18 Wheels and a Dozen Roses

[AJM80]

This is mostly a vent. My H is such a jack a$$. He's just so, so self centered. Came over, took D to the playground around 3, when he got in. She lasted about 45 min there. We went outside when they got home so she could cool off in the hose and wash off the sunblock. He wanted to go outside too, but then kept letting son eat handfuls of mulch and complaining about being damp/grassy/mulchy from the kids play.

We came in and he started laundry - it seems like that's 90 percent of why he comes. He changes into random "play clothes" that are in one of the closets and washes what he wore that day (or his gym clothes or a suitcase full of laundry). D went to bed. I ran the vac and tripped a fuse (AC is on today, unexpected overload). So with 3 feet left to sweep, I had to run down to the basement and flip the switch. I flipped my laundry while I was down there. The vac came back on and he played with son 3 feet from an unattended running vac for 5-10 min. Didn't finish the floor, didn't shut it off...it was just weird. And I told him that, without any attitude.

Me - Look, I know you've said it always bothered you that I would just get angry and hold it in. I'm not really angry about this,

Him - (he interrupted me and was being critical) Why are you talking out of the side of your mouth?

Me - Why do you criticize me and put me down like that? You used to tell me I smelled, etc (I had some weird hormone thing while pregnant and smelled a little weird sometimes up close - I couldn't help it) It's just not nice.

Him - sheepish look, like he didn't realize it was hurtful, but as soon as I said it his expression looked like he realized it was freaking true!!!

Me - (finishing initial thought) - it's more just weird, but it is the kind of thing that drives women nuts. Did you notice the vac was on? I wondered why you didn't shut it off, or even better, finish that little patch.

Him - oh, I was playing with son and didn't even think about it.

(so, I'm not lying about not being angry - it was just weird. The vac is pretty loud. I'm glad he was playing with son.)

I ran out to do an errand (without telling him first - I bolted while they were in the basement), he played with son and did laundry.

I came home shortly after, he folded his laundry and left. He was here maybe 2.5 hours? He spent 1.5+ roundtrip getting here and daughter was asleep half the time he was here, son asleep the other half. He changed clothes like 3 times and did laundry in that time. I just don't get it. She's going to be so sad when she wakes up and he's not here to play with her.

Ok, vent over.

I was honest and kind, but critical - maybe not the right way to go...The vacuum thing was weird, I had to ask. And I am irritated today, by the heat and stress and lack of sleep. I stayed pretty even, but am sure it showed a little.

He's clearly still wigging out about our conversation the other night and wanted to avoid any follow up convo, in my opinion. Hahaha - I'd think Fleet Week would be a busy time for his gf, but maybe she has the night off and he wanted to see her.

Just weird today.

[OnMyWay]

Sometimes I wish we could sit and talk in person: I have so many questions, but don't have the time to put them all into words right now. Your female perspective on things is fascinating to me.

Men and women think so differently about everything.

[AJM80]

yeah, I've actually thought about that a lot in all this. All those nights I would drag myself home from work at 7 and husband wouldn't even let me get my shoes off, wash up/use restroom, get or a drink of water...he'd immediately want me to take D. On nights when he had let the babysitter go early, then complained to me about needing to study when I got home, I was ready to flip. He had no idea. And he's be furious if I said anything about the length of my commute - he'd argue with me that I was overstating it by 15 min - hello, I was doing it 6 month preg and I'm 5 inches shorter than him. I couldn't walk that fast.

Sometimes we would be going out somewhere as a family. I'd get D all ready, bottle, snack, extra diapers, clothes, hair. Then I'd try to go get ready between catching D. Then H would stand by door, tapping his leg for me to hurry up. SOMETIMES he would be blocking my shoes and purse so I couldn't finish getting ready. Other times he would putz around with his shoes and wallet and D and I would be waiting and waiting. He's a lot better about that now, more patient. I am much more assertive about this, though. He has to pull his weight getting them ready.

He was so far into himself after son was born that he expected me to watch D when he brought her to the hospital the next morning. I'd had a baby 24 hours before, the lunch tray was on the bed, the baby is on the bed with me, and he's letting her jump all over the bed. Thank goodness I didn't have a c section again. I had to keep telling him to take care of her and he just kept saying, but she wants you, she misses you. EXCUSE me, but I just had a baby and 30 lbs of toddler cannot be jumping on my lap and maybe you should hold her so I can eat food.

