New and totally confused

[4betterorworse]

I definitely feel like he's leading the perfect life right now. He gets to be a husband and Daddy whenever its convenient for him... but I also know he's miserable. He's told me on several occasions that he is just so generally unhappy, and that he doesn't know if its me/our marriage that is causing his unhappiness or what. When he first left, he said he wanted to see if he could be happy without me. In recent conversations he has told me that he's not any happier without me (but then, is he really without me?) but he's also told me that he doesn't even enjoy doing his favourite things - like he bought brand new skis and golf clubs, hoping to use some of his new-found 'free' time doing stuff he loves to do but hasn't made the time for over the last couple of years. When he went away skiing a few times in the winter, he told me it was 'okay' and that he really didn't have much fun. Same goes for golfing now.. He's forcing himself to GAL, but he's not really enjoying it..

So I guess I failed to mention when describing my situation is that when he left, I had expressed my concern about his unhappiness and requested that, at the very least, he speak to his doctor about it. He actually agreed.. however, it took months and months before he actually went to see his doctor who did give him a referral to a psychiatrist. Well the referral took another 2 months, and he actually just had his appt about 2 weeks ago with the psychiatrist. I haven't actually asked him about the appt directly - I feel its his beast that he is battling with right now, and I am giving him his space. And for someone like him, talking about talking to someone is the absolute worst thing you could ask him to do. Honestly, I was just very happy that he shared the info with me that he actually had an appointment, and when it was etc. And I am so very proud of him for going through with it. Well anyways after his appointment, he told me that it didn't really help and he doubts he will go back again. I was not surprised. I really really feel like he is going through some sort of depression (whether it be due to our marital issues, or something else altogether), so I was very disappointed that after waiting 6 months for this appointment - it pretty much went nowhere. But again I wasn't surprised - I was just secretly holding out hope that this could help us somehow, or even pursuade him to go back to counseling. No such luck.

Anyways, fast forward to the last couple of days. His doctor left a vmail on Sunday night wanting to talk to him about a recent referral (obviously his appt with the shrink), and now I suspect he has been prescribed anti-depressants. This does not change anything with respect to my efforts in DB, but now I feel even more inclined to fight for our marriage. I don't want to blame our problems on depression, and I am not so naive to believe that drugs will make him a new man, but I do feel like we are dealing with more than just the two of us now, and that both scares me and makes me feel relieved all at the same time. Does that make sense?

[4betterorworse]

