Harrier

[MynameisMZ]

Harrier,

I need to catch up on your sitch, but sometimes doing that is like finding a needle in a haystack.
Is there a way for you to give a little "thumbnail sketch" of your sitch? Thanks in advance.

I want to give you my "thumbnail" sitch as an example on why you should heed MLC25's advice about staying the course and looking to be conscious about your behavior.

My H was having an EA (I just found out recently) about 18 months before it turned into a PA. That takes us back to 2008. I was really wrapped up in work. I was starting some new projects and was distracted and busy. I knew my H and I were disconnected, but we had periods of that before. I never imagined an A. So a year goes by and into early summer of 2009 and I start to get a little annoyed with our disconnect, but I was still so busy. Looking back, I was DB and had the gift of denial, so I gave him lots of space. In retrospect that A was going to happen no matter what I did. I really believe that now..... and that's for my thread.

My point is that I read a lot of peeps on here having to really WORK DBing for months, even years. BTW- Some I agree with and can see and some I can't.

Anyway.....In early 2009 I expressed discontent to H and wanting to be closer. He said it wasn't going to happen. I basically shrugged, thinking, "OK, he's working through something and I need to back off." Again, NEVER imagining that an A was in the works. So in a way, I was doing DB without really knowing it. It wasn't until the end of that A and H wanting out (not knowing how to get out....eye-roll) that I started to wake up. I started investigating. In retrospect he was starting to drop hints, like texting her in front of me, saying that a group of them went out for drinks after work. It's so freakish when you can look back and see the dynamics 20/20 or 100% hind-site. Once it started unveiling itself, I had to do some hardcore DB and it was hard! H was in and out of it with OW, playing both sides against the middle. Or MC was even amazed at my focus (she later told us) because those early days are rough.

I was just thinking today that while my H was having his A, there was a co-worker who was getting my attn and mine his. However, I was cognizant enough to think, "Hmmmm, why is this attraction happening? What is going on with me and H that this is cropping up?" I put a big bag of ice on that sitch with the co-worker. I now know that that was a big red flag that our R was in trouble.

I know you are hurt and frustrated. You really have to focus and really make the changes. It's like that movie Ground Hog Day with Bill Murray. He wants things to change in his life and he tries to try at first and fails, then he tries....it isn't until he really has the change in his heart that things do change. It's a good movie to illustrate what a lot of peeps say on here.

I've said enough on your thread.....

Happy MD!

MZ