At mass yesterday, I was trying to get some kind of confirmation for the thoughts and ideas coming into my head.
I felt God telling me that only after the final D decree and subsequent refi of our one major joint asset, will W finally feel severed from the marriage - free in a sense. And she will come to the realization that she's cut herself off of something.
I say "comes to" because I distinctly got the impression that there's not going to be any flash, eureka, scales falling from the eyes moment for W. Everything's going to be gradual.
Problem is, it wont cure her guilt and it wont buy her happiness. Yes, getting a nice fat check from the house will bandaid her emotions, give her shot of adrenaline, but that will not help her find a new job or temper the conflict with her faith or what used to be her faith or make her feel like she's no longer being selfish and unfaithful. What's more, she'll become just a live in guest in the home as opposed to a vested co-owner - it's just not the same level of comfort.
I know I'm rambling. But I get the feeling, she has to lose me, not in the sense that I find someone to replace her but in the sense that she's cut off and discarded a piece of herself and then begins to miss it.
As for me, I must remain true to my mission, to stay pure, above the frey, making sacrifices for my kids, getting a life and being content without dating someone else, and of course avoiding further setbacks and run-ins with the midlife monster.
They say timing is everything, and God's is perfect. Fidelity is my weapon, while she still would like to see me find a "friend". But I believe there is going to come a time in the future when she's thinking hard over all that has transpired and whoa other women are now paying attention to me. I don't know if that's just wishing upon a star, but I just have a feeling. Nobody knows the future.
D-Day is Thursday, June 2nd. It'll be tough, but I don't see any other way.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