So I keep posting stuff, but it never seems to show up, so honestly I have no idea where I should start when I start typing again.. Last time I posted about a week ago I had said that I suspected my H was depressed and I am pretty sure he has been prescribed anti-depressants. He seriously has like 2 different personalities - which I know is also indicative of a WAS.. So I never know what I should take to heart. As I've mentioned we get along great, we haven't even had one argument in over 7 months (yes its been 7 months since he walked away) except for the few times we've discussed reconciliation - and even then I wouldn't categorize those convos as arguments, but rather very emotional discussions (no yelling whatsoever but lots of tears from both of us).. Today however has been a rotten day. I have no idea why, but he's been a total jerk to me. And believe me when I say I have given him zero reason. The last week or so, he's gone all cold on me again - he tends to do this every month or so. For weeks on end, he will be very affectionate with me, and then all of a sudden a lightbulb goes off in his head and he reminds himself that he doesn't love me, and he's not happy with me, and that he shouldn't be affectionate. But today he was a jerk. Nothing crazy just overall rude to me. I asked him to work from home today (asked him about 2 weeks ago), as my youngest child's home daycare has been on vacay for a week and I have been struggling with trying to work and care for him at the same time. I took a few vacay days myself, but I couldn't swing today and I had some really important meetings. I do work from home, but I honestly truly work, so its impossible to get work done with a very demanding 22month old by my side who is absolutely obsessed with my laptop and cell phone. Anyways, today was also my older child's 5th bday, so I thought it was a good day for hubby to work from home and we could tag team caring for our youngest and then he'd also be here for extra time to spend on our son's birthday - who was ecstatic to see him!! Anyways, he got here about 4 minutes before we had to walk him to the bus stop (about 8am) - no biggie - I knew he wouldnt be there any earlier since he isn't even living in the same city as us right now. But then the whole rest of the day, I couldn't even ask him a simple question without him being so rude with his reply. Ie. 'do you want to see the capes we made for <5yo's> superhero party?' - and he's walking away from me mid-question and says 'what!!' as if i was totally bothering him by speaking to him. Honestly he used to do this all the time before we were separated but hasn't done that to me in months and months. Today he acted as if he hated me and didn't want to be in the same room with me. He HATES working from home and helping with the kids during work hours, so I am going to try to not read too much into this and chalk it up to his usual grumpiness from the logistic challenges of working from home. But in the back of my head - every time he starts to go cold on me - my mind instantly goes back to 'okay now he's officially decided on divorce - he hates me'. I HATE having these thoughts. I've learned not to say any of my thoughts outloud to him (thank goodness for DR and this forum to remind me), but today I am having a bad day. I have been having more good days than bad lately, but today was bad. It doesn't help that I was so overly emotional at my baby turning 5 (I am totally the sappy, head over heals in love with my kids kinda mom - one of the things that my H HATES about me).
Ok question - even though I am 99.999% sure that he not having an affair (b/c really, how can I be 100% sure?), is it normal for me to read into all of his actions, and worry about an affair so much even though he's given me no reason to think that?). Like every time he says he's going out with friends from work, or going on a business trip (he doesn't do many of these) or whatever, I instantly think to myself 'is he meeting up with another woman?'. I swear I am starting to make myself crazy. Its ridiculous. I've never been insecure or worried about him cheating - and he's had some cheating in his life so he's very very much against it, but maybe I am just still looking for reasons why he's gone? Like maybe I'd be able to accept this more if I knew he was cheating - b/c then he'd just be a big jerk to me.. Right now, I just can't fathom us NOT trying to work things out. B/c I just don't get this. I don't. I am totally and entirely baffled by all of this. He always tells me that there is nothing major, not one big thing that's wrong with us - its just a lot of little things that he can't live with. But every little thing that he has mentioned, in my opinion, can be fixed - or at least attempted, perhaps compromised etc.. And the issues I have with him, I think can be compromised as well. The big diff is that I am willing to work on the things he hates about me but he still refuses to work on himself (at least thats what he says, even though I've seen a few 'minor' changes in him. Okay I am babbling now again - what i do best. I'm assuming this will be yet another lost post of mine, so I guess its just therapy for myself.. maybe one day all my posts will magically appear.

[dbmod]

^

[4betterorworse]

