With these new behaviors she is exhibiting, I have said nothing to her that is the least bit critical or accusatory; I am concerned that she is reaching her limit in dealing with everything - long workdays, our M situation, the ongoing stress of dealing with SS21 and whatever status her EA is in.

BUT...at what point do I stand up and say, "You can't just drop out of this race and leave me to pick up the pieces"? I am starting to think that she is using me as a good excuse to do just that. In her first M she "ran away from home" to her sister's house in another state for about a week because she could not handle the responsibilities any more. It looks like the same pattern is developing again. I'm trying to uphold my role and responsibilities as a good stepfather - and H - but I do not want to be regarded as the 24/7 live-in nanny.