Harrier

[Harrier]

Yikes. A beatdown by 25.

Thanks, but first let me re-cap the positive this weekend.

1. No R talk. (Sat, Sun, Mon)
2. No crying in front of W
3. No snooping
4. No getting mad in front of W
5. Tried to keep all interactions fun and positive.

My wife would give MWD fits...I'm sure.
Okay, let me recap. We did have an R talk on Friday night. It was logistics talk of the move out. I kinda get where my W is coming from. I don't think she wants to separate, per say, but she wants to live apart. If I'm being stupid about this, you can say I told you so later.

So during the talk, I kinda effed up. But she tells me a bunch of things - all positive. She loves me, she thinks there is no one in this world like me for her, she doesn't want divorce, she likes to spend time with me, etc. But, and the big but, she has a lot of anger at me for the past year and she said it's hard to process that when I'm around. I kinda get that. that's why she can't do it living together. So we end that and agree to have a good weekend.

We had a good time on Saturday and she sends me a text out of the blue.
"G'night. You are a good dude and I am lucky to have you. No matter what I love you. See you when you come up."

The rest of the weekend went pretty smooth. and I will get into the substance of what 25 talked about, but she didn't see me get mad once, nor did I snoop once and she gave me lots of opportunity.

Okay....now on to your questions.

[/b]
Still all about her....

How's that working for you?

Re-read the posts people have given you. Oh, and retain the information in them. This is an absurd comment for you to make. It means you manipulated and it didn't work and you are complaining...good grief. The changes she wants are healthy ones! And you don't get that...you really don't...you think she should IMMEDIATELY change into who YOU want her to be....Sheesh!

I agree 100%. I don't think she should immediately change. There have been substantial changes of the last 7 months by myself. I've lived them. I'm not going to rattle them off again. Clearly, I know everything hasn't been changed. I'm not doing the changes to "manipulate" her. But get what you are saying. The changes are for me. It's not healthy for me to snoop, it's not healthy to expect affection. Okay, slap noted.

So she's responsible for how you feel and act? What a way to live...

This is where I part ways with the DB process a lot. People don't live in vacuums, they just don't. If I found a $100 bill on the sidewalk would I be happier than before I found it. Heck yes. Now is the $100 bill suddenly responsible for my happiness? No. We derive happiness, anger, sadness, annoyance from a host of outside forces. We are human after all. I understand about giving some person too much power, but I can't deny its there.

I was annoyed in the moment. I didn't let it color my whole day or my interactions with her or the kids.

Break the cycle - My W and I are caught in a cycle of reactions to eachother. I do something, she reacts, I react to her reaction, etc. I'm trying to stop my reactions and things that activate her.
1. the snooping- she hates it, it causes a reaction in her.
2. Me getting mad about her lack of affection.

This weekend was a start to no. 1. No. 2 has been undergoing a change for about 3 weeks now - the first step is to highlight the positive instead of focusing on the negative. However, if I do get upset Don't Let her see. Because she reacts to that.

My other changes have been going on for months. These ones I have been failing at, I admit. I don't know what her timeline is for "real" change
But I know a part of it is getting over my anger with her about the EA.

I disagree that my "changes" are only tactics to get her back. Why? I don't want to have these feelings anymore and regardless of whether we ultimately stay together, these are changes that HAVE to be made. She has commented on some of the changes though.
I do agree that I have to focus on the fact they are changes for ME.

Thanks for the weekend challenge on the snooping and R talk. I kept repeating something that you wrote to myself during the good times this weekend. "This is what forgiveness can look like." I don't know if really applies here.