So things are pretty much the same - he's still being a bit more distant than usual. We havent spent any time together for about 2 weeks other than at our son's bday party on the weekend. He was pretty helpful and thanked me several times for going to all the trouble of throwing such a fun party for our little guy. He hasn't stuck around at all lately though. I dont know whats going on the last two weeks - I dont know if he is pushing me away on purpose, if he is just really busy (which is entirely possible as his work is crazy), or if he actually started taking anti-depressants, and he's either annoyed at having to take them, or having some side effects.. I tend to always think worst case. Every time we take a few steps backwards, I instantly think to myself 'okay he's decided that divorce is the answer'. Not a good way to live, I admit. But on the flip side, he still hasn't brought up divorce (in fact he actually has NEVER brought it up - I have on occasion as our conversations are always around this so-called trial separation). I have somehow turned into the jealous wife (luckily i have never said anything to him so he doesnt really have a clue that I am feeling this way), but every time he goes out, goes on a business trip, whatever, I envision him cheating on me. He certainly has every opportunity - and he knows that I have zero opportunity since I am always with our kids. I really really wish I could stop my thought process wrt to cheating. How do I do that?
I am also dying to ask him to go on another date - without calling it a 'date' per se. Any suggestions? I probably wont do anything though unless he gets out of this mood he's been in. His behaviour the last two weeks is more like his behaviour the first 2 or 3 weeks of our separation - minus all the anger and emotion. He's just distant. After the first month of our separation though, thats when things started to signficantly improve - hence all my confusion from earlier posts. Gawd I am so unbelievably confused at all of this. And I am starting to get angry. I am angry that he won't talk to me - that I have never ever been given the opportunity to explain any past or present behaviour - and more importantly that I have never been given the opportunity to express my issues with the marriage. I am starting to get angry that he left his wife and children (one of which was just a baby when he left). i am angry that he left me when I was still having to get up with the baby 10 times every night, and angry that I've been left to do everyting all by myself. I'm angry at myself for putting up with all of this. I am angry b/c all of my friends keep telling me to just ask for a divorce, and that I'm better off. I am angry that I can't make any plans for anything - vacations, decorating our relatively new house etc etc, b/c that would be 'unwise given the circumstances'. Ergg I go from angry, to sad, to accepting to happy about 20 times a day. I keep wondering when enough is enough. I can't wait for him forever. I have to move on eventually. But at what point and what circumstances do I put an end to all of this - if it comes down to that. And then on the flip side, if he decides that he wants to work things out, and I am going to be worried for the rest of our lives together that he is going to walk out the door at any second again? Can I live like that? And if he's not willing to change himself, well then it really doesn't matter if he wants to work things out b/c I refuse to be the only person putting any effort into this marriage. and right now I am putting in 100% and he is contributing a big fat 0. But I get thats the way it has to be right now - I am more than willing to do all the work if he comes around too - and so far that has been working out really well. He has responded to my changes.
Okay so I am sure I am overanalyzing everything right now - and I am definitely having an 'anger' moment, but writing about it helps. Thanks for listening.

[4betterorworse]

on a side note - does anyone have any idea how long it takes, or how many posts are required to become unmoderated? I find myself having so much to say all the time, but hesitate as I know it will be weeks potentially before I get any feedback. I understand the need, just wondering how long. Also I often feel drawn to other posts but hesitate to respond as I am afraid it will show up days later and my response won't make sense as its so out of date. I also feel totally inadequate to respond - like who am I to give advice, obviously I suck at this marriage crap lol.

[4betterorworse]

