Thanks, Laura. Things have been pretty calm this weekend. He starts out each day a little surly and then calms down as the day goes by. The whole thing about him wanting me here is a total control game, because he's spent three days working on one room and hasn't begun to touch the stuff that needs my involvement. We did get a little bit settled on the big items without any drama. He started yelling at me yesterday about something and I told him in a firm spoken voice to stop it, and he did. Of course he's taking his sweet time getting out of here. He should be packing the truck today, but still no truck, he's just making inventories and "staging." In two and one half days he's packed twelve boxes and moved about twenty... there are fifty more in the basement... but he won't let me help. Whenever I get too bored, I just leave and tell him to call me, but he doesn't call because he's not really doing anything.
I have been doing a lot of reading lately on the subject of abuse, and have some insights into why I stayed with him this long. In part, I know it is because I am a loyal, determined, compassionate and hopeful person. There were good times scattered among the bad, as there are in most abusive relationships, but my real problem was in identifying that I was being abused and even when he frightened me. One thing abusers do is create confusion. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Being compassionate, I always tried to understand what had happened from his point of view as though his anger came from a rational place -- it doesn't.
One could ask, how could someone explain away abuse? That's where it has helped me to realize that my father is a verbal abuser too. My mother is an amazing woman who was able to create her own boundaries and hold her own against my dad. As a kid, I think I was insulated from it, because his primary target was my mother, but it didn't give me a good foundation for being able to tell when someone had gone too far. I also know from how my parents deal with one another that someone who does go to far can be very sorry without actually making an apology. In short, I will put up with a whole lot of crazy without any resolution for a very long time.
I'm not weak -- I know because I've put up with him for so long and still maintained a sense of myself. I'm not stupid, but my H is a fantastic liar. I never sought to change him, though I did think we would grow together as a couple and he certainly told a lot of great stories about how things were gonna be someday. I'm not looking for abuse, in fact, quite the contrary. I've been seeking to mutual understanding with someone who creates the illusion of intimacy through lies and confusion. It's all been smoke and mirrors, but now I know the tricks. I don't see any reason to beat myself up for loving, trusting or hoping. It just took a lot of years to realize that love and trust and hope were wasted on someone who felt unloveable, didn't trust anyone and manipulated through hope. That's on him, not me.
Don't even get me started on those jerks who say things like, "well she stayed with him" or "he knew she was crazy before they married" or "he wouldn't have acted out if she hadn't stood up to him." That just boils my blood. Anyone who knows anything about abuse knows that it's sunshine and roses at the start, then a few subtle things happen and then it just starts getting worse.
I know now that my H is in a lot of pain, and it doesn't have anything to do with me (except the part where I'm abandoning him finally). He won't accept that he's abusive. I'm not helping him by continuing to be his target. I'm not helping either of us by staying.
I used to be upset that he wouldn't move out to live with me, but I don't think we'd be married right now if we hadn't spent so much of our marriage apart. I knew it was over when he started talking seriously about moving, and the first thing I thought was "Oh, no." Yep! It was all a great fantasy as you say, or as I like to say, "He was a great husband in theory."
