Piecing my marriage back together again.

[dbmod]

That's a GREAT idea!

[~¤DG¤~]

HerbGarden-

I don't even know what to say to you. I've read this entire thread and while you continue to abuse her.
I read that you are in IC, it sounds to me like you need to go back to anger management. What you are doing to your wife is unacceptable.
She obviously hasn't left yet because you have belittled her down to nothing. She more than likely has no self esteem or self worth. How can you do that to someone you supposedly love?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you really need to quit saying you need to do things and actually start doing them. It doesn't sound like anything has changed from your first post to your last.

I also was verbally abusive to my H. Maybe not to the extent that you are to your W, but maybe even worse, I don't know.
He had finally, finally after about 4 years said he had enough and left.
At first I was angry, then devastated. It made me take a really good look in the mirror at the woman I had become.

Do you know what my H told me? That I had broken him down to the point where he hated himself and no longer wanted to be on this earth.
That is the hardest thing I ever had to hear. I would imagine your wife feels the same way.
You really, really need to stop saying you are going to do things and just start doing them, or you will lose her, and rightfully so.

[25yearsmlc]

Understandably, my wife is realy sensitive to the tone of my voice and how I respond in general.

Newsflash...everyone is sensitive to that. Not unique to your w.

I have a tendency to forget my past outbursts, and my wife is quick to remind me.
B/c they still hurt. And apologies help a lot, but they do not erase the hurt. Esp when the same damn thing happens again. Kind of makes the whole apology simply part of your script. Change, NOW, or live alone the rest of your life.

I'm optimistic that I can get my relationship back on track.

Thanks.

[25yearsmlc]

My wife and I recently returned from a trip. On the way home, my wife said she noticed a young girl smiling at me; news to me, not a clue.

Regardless, she was upset

B/c you have repeatedly given her reasons not to trust you. Who are you to anger at her rational response? I mean, do you have amnesia? This is not about her "holding onto grudges"...(Your self serving comments about how she 'holds onto things", like her PAIN from the wounds YOU inflicted on her, are revealing. And sad...)

and I was not supportive. I became angry at being accused of knowing this person, whom I've never seen before. Rather than staying calm, I became indignant and dismissive. My [u]verbal attack continued through the airport, tainting the entire return journey.[/u]

I've been unfaithful in the past, and issues of distrust are prevelant between my wife and I.
SO SHE WAS NOT UNREASONABLE; YOU WERE...AGAIN...
Does anyone have advice, know of any books or reference material to help me deal with my anger and gaining my wife's trust.

OH, you mean the "secret book" that has the exact right sentence to say, and it will fix all your problems? Sorry but we hid it...

Seriously, YOU know YOU are the problem and you have to change your ways. Your stubborn habits and personality must be overhauled or you'll lose the most important things in your life. DO THE WORK...IT IS SIMPLE...NOT "EASY" BUT NOT COMPLICATED...

I'm aware that the easist way to gain trust would be to stop getting angry; however, if it was that simple, no one would be angry.

YES IT IS THAT SIMPLE...

WE ALL HAD TO DO IT---

Each of us got deeply hurt and betrayed and were RIGHTFULLY ANGRY,

but WE HAD TO LET GO OF OUR ANGER...

B/c anger does not help us get close to others OR to our goal of reconciling.

Anger is UNattractive and UNconstructive.

Anger does not help life.

It hurts marriages. And our anger consumes US....it ruins OUR LIVES....

Staying angry to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes.

Your anger isn't even the normal "semi-justifiable" kind. It's out of control.

This will be fatal to your marriage if you don't get this resolved asap.

Get some help and some meds, or whatever it takes before you ruin more lives and lose her forever...

Any thoughts?

SEE ABOVE...

Here's my questions...As a veteran of the Army JAGC, married to a veteran, now in the Reserves....first let me say that
I don't know people like you, outside of jail. I really don't. Certainly not in my social circles or at work. Your self described tantrums, sound both irrational and like homicidal road rage...WTH?

So, How has your military career survived your inability to control your emotions? How many people have you been insubordinate to?

How many Article 15's for disrespect have you gotten?

Have you been court-martialed yet?

...What's that? Oh, wait a second...You say you DON'T lose your temper at work? What? You DO NOT scream or berate unrelentingly?

You don't humiliate your subordinates

or undermine your superiors?

You don't lose your temper or become "insane" (your words)[u] at work[/u]?
[/b]
[color:#333399]Ohhhh, I get it. You ONLY DO ALL THIS STUFF TO HER....???

YOU CHOOSE TO ANGER EASILY AT HER...WHY? (b/c she'll take it?? B/C subconsciously you hate yourself and project it onto her??

I'm no shrink but you are targetting her for some reason..only now, she is @ the breaking point and her feelings have changed.