So still the distance. I dont know whats suddenly going on with him - other than seeing the kids for a bit every couple of days he's barely spoken to me. He's not rude or anything just seems like a completely different person. Scares me. Tomorrow he goes on a business trip for 8 days - will be the longest we haven't seen each other since he went on the same business trip last year. I haven't really been texting or emailing him at all lately since he seems so off to me, so I guess I will just continue to do that while he is away. I am dreading the week alone with the kids though - I don't get much help but its better than no help. And my little guy isn't feeling well. I so can't afford to take any more time off work So I did screw up tonight - I asked him if I did something to tick him off (if I did I'd be shocked), he said 'not at all'. I said 'well you've barely said two words to me in two weeks' - he said 'Just not feeling like talking. I'm sorry. Its not you'. I know I shouldnt have said anything, but things were going soooo well (other than the whole 'our marriage is over thing'). I don't know what to think. This distance is really making me think he's about to do something drastic, but is too scared to tell me I really just wish he would talk to me. Honestly if he thinks he is so unhappy in our relationship but doesnt want to talk about it or work on it then it really scares me about what my or his future looks like. If we can't make this relationship work, then I feel doomed to make any other relationship work (and then I start my downward spiral thinking about being alone forever). We really do have a good relationship deep down - and I know we could be happy together. I think he just needs to learn to be happy in general. With or without me - I don't think he would be happy right now no matter what. And i wish he would take a look at himself first before he throws away something as precious as his family. Gawd I wish he would just talk to me - I know I keep saying that. I dont pressure him AT ALL though.. I just wish I knew what has suddenly made him go into this weird silent person that I haven't seen before. Is it possible anti-depressants could do this? I still dont know for sure if his doctor prescribed them, but I think if he actually told his doctor the truth about how he has been feeling I'd be really surprised if the doctor didn't do something. I know he went to the trouble of going to a doctor so I know he would have told the doctor some of the truth - maybe not everything. Who knows.
Ok so off to a different topic - how the heck do I GAL? I am pretty much caring for my small children 99% of the time. I am racking my brain to come up with GAL ideas that don't require me to spend a crazy amount of time away from my kids - mainly b/c I just dont have babysitters available to me. I've had a few girls night, doing a bootcamp and joined a gym in the area that hasn't opened yet. H comes the evenings I go to bootcamp - but thats only twice a week and he doesnt get home until about 30 minutes before my angels go to sleep. I honestly would LOVE to GAL right now, but I just dont know how I can do it. Any suggestions as to things I could do without having to depend on a babysitter?
So Im bouncing around topics like crazy here - I told my gossippy neighbours yesterday that H and I were separated. We've been apart for over 7 months now so I know all the neighbours are wondering - as we are all very close and all our kids play outside etc. I've been very hesitant in telling anyone about our situation but slowly over the months, most of my family know, all of my friends know, and now some of my neighbours and colleagues now. I feel so humiliated when i tell people. I never actually say 'my h left me' so who knows what they think but I still hate telling people. And of course my kids don't know so I am scared to death someone will tell my 5yo. I told my H when this all started that I was not going to sit down and explain anything to our oldest unless we had decided on divorce b/c thats when everything would change. I know this wouldnt work for everyone but in our situation, H was barely home before, so DS hasn't really noticed that daddy doesn't live with us. He thinks Daddy gets home a lot of nights after he goes to bed and that he leaves for work before he gets up in the morning. Honestly that was exactly the way our lives were prior to the separation anyways. I know he is now noticing that Daddy isn't here as much, he will ask me if 'daddy is coming tonight' 'will daddy be here in the morning' etc. But its been such a gradual thing that I dont think it has shocked him or anything. He also knows that Daddy sleeps at nana's some times and that he works late alot. And he doesnt even ask why I dont come with them when they go to visit his parents or sisters. Breaks my heart. I just want to scream that my little ones have to go through this - and that this crazy life we are living is just 'normal' to them. It kills me. They deserve so much better. Anyways going to stop thinking about that right now. I always have to stop myself from thinking about them, how this will affect them, custody etc b/c it makes me want to throw up - and in fact i have several times if i think too much about it. I try to tell myself now that I will deal with those emotions etc when and if the time comes, b/c I cant live that hell every day of my life. (don't get me wrong though - I will always put my kids first, if there is ever a moment where i 'have' to think about how something will affect them)..
Okay i am so tired now, and so very sad. Time to try to get some sleep. Thank goodness for mild sleeping aids these days
Night all.
L.

[Timetotry]

I definitely feel like he's leading the perfect life right now. He gets to be a husband and Daddy whenever its convenient for him... but I also know he's miserable. He's told me on several occasions that he is just so generally unhappy, and that he doesn't know if its me/our marriage that is causing his unhappiness or what. When he first left, he said he wanted to see if he could be happy without me. In recent conversations he has told me that he's not any happier without me (but then, is he really without me?) but he's also told me that he doesn't even enjoy doing his favourite things

Hang in there on the moderation on posting, we all have been through that frustration.

Your post sounds similar to my H's issues. I am 5 months S now. You actually have your H saying he recognizes he isn't any happier, believe it or not, that's progress.

Have you read DB?

Easier said than done but as I am told, it takes time and lots of patience. I feel for you with small kids on trying to GAL. I get one night a week where my H takes them overnight. That's the time you GAL, when HE has them. And even if it means going to the mall to shop, gosh or even going to Target to get stuff, its still NOT thinking about your sitch and doing something just for you and without the kids. I do that if I have nothing planned and make it mysterious to H, it drives him nuts. Not sure if it helps or not but I gotta think it does. Maybe it will help shake your H up too.

