I need fast advice!

[25yearsmlc]

To get a db coach you hire them. They are essential, imo. I had a mc (actually went thru a few before I found one who was truly pro-M and consistent with DBing) but I also had a DB coach, whom I called on the phone. I ended up having about 12 sessions over 18 months (I can't recall how long really) but she was a Godsend.

Advice here is generally excellent. If you here from others in your exact stage, they can be too angry so you have to weed that stuff out, but you can lean on each other for support in even those cases. Most of us have been where you are so you are in the right place.( I suggest you post in the newcomers forum, btw, I didn't notice where this was placed)

It's not too late but clearly it would be better if things had started sooner.

Do you have the Div Busting books? Get them and read them and implement them if you have not started already. There, you will find a lot of specific advice and "how to" advice. So start there and come here.

Having said that, you already know some important things. Since we base our approach on the radical but simple idea that one does what works to make the m better and does NOT do (or does less of) that which hurts the m, you are at an advantage.

Why? B/c you already know what helps your situation and what does not.

Chances are, your h does not believe your changes are real, but rather they are "Tactics" to win him back. Chances are, part of that is true.

IF the changes are real and for the right reasons (ie to make YOU a better person) then in time, he'll see that. THEN he'll have to react. But his reaction is also irrelevant since you made the changes b/c you wanted to be a better you. This way, your life improves no matter what.

Sounds as if he really values the times you get along. That's great.

However, if he has another woman, (I'm not saying he does but it is often a factor) then you will have to let that sort itself out. Most affairs do not result in marriages and those that do, most often end in divorce. There's nothing you can do to change that EXCEPT what we are saying here.

I'm not sure why your kids are angry at him. You have admitted that you drove him away. What is he doing that makes them angry at him? It's not as helpful to your cause as you think. It's best to keep the road home, paved and smooth.

Also, don't worry about his "marital revisions" of how he suffered. Those are necessary for him to justify leaving. IF you confront and challenge those revisions, he'll defend them.

Back off. You can say " I don't recall it that way but I'm sorry you were hurt." Or if he points out a legit issue you do regret, say something along the lines of "If I had it to do over, I'd do a lot of things differently." And don't go on any further. That comment shows you can change.

You don't want to argue. But you want him to see (not "here" about it from you) that marriage to you now, and from this day forward, would be different than it was.

If you cannot behave differently, over time, then he won't come back b/c the m as it was, got him out the door.

So you can't keep telling him he was really happy. (But trust me, a lot of our WASs would deserve Oscars if they were that miserable but acted happy in front of us).

Keep the Road Home, Paved and Smooth. Don't make it any harder for him to come back if he wants. But do not "wait" for him.

You have pursued, pleaded, and begged and it pushed him out the door. It did NOT work.
Sooo
Do something different. (This will make more sense when you get the books by MWD...do so asap).

(Before I say anything else, please tell me you have seen a L. Your h has filed, so this is NOT TO make things worse, but to protect yourself. With you having an income now, and his going down, you could be in trouble. Knowledge is power and it's very empowering to lower your financial fears. It made me realize I was choosing to stay m b/c I wanted to give us our best shot. Not b/c I feared being on the streets...make sense?)

Back to Dbing
You have to do 180s (some of which you have, good for you!) and you

you must Get A Life ("GAL"). That means meeting new peopple and doing things you always wanted to do. It takes your mind of the situation which lessens the likelihood of you pursuing him and obsessing.

That must stop. No more tears or anger in front of him. LOSE THE ANGER...at least in front of him. It's not attractive. He won't come back b/c of guilt.

Hand the pain and anger over to God and don't go taking it back the next day.
Just turn it over to Him b/c it's too much for you now. Been there, done that. It helps to calm you too.

You need to back off so that he can hear that little voice in his head saying "WTH are you doing??" Trust me, in the silence of the night, he wonders...

You need to give him the space so he can examine his choices and not have to defend them b/c you are in his face challenging them.

You need a little mystery in your life so the idea of HIM LOSING YOU, finally crosses his mind.

Do you understand that? Maybe next time he comes over to do the lawn, you thank him, leave him a meal to eat but you have to go to "meet a friend for lunch" and be vague...And when he sees you, you must always look your best. NEW Perfume, some new outfits/ clothes that are a little snazzier than he usually saw you in, maybe a newer fashion. Nothing insane or over the top but GOOD LOOKING, and no tattoos (unless you like that stuff) but become the "new, fresh, different, sexy, upbeat, happy, good w/a bright future- woman."

That's GAL....and it's probably a 180.

You are countering the negative images he makes in his head to justify leaving, with positives. You are contrasting the negatives with positives.

Those will eventually undermine his negatives or he'll see that his "data" about you is old or wrong or never was accurate...

Don't fuel the negatives. Make sense?

Welcome to a supportive environment for a lousy situation.

Get the books today. Begin reading and come here often. Do NOT tell him you got the books or are changing or doing this "new thing"....

Do not initiate Relationship talk. ("R" talk). That is pursuit and it did not work. Do not do what does not work. Do what does work.

Ask yourself every time you think you want to say or do something vis a vis him, "what is my goal here? Will it help me get closer to it...?"

Lots of time the goal ends up being "I want to hurt him" when the LBS (Left behind Spouse) is honest.

Boy does that backfire. Anger just fuels their negative images....and by the way, anger consumes US...and usually doesn't hurt them at all.

Hanging onto our anger to hurt them, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes...

Good luck, keep posting.