So things are pretty much the same - he's still being a bit more distant than usual. We havent spent any time together for about 2 weeks other than at our son's bday party on the weekend. He was pretty helpful and thanked me several times for going to all the trouble of throwing such a fun party for our little guy. He hasn't stuck around at all lately though. I dont know whats going on the last two weeks - I dont know if he is pushing me away on purpose, if he is just really busy (which is entirely possible as his work is crazy), or if he actually started taking anti-depressants, and he's either annoyed at having to take them, or having some side effects.. I tend to always think worst case. Every time we take a few steps backwards, I instantly think to myself 'okay he's decided that divorce is the answer'. Not a good way to live, I admit. But on the flip side, he still hasn't brought up divorce (in fact he actually has NEVER brought it up - I have on occasion as our conversations are always around this so-called trial separation). I have somehow turned into the jealous wife (luckily i have never said anything to him so he doesnt really have a clue that I am feeling this way), but every time he goes out, goes on a business trip, whatever, I envision him cheating on me. He certainly has every opportunity - and he knows that I have zero opportunity since I am always with our kids. I really really wish I could stop my thought process wrt to cheating. How do I do that? I am also dying to ask him to go on another date - without calling it a 'date' per se. Any suggestions? I probably wont do anything though unless he gets out of this mood he's been in. His behaviour the last two weeks is more like his behaviour the first 2 or 3 weeks of our separation - minus all the anger and emotion. He's just distant. After the first month of our separation though, thats when things started to signficantly improve - hence all my confusion from earlier posts. Gawd I am so unbelievably confused at all of this. And I am starting to get angry. I am angry that he won't talk to me - that I have never ever been given the opportunity to explain any past or present behaviour - and more importantly that I have never been given the opportunity to express my issues with the marriage. I am starting to get angry that he left his wife and children (one of which was just a baby when he left). i am angry that he left me when I was still having to get up with the baby 10 times every night, and angry that I've been left to do everyting all by myself. I'm angry at myself for putting up with all of this. I am angry b/c all of my friends keep telling me to just ask for a divorce, and that I'm better off. I am angry that I can't make any plans for anything - vacations, decorating our relatively new house etc etc, b/c that would be 'unwise given the circumstances'. Ergg I go from angry, to sad, to accepting to happy about 20 times a day. I keep wondering when enough is enough. I can't wait for him forever. I have to move on eventually. But at what point and what circumstances do I put an end to all of this - if it comes down to that. And then on the flip side, if he decides that he wants to work things out, and I am going to be worried for the rest of our lives together that he is going to walk out the door at any second again? Can I live like that? And if he's not willing to change himself, well then it really doesn't matter if he wants to work things out b/c I refuse to be the only person putting any effort into this marriage. and right now I am putting in 100% and he is contributing a big fat 0. But I get thats the way it has to be right now - I am more than willing to do all the work if he comes around too - and so far that has been working out really well. He has responded to my changes. Okay so I am sure I am overanalyzing everything right now - and I am definitely having an 'anger' moment, but writing about it helps. Thanks for listening.
