back again

[any chance?]

I don't want to give up, not in the least. W is on the fast track, to be sure. I am feeling very betrayed at this time. Major impact on my psyche. Probably a good thing I will not be home for 2 weeks. I am swirling in a dark cloud where I am imagining the worst of everything. Is it possible for someone you have spent your life with to just burn you? Obviously this is true on this site. Didn't think it would happen to me. But it is.

I need to find a reason to feel positive.

[any chance?]

I am having a very hard time dealing with the fact that I would never, under any circumstances, treat my W the way she is treating me. Never. She is just cutting me out without a tinge of remorse or regret, near as I can tell.

I have been trying to be the nice guy since the bomb got dropped 2 weeks ago (for the second time in a year). She wants out, and wants to start a new life away from me. I told her I would help her with the transition, which shows I am a true moron. I just have a very hard time understanding why she can just disregard everything we have ever had or ever been.

I am having a very hard time thinking there is any hope at all, which makes DBing very, very tough. How do you know when you should just give up and walk away?

Sorry to be so negative in my posts lately. I am having a very, very difficult time. Something you all know far too much about.

Thanks for listening

[jbnati]

Hang in there! Just remember she is not thinking rationally right now. Believe none of what your hear and 50% of what she does. Hopefully, this is about as bleak as it's going to get for you.

I would NOT say you are being a moron for telling her you would help her during the transition. You are showing her love. Helping her during the transition is a much more difficult task than turning your back on her.

If nothing else, DB to save yourself. Don't focus on the end goal of having your W want to come back right now. If she bombed you a year ago and then again just recently, you probably don't want her back again just to have her do it again in the short term. If you DB, possibly she will want to come back, and will never bomb you like that again.

[any chance?]

Trying to put it into perspective. I really need some advice (or 2x4's) here.

Brief synopsis:
-M has been in turmoil for the past two-three years
-W almost filed D in June 2010, but could not
-we worked on our R for several months, after she partially came out of a deep depression in Oct 2010
-I thought we were on a path to recovery
-I had to leave the country for 3.5 months in early 2011 - I came back for a week, W came down for 10 days (had a blast), we SKYPED 4-5 times week
-returned in mid May
-W files for D in early May, before I return
-W want a D and wants to move out of state, saying her life is too messed up here
-after initial confusion (and too much pursuing on my part), I read her a heartfelt letter, agreed to sign the D papers
-I left on a 2.5 week trip one week ago

W told me she would call me. Have not heard a word from her, which is very unusual. I have not tried to call her, and will not (trying LRT at this point).

I am confused and bewildered. I feel like she is just cutting me out of her life without a second thought. At this point, I truly feel like I will probably not see her again. I am having a very hard time even imagining that DB will help, and that for some reason, this woman I have cared about for 20 years wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I feel lost and isolated.

I feel like a crybaby on this board, where others situations are far worse than mine. This site has been a tremendous help over the past 2 years. I am confused, as the recent developments have me lower than I have ever been, even during the past 2 years of nightmare.

I am thinking that my W has really just been playing me for months and months, stringing me along before screwing me over. I cannot contemplate this is true, not from her. And that is the hardest thing of all.

Sorry for the long thread, but I needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

[any chance?]

I think I am undergoing a change in perspective, and I am not sure if it is good or bad.

W got in touch via brief email for the first time in 5 days. I am on a work trip, and in the past we always touch base every day or so. Not a word for 5 days, then a brief email, almost as if done by guilt or she thought she had to. I responded a day later with an upbeat email giving her an update.

This week has been brutal, as W is apparently just cutting me out of her life. I think I need to detach and accept the fact that our M is over. Part of me thinks she is in a fantasy world, part of me thinks she is a WAW who has firmly shut the door and will never look back.

Totally uncertain how to proceed.

[jbnati]

I would agree that you need to detach, but I am not so certain you should accept your marriage is over yet unless you want it to be. I don't think you'd be here if you wanted it to be over.

Detach, continuing working on yourself - what have you done for yourself lately? I know you're out of town for work so it's hard, but you need to GAL to have any shot at competing with her fantasy world.

[any chance?]

Thanks, jb. I am working on GAL as much as I can. Picked up a journal today so I can chronicle my goals and objectives, and journal as much as I can. I undergone some serious transformation since this nightmare began a couple of years ago, and will continue to do so. Looking forward to working on my list of goals, for myself as much as her.

Now I need time, and I hope to have some with her when I get home in early June. Being gone alot has not been good for her or the M. I only hope she will be around when I get back. My dejected persona is convinced she will be moved out when I get back.

Got to get the negative outlook in check, and start to think positive and forward. Not an easy transition, to say the least

[jbnati]

AC - it sounds to me like you are getting on the right track now. You are not contacting her. The big thing that jumped out at me from notsosunny/Cindy's post that she said help turned things around was that he let her miss him. Try not worry too much about if your W moves out - she's going to do what she's going to do. Either way she will have the opportunity to miss you. I think your goals you are working on are a very good thing, too.

I know this is very hard, especially when you think things were heading in the right direction and then BAM! She is thinking otherwise.

[Telemark]

AC, I've read your posts and I empathize with your feeling of betrayal and rejection; it is hard to comprehend how cooly cruel our WAWs can be.

I notice your W and my W are close to the same age. While MLC may be a too simplistic answer, it might explain part of their behavior. Your best defense, I think, is what jbnati and others have suggested: detach as much as you can. That is very difficult to do, but it is paramount to your mental and emotional survival.

If you can take your focus off of your W and start to focus on your own health and sanity, you will start to feel less anxiety over her actions. Trust me, it works. It might be 2 forward and 1 back, or some days 2 forward and 2 or 3 back, but it's like building up a tolerance and resistance to this disease that is wracking your self and soul.

And exercise. Do anything, but move. Push your physical self to the limit. That works, too.

[any chance?]

Thanks for your thoughts, folks.

There is no question that I do not want to lose my W. I love her very much, and this nightmare has solidly reinforced that, but I am pretty sure she does not see that. I think I now realize that she has been focused on a D for at least 18 months, if not longer, and, although she strongly maintains she has given 100% to reconciling, I don't believe that is true. Comments she made when we were together recently makes me realize she is totally focussed on the negative, and, between her IC and an old friend urging her forward, I think our M is doomed. I dearly hope not, but I have to be realistic.

I am trying to detach and adjust, and am going to GAL as much as I can. Seems as if I have no other choice.