[4betterorworse]

Thanks TTT.. I'm still doing my best to get out and about. Just got home this afternoon from a girls weekend. It was fun, but I have to say - every single time I go out drinking/dancing with my gfriends, I want to throw up half way through the night b/c I start picturing having to meet guys at bars again (I know obviously that there are other places lol, but after a few glasses of wine and too many emotions, I start to get paranoid!).. anyways, that's neither here nor there. We had a good time. Saw Robert Pattison filming a movie (even though I didn't have a clue who that was hehe). My H had the kids most of the weekend - he took them to his sister's yesterday and they slept over and came back this afternoon. THey have a pool so the kids love it there. I'm glad they had a great time, but two things have been bothering me. First - I wish just ONCE for the sake of understanding his wife a bit better that H would take care of the kids completely on his own for one day. He always takes them to his Mom's or sister's. I know he's a great Dad, and fully competent, but he always has help. He can sit back and have a beer and relax whenever he wants. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, b/c my family is non-existant, so I never have help. I just still don't think he fully understands all that I do for our family. I'm glad he has the support of his family - and I am not saying he should never take the kids over, b/c I'm glad they all get to spend time together, but just one time, I wish he could see how hard it is for me. Also, he ONLY has the boys on Saturdays. When he comes to see them during the week, he comes AFTER they've had dinner, been bathed etc. So he never really has to do any of the work. Anyways, whatever.. the other thing that bothered me about this weekend is that they had this great fun swimming weekend without me. I guess it doesn't so much 'bother' me as it just makes me sad and jealous, as this was something we all used to do as a family. Every day that goes by lately is a reality check for me - I'm finally starting to see that we will most likely never have a future doing all these stuff together again. Anyways, I had a fun girls weekend regardless. So H brought the kids back around 3 o'clock, and hung around until about dinner time. He's still completely avoiding me. Honestly its so night and day from how we were 1 month ago (not that I thought we would reconcile a month ago, but I still had a glimmer of hope). Its almost like HE's read the DB book, and decided to go dark or something. I've casually asked him if everyting was okay, and he always says yes, and that he's just super tired. He NEVER stays anymore to hang out with me, we haven't really even had a conversations unrelated to the children in several weeks. I dont know why the sudden change. Honestly, NOTHING happened between us that would have triggered this change, so the only thing I can assume is that he's been feeling guilty about actually spending time with me - perhaps he feels like he's been leading me on or whatever, or perhaps he's actually decided that divorce is what he truly wants, so he's just working up the nerve to tell me. I am also really wondering if he did in fact start taking anti-depressants - its the only thing that somewhat coincides with this sudden change.
So now I am wondering what to do - the stuff I was doing before or planning on doing where when things were going really well between us, when he's stay and watch movies with me etc. Now he comes to see the kids, doesnt really talk to me, and takes off as soon as he can, so I am not sure what my new action plan should be. I think I need to re-read the book.

Okay so I have a question that was touched on a little bit in the book - but how do you deal with friends who are convinced that you should get divorced? I have SEVERAL friends who think that my H is just totally screwing me over, and we've been separated for 8 months now, and enough is enough, that I should stand up for myself with dignity and self-respect and tell HIM that I want to get divorced. They give me this advice out of love for me as they all HATE him b/c of the situation - they think I deserve much better and that I should just move on. I definitely agree that I deserve much better than how I am being treated, but my goal is that H will see that I deserve much better and start BEING better. I know thats its highly unlikely, but ultimately I want my marriage to work. I've tried explaining myself but it doesn't work so I just thank my friends for their support and leave it at that.
My other question is how long do I live in this state of limbo? My H cannot decide what he wants, seems no closer to deciding anything, and while I'm obviously willing to give him this time and that we both need time to figure stuff out etc, but is there a point when I just say enough is enough? If he still continues to tell me that he doesn't think he is in love with me and doesnt think we can be happy together, and none of my divorce busting is working, I am going to have to throw in the towel eventually b/c Im going to have to move on with my life, raise my kids and hopefully find love and happiness elsewhere.