He took 12 credit hours more than he needed that last semester, had full time childcare, was searching for a job, I was working full time, and I was pregnant...he didn't have enough time to work on our relationship, but he had enough time to start a new relationship?

it's frustrating. I acknowledge my part and life's part in all this. Who knows if he'll ever be able to admit to his own goofiness.

[AJM80]

I wonder if he was telling me how stressed he was and I wasn't listening, or if (as I think) he was bottling everything up. I was sharing too much and beating him down and he wasn't sharing enough. He also wasn't giving me slack for being pregnant/postpartum. Our MC called him out on that early on, but he wasnt listening to anything at that point.

[AJM80]

So, funny thing. MIL and FIL visited just before I found out about A. They brought a large Mum as a housewarming gift, as we had just moved.

For some reason, mentally, I associate this plant with our relationship. It was huge and healthy when I got it, but like our relationship, really died back in Oct/Nov and was almost dead over the winter. Small shoots stayed green, though. It started to get much bigger. Then in the spring I put it outside too soon and it died back again.

This week it flowered (mums usually flower in the fall, so kind of weird). It's still pretty small, but seems to be quite healthy in a gnarly old tree sort of way. The mums I planted last year are huge and flourishing. This one is just sort of plodding along.

It's nearly nine here and H has not sent the note telling me when to expect him tomorrow. I bring this up because I asked him a few weeks ago to start giving me more notice (vs 9pm the night before or even in the morning). I'm not sure if I should let it go or politely remind him that I don't like the last minute notice (since he only comes part of the day, it makes it hard for us to make plans for the time he's not here). Part of me thinks, I should be setting firm boundaries. Another part of me thinks, I don't know what's going on with him today (esp since he said he was looking to end it with OW) and I don't want to come off as a nag.

I cc'd him (with others) on a few fun pictures of the kids out playing today. Otherwise, no contact.

We had a fun day and spent time with a good gf. And a good friend got engaged this weekend!

[AJM80]

Good thing son woke early. H texted in the middle of the night that he's coming at 8 am.

[AJM80]

OK, getting some thoughts out today. Happy Memorial Day and a huge thank you to all those who serve or have served our country. Bless you and may the future repay you in many ways.

I had an epiphany yesterday. I'm in a situation with my H that many people on here would love to have, still spending time together, having positive moments (even if he is still dating stripper and not openlytrying to reconcile). I just need to figure out if it's a good thing/where it is headed.

Yesterday he texted 2 hours before he was going to show up, which is a no no. So just a gentle reminder to give me a time the day before. As I said, luckily, son woke up early and I was up. I rushed around, cleaned house, fed son, and put on a dress/makeup.

We had no required activities for the day, so H asked what I wanted to accomplish. (I hemmed and hawed around here - I should have been more definite/not so indecisive, since it used to make him nuts) Finally, not knowing what he was trying to find out from me, I said I had considered taking them to a state park if he was not around. He said it sounded good. I also mentioned I had a coupon/giftcard for an outlet mall near the park. Finally, I said I wanted to get the other ac units installed with his help.

We hit the mall, then the park. Shopping and a little scenic hike. H was patient and didn't b---- at me to hurry when I was darting around getting the kids stuff together. He also didn't get mad when I realized I left my giftcard on the counter and had to run back in from the drive to get it. AND when I told him I needed to stop and return a movie at the grocery store....no problem....So, that was nice. Compared to this time last summer, he's a different person. Adele, Rolling in the Deep, came on and I teased him that he wasn't supposed to love the song and explained what it meant. We laughed. There were a few moments when I felt really irritated at him, but a good amount of shared, fun time. Since I know he is w/ OW, I find him less appealing and have definitely mentally pushed him away.

We didn't take much in the way of snacks, so H and D were really starting to get irritable. We went to a look out point and it was really nice. When she and I stopped to look at a bug together toward the end of the trip, H stood with son and waited patiently.

We headed home and he ran to get food as soon as we pulled in. It was perfect, because he knew he was starving, got consensus on the drive, and I took the kids in and got them cleaned up.

