OnMyWay: to who knows where?

[25yearsmlc]

supposing my m had ended and all the sacrifices I had made of my career for h's, only to have him leave us all for a JOB...

what if??

I had few plans for motherhood before h and our first child started out UNexpectedly, like 5 years premature....

I can honestly say that if the only way for me to have these three people in my life was to go through all of the marriage and then have it end, sure I'd have regrets, But if God told me "that's the only way" and gave me the option,

I'd do it all over again, in a heartbeat.

Don't underestimate the value and joy and meaning, of being a parent.

[OnMyWay]

Don't underestimate the value and joy and meaning, of being a parent.

25,

I certainly do not underestimate the value, joy, and meaning of my D. She is everything to me. My point was to simply attempt to put a face on my anger. Yes, I'd do it all over again for my D, no doubt about it. My W, on the other hand, I'm not so sure.

[AJM80]

OMW - It's funny, you're saying some of the things my H said to me. I think the pain of losing a marriage brings out a lot of what ifs and you start to think of all the bad things and the could have beens.

Vent for awhile, but I strongly suggest you look to the gifts your marriage brought you that you keep no matter how it ends. And write them down, really look at them. Not just your daughter, but other things. It's true we get too caught up in material things/mortgages, etc. And throwing off some of that stuff now is great - streamline.

I want you to be happy and wish you all the best. I've had my own, why the hell do people ever get married moments and expect more before this is done.

[AJM80]

What are you up to for memorial day? Anything new/exciting planned. I keep thinking I should do something crazy like bungee jumping, but I'll probably just be daring enough to try to put the upstairs a/c's in the windows. I dropped the downstairs one out the window (just missing dropping it into the basement casement window) and I know they wouldnt survive a 2 story drop!

[OnMyWay]

Hey AJM80!

I have nothing planned. WAW & D went up to the mountains for Girl Scout Camp. I've used the time to relax, spend some time with friends, and basically do nothing. It's been wonderful.

Enjoy your weekend!!!

[OnMyWay]

Strange things continue to happen around here.

After all last week's issues and non-issues, I've been getting constant feedback from mutual friends & family. Most people are just trying to stay out of it, which is understandable and preferable. However, most all of them say the same thing: WAW wishes she could have "her husband back" but, also say that she says, "it's too late for that now, there's nothing that can be done."

Weird, because she tells me it's over, we will eventually get a divorce, etc., etc. You know, all that WAS BS.

I received a text from her this morning at 8:30. D got sick at camp and she was bringing her home. The got here around 9. I was up making myself breakfast. We put D to bed. W sat with me showing me photos and videos from camp. She looked exhausted. All this has really aged her noticeably. I said something about going back to bed for more rest. She said she was going to shower. Then, she asked if she could borrow a t-shirt from me, as she had nothing clean to wear.

After her shower, she came out wearing a pair of pajamas she had left here. I was shocked! She looked very sexy and I was under the impression it was on purpose. After D was taken care of, I headed off to bed and she asked if she could sleep with me. Where else was she gonna sleep? Duh?

She got in bed. I reached over and cuddled up to her. She let me, actually backed into me. Then, she did the thing she always does: "I don't want you to get the wrong impression with me being here." WTH? What wrong impression? The one where you dress all hot & sexy? Or the one where you react positively to my "cuddle" advances? Or the one last week with the porch kiss which you so readily participated in, only to rewrite the history of it happening? Or the impression you left by reminding me not to get the wrong impression as you are lying in bed with me right now?

This is all very interesting. It seems as if last week when I backed out, her noticing, it put her in some sort of position where I wasn't paying enough attention to her and that made her made. Sort of put her on the offensive. Am I still getting the wrong impression here? Perhaps it's all in my mind - wishful thinking - but I don't think so. The math just isn't adding up.

What am I missing?

[~ kd ~]

What am I missing?

Unfortunately, the part that your missing is where she comes to you and says, "I want to stay M and make our R better, every day for the rest of our lives" and you both start working towards those ends and becoming the best people you can be, having the best R and M you can have...

[OnMyWay]

LOL, KD. Like that'll ever happen. Talk about wishful thinking!

There's only one way out of this and that's by letting her have whatever it is she thinks she wants at the time she's ready to have it.

[AJM80]

Holy cow! That's some crazy stuff going on. At least you got some good cuddles. Woman's point of view on this...that's tough. I think you can safely say she does care about you, but she's taking care of herself - she wants to be held/have attention and she's not hitting bars, she's coming to you and she's not sure she wants to stay (but at least she is being honest with you about it).

Keep on with the baby steps, don't get hopes up or sucked in (you know backslides happen), and play her like a fish on the line. Let her hook herself good and deep.

I don't remember - was cuddling/non-sexual connection to you an issue for her? It sounds like she was tired, you gave her a safe, positive interaction and comfort, PLUS made her feel listened to and appreciated when she was looking for that. And at that moment she was very attracted to you.

[OnMyWay]

Yeah, but it was all for naught. I got up to run errands and, while I was out, the SMIL called me. She worked me over for a while about our failed marriage and Jesus. She said she was going to call WAW and tell her what a HUGE mistake she was making. I told her that their R wouldn't support that (they have issues) and that it wouldn't really help and she shouldn't do it, but once she has something in her mind, there's no stopping that woman. When I got home, they were on the phone. It wasn't good.

WAW is done and I agree. I hate what we are about to do to our D. I'll never forgive her for it. However, I've got to get off this roller coaster. I can't fight the good fight any longer. I just don't care anymore. She had her counseling today and mentioned they are about to begin setting goals for her. I have one more to add her list: The big D.

She's just not into our R and the only thing I have left it to openly give her what she wants. If she figures it out after the fact, that is her problem.

Of course, this is a bigger issue even, as now we have to sort through an uncontested D in the state of Nevada. It should be easy and straight forward, but she has fought me on EVERYTHING else, there's no reason to thing she won't fight me on this, too. Ball will be in her court as I just want my life back.

I just don't have it in me any more. I love her, no question. I've given it my all for sure. But, I'm 45 and I don't want to set around waiting the rest of my life hoping she'll realize her mistake. I have a life and a future and I want it all - without apology. If she's not interested in meeting me on this and saving the gorgeous beauty we once shared, then it's her loss. I'll just continue to be the best Dad I can be and the rest will be about living my life to the fullest.

I make no apologies. I've done what I can do. Time to put wishful thinking aside. All I have left is to leave it up to her, and I know what that answer will be. As horrible as it sounds, I'll have my freedom and my piece of mind...and that is something I'll cherish forever.