[4betterorworse]

Having a really tough week. H is acting as if we are already divorced. Something hit me this week - can't put my finger on it - but it suddenly feels 'over'. I've always had a tiny glimmer of hope that we may be able to work through this, but suddenly I feel like its a hopeless sitch. I just keep shaking my head wondering how in the world this happened to us.. We never had that perfect relationship, and we always thought that was actually healthy. I don't know how to do this anymore. How do I be patient but still take control and ownership of my own life? I don't want to be the one to initiate divorce, but to move on, I really need to sell my house and build a new life for me and my kids in a different home. I don't want to start dating, but lately I would pay a million dollars to have someone take me out for a nice dinner, some good conversation - for someone to look at me like they were interested in what I had to say - just to be with someone who wanted to be around ME. I need a self-esteem boost for sure. I can convince myself that I am great person - but come on, once in a while everyone wants to feel 'wanted' by someone else. I was just reading another poster's 'story' about her husband's issues having nothing to do with her, and I really feel that way too. I firmly believe he's depressed and has been depressed for years - amongst other issues. I definitely take responsibility for my own actions that caused turmoil in our marriage - but I think there is SO much more to him then the stuff he complains about with me. He says he's not happy - doesn't know if he'll ever be happy - doesn't know what would make him happy - thinks he'll probably still be unhappy if we divorce - worries that if we reconciled, that we would always be unhappy etc etc. I am really starting to wonder if reconciling WOULD be a good thing. and that thought scares me - I don't want to be walking on egg shells for the rest of my life wondering when he is going to be leaving next. I dont want to be the only person who has made self-improvements. I don't want to be with him the way he was, just as much as he doesn't want to be with me the way I was.. I've made so many changes based on the stuff he finally broke down and told me. Nothing major - but all the little things I did that I wasn't even aware I was doing. But I really don't think he has any desire to take a look at himself and make some improvements based on the issues I have with him. I know the DB book talks about one spouse doing all of the work - well thats exactly how I've been feeling. And I don't mind being the one to do that - but I have not seen much in the way of results. We have been separated for 8 months today. This was supposed to be a 2 month trial separation. Every day that goes by I get more and more confused. And every other day I have a different decison made in my head (ie yesterday I was bound, bet and determined to tell H that its over and I was going to start staging the house to sell), then today once again I think I want to keep trying. Thing is that I don't think there is anything left to try. He holds all the cards - i feel like i am just sitting waiting for him to decide. And i have no say in my marriage ending. I just want to stop THINKING about this he** that I am in. I seriously cannot go 2 seconds without thinking about my life, my future. I just want to forget about everything for a little while - even one hour. I just dont know how to get it out of my head. I even dream about it on the rare occasion that I can fall asleep.
So tomorrow I have my first individual counseling session. I've been putting this off for months now, but I think I need to learn some new coping methods, and i feel like the end is just around the corner, and I am going to need all the help I can get to get through this..
Today is a very, very bad day.

[shannon2011]

I sympathize...I am there too. My son Liam is 11 months, my D is 3 and we have been separated for 6 months. And-H just found a two bedroom apartment that he is moving into this weekend and he was not even going to mention it to me until after the move. I am actually filing for D next week. Do I want to? No-definitely not. But I think there is another W. I have a private detective following him this weekend because if there is another woman involved, she will most likely be helping him with the move.

I am filing because it is part of my going dark and LRT. And yes-I am ready to walk because he is making no effort. I would not say that you need to do that but you may need to shake some things up. You seem to be doing great with avoiding the R talks but you seem to be a little weary. Hang in there. I gave myself a timeline and deadline and well-H passed it this weekend. What other 180's can you do?

Veterans, any advice?

Shannon