[AJM80]

So..other random moments that may matter later, before I get to the punchline.

1) I told him in the car that sometimes D makes me nuts. He asked if it was because she talks so much. I said I was ok with that part (he struggles with it), but when she just constantly was all over my physically sometimes it was too much. I think it really helped both of us to admit this - he felt guilt that he had bad thoughts sometimes and struggles with feeling like he's not a good enough dad. He looked very surprised. I struggle with having to be "perfect mom", the role he tries to put me in. It felt good to admit to and it helped me appreciate her more when we got home and she climbed into my lap.

2) I told him at a different time that I felt that this situation made me less effective as a mom, since I was more irritable and stressed and didn't get the same support and breaks. Not accusingly, just as a point of fact and something that I'm adjusting to.

3) We worked together on the air conditioner and I didn't try to tell him what to do. He was confident and took charge, but also considerate to ensure I had a hold of things before he let go, asked if I wanted it centered, etc. It was just good teamwork, on both sides.

4) He turned the tv to a show I mentioned that I like while I was up putting D to bed.

5) He stayed a good 8 hours? Granted, he was doing his laundry when we got back. I just realized - he brought his laundry upstairs, rather than put on music/folding it in basement

6) Drumroll, pls...
Last night after I realized that regardless of where things go, I was happy/thankful for the right now/that day, I texted H (all while considering it might be a bad idea). I said, I really enjoyed today. Even when you were hungry and starting to get irritable, you were kind and thoughtful and stayed patient with everyone. Not intended as a backhanded compliment/no criticism

I went to sleep 20 min later, wondering if I shouldn't have said anything.

He wrote back a really long text in the early am, saying he understood and really appreciated my positive feedback, since he's been trying to work on that. He brought up a moment in our day when the old him would have gotten impatient and said he made the decision to let D and I enjoy the moment we were having looking at our bug. Before you get too excited, he said he realized how important the journey/exploring/taking her time is to her development.

Only possible weirdness - I picked up a pair of I heart Dad boxers in the checkout at the outlet mall for the kids to give him for father's day. D pulled it out, I explained it to her, so she decided it needed to be given to him asap. I feel a little odd, since funny underwear is a gift I used to give often. I said something to acknowledge that it was a little weird to give him underwear, but that I thought they were a cute feel good item from the kids.

I mentioned a parade today and D got so excited. I know he'll be thinking about the good time we are having.

[JustStunned]

Glad you could enjoy time with your family this last weekend. The messages seem like building blocks. Now you’ll need to get another FD gift for the kids to give. Something other than boxers, perhaps.

[AJM80]

No more gifts. I picked up his fav drugstore shaving cream/aftershave a few weeks ago when it was on sale and the little stinker pulled those out of the hiding place and gave them to him too. She can scribble on a card and that'll do. He wouldn't wear a tie or a tshirt, he has mugs and photos. I'm not buying jewelry, electronics, or anything fancy. And maybe it was a little bit of an FU from me to the OW. I'll own up to that. There's a lot of history tying that gift back to other similar gifts (nothing kinky, the guy just likes new underwear) and a lot of, oh look at those, they are cute and by the register and on sale.

Yesterday I took the kids to the Memorial Day parade. I sent a pic of them to H and he talked to the kids for a few minutes just as the parade was coming and D was hilariously excited. She was on a phone kick and called gma and an aunt and daddy and 2 friends to say goodnight. Then she'd say BYE and hang up.

Son had a follow up dr appt today (in the city where we used to live/H currently lives and works). He's all clear and just needs yearly normal kid check ups. We took the train in and walked a long walk to the Dr. H sent a note asking how it went and if we could meet him for lunch. We grabbed a quick sandwich together and he helped me get the kids back to the train station.

After freaking out about seeing my sister's family, he had decided to come on a day they were here. Then he changed his mind (I don't care, I'm just sort of ignoring all that) and decided to come on a day they will be out running around and he can just say hello as they get back in (he's meeting up with a female former classmate who is in town from another country the original night).

Saturday I am leaving the world behind for a week and going to the woods/ocean/etc. I'm more tan that I have been in 5 years and it looks good on me.

I have a big deadline looming with July 1, so I'm just trying to relax and go with things.