wall, sorry, it looks like it has been a couple of weeks since you've last posted. We all understand how frustrating it is with the moderation system, but remember, you are not talking to a void here, please keep plugging away and soon enough you'll be talking in real time.
It is really hard when the WAS rewrites history to say they've been miserable the whole time. Remember, don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do. It did take a long time to get to this point, so it will take a while to start turning the ship around.
Right now, do things for yourself, GAL and do 180s. That has the two-fold effect of making you a better 'you' and making you more attractive in the WAS' eyes. But remember, they have to be genuine changes and they take a while to become natural. Patience...
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Patience, I am so appreciative for your post. Yes, it has been some time since I posted, I figured my topic had moved way to the end, and my frustration with the delay had pushed me away from here.
Yes, as even she has said, 6 months doesn't mean much to her, but I have to take it day by day and make every day count.
I have had a better couple days, been really trying to be independent, trying to stay busy when at home, and really focusing on our son. Not sure I had mentioned him, "B", but he is 3. I have really been trying to listen and validate her thoughts or complaints, be on her side, and not try to analyze her actions. Just tonight I was really distant by not even looking at her for lengths of time, and I found her trying to interact with me, by asking questions, and commenting when B and I were talking. maybe it was nothing, but it seemed good.
I know i need to GAL, but I do find myself analyzing every little thing, wondering if it is a positive sign. I keep telling myself I can't do that as I am not focusing on myself. I have noticed in the last couple days that she is more down or angry, i almost think because she sees me as being more independent, and thinks I should not be happy. I need to be depressed as well.
The changes I have made, do make me feel better about myself. I need to continue that, but are there any other 180 tips that may help. It seems like I have given the 180 about 3-4 wks, with none or some marginal changes. The book says to change it up if 3 wks go by and no changes. Shall I ask her to do something fun, or will that go against all db techniques?
and maybe never did, I am too controlling, I am jealous, I don't respect her, I don't allow her to speak her mind, I bark at her,.....many things I do wrong, and have done our whole marriage.
Any truth to this?
Only you can say. The stuff that stings as we say here...
You need to look at.
I can relate to a free spirit more than I care to go into and also falling into a parent/child relationship.
That never works. You are husband and wife. Must be that way or at least accept that her choices are hers and not your place to correct her.
Your choice to leave her though. Yours.
First things?
Don't argue. Validate. "I understand your feelings."
And you should really. Not condone them, understand them.
They are hers and she is entitled to them.
What do you feel entitled to right now?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks for your post. wow, very true and helpful..
I would say there are a number of those things that I have done, admit to and have improved. We both have our own strong opinions, and did not compromise well. My past life experiences have made me defensive, and this has been thrown at her. Our dating life started with a hiccup caused by her, so I would say i have been extra jealous. While some of those are my issues, I do feel she has had an overly sensitive viewpoint and is volatile and high strung herself. She does have a parent who had been controlling her whole life, and so I get lumped in there.
I do feel like I can improve myself, but there would have to be some understanding and growth on her part, as well, which I am not sure she would accept. She has said repeatably it is not her fault, and I am the one that needs to change.
So, I guess your comment " what do you feel entitled to right now" makes me think I shouldn't be disrepected as well. Can I move forward if she cannot also change?.....
Short post tonight, but weekend has been rough. I have been struggling, trying to do 180, and GAL. Wife went out last night and stayed at her dads overnight. She came home in the morning and I didn't ask a thing. I stayed busy as I was getting ready to go to a baseball game, myself. I left within 15 minutes. No calls or texts during the day. I came home at night, focused on our son, and stayed busy some more. I think she actually enjoyed it as she got to do her fb time for an hour.
I struggle with this tech as I think this is what she wants, to be on her own, and me out of her hair. Unsure how effective i am, and I seem to struggle with the detach part. Does this sound like good db'ing?