She might not get them back. There are no guarantees that she'll feel the same or take you back again- but you still have to change b/c from the sounds of it, you will die alone if you don't...

Whatever you do at work to not "go insane", is what you need to do at home and in life in general.

You actually do know how...I just feel that you just don't really want it...


There are tons of books about this out there. Go find them. Read and implement them. Go to the bookstore or the library or Google it!

Remember then you have to actually follow up and DO WHAT THEY SAY.

I found Marianne Williamson's books on "handling anger" and "Return to Love" really helpful to me, they gave me some peace and some ideas on how to let go of the anger I felt at my h b/c he left us.

But Williamson is new agey for some-so don't use that as an excuse to resist change. Use the parts that apply. If you are going to resist all the suggestions in all these books (b/c they ALL WILL expect you to actually follow the advice) don't bother with this.

Have you gotten and read the divorce busting books?

Calm yourself, ask if what you are about to say or do is going to help your cause or push you farther away.[b]

There are few things I personally find unforgivable in life. Cheating on and then Ditching a pregnant wife is one(well, it's 2 actually), and forcing her to give the baby away--wow-- AND then not finding and recovering that child, are others..

You are MIRACULOUSLY still married to this woman! You've been given more chances than anyone I've read about here. You have been blessed time and again. (

If you want to change your m, YOU have to change. I'd say 90 days more of this, and she might be out of your life...is that enough of a motivation? I mean what's it gonna take? If you won't change now, when would you? Why would you?
[/color]

You may want to Find that child; if your wife agrees...

[HerbGarden]

I definitely need to read more and to educate myself. I've lost all credibility with my wife because I've been venting on her for a long time.

[HerbGarden]

A harsh dose of reality will do me some good; please don't hold back. I've abused my wife for years, and she has put up with it to protect my son and with the hope that I'll change.

I haven't changed; I've gotten worse. I'm just now realizing the damage I've caused and the pain my wife feels.

[HerbGarden]

My wife says it's a race to see if I "get it" or "I don't get it". I guess the latter means she'll be moving on if "I don't get it". At this point, I feel like I'm defintiely losing this race.

My wife says that she wakes up in the morning and doesn't feel like doing anything. It takes all her energy just to get ready for work and run her shop. She's tired of being the only person who chooses her words carefully and the person who provides the advice and resolves the problems.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say; good night.

[HerbGarden]

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, I continue to get angry. I've been to anger management and it was helpful; however, I could never find a "process" that allowed me to check my emotions quickly enough before I "opened mouth and inserted foot". The IC I'm now receiving is helpful and for the time being, I plan to continue with IC.

I do admit to being abusive to my W for many years, and yes, I would say that her self-esteem has been tested. That being said, she is a Queen when it comes to resilience. My W is a rock because she's been dealing with me for over twenty years. Don't get me wrong, I’m not condoning my behavior, I’m simply acknowledging that my W is a force to be reckoned with.

Although my W is strong, I acknowledge that there is only so much a person can handle before they’ve had enough. My wife’s told me that she no longer feels physically close to me and that she is prepared to be on her own rather than live with this abuse.

It’s sobering to realize that your actions have degraded your relationship so severely that your partner no wants to be with you. I admit that I have a great deal of work ahead of me in order to salvage my relationship. I also know that there are no guarantees, that in the end, the damage may be so severe that my W may decide to leave; I don’t like it, but I accept it.

I’ve emulated my Father to a tee. From a young age, I new that I didn’t like the way my Father treated my Mother; I never wanted to be that person; however, I am that person.

Thank you again for responding. More to follow.

[HerbGarden]

25yearsmic

I'm not having any success at giving my W support and reassuring her when she loses faith, and accuses me of doing something I havent done. My W keeps accusing me of cheating with my son's girlfriend. From my perspective, if I try to reassure my wife that I'm not having an affair with my S girlfriend, then, in some way, I'm admitting that beaviour.

[sandi2]

I once knew a man who was M to a good woman. She nearly worshiped the ground he walked on. But the man abused his family. As far as I know, he didn't actually hit them but he was mentally and verbally cruel. When I became acquainted with them at Church, I felt that something wasn't right. His family tried to cover up (especially his W), but when the least thing would set him off...his face would turn beet red. I saw that happen a lot! He had an ego problem too, and didn't like it if a female questioned him.

He admitted that his "Irish tempter" got the best of him... but nationality had nothing to do with it. The truth was...he was a bully. He was a bully b/c his W and children took it. He knew who he could treat badly...and who wouldn't stand for it. (BTW, he just about hated my guts b/c I had his number... and he knew it.) Anyway, after running both of their children away from home...his poor W finally reached her breaking point. He threatened all sorts of things but she somehow found the courage to leave.

She talked to me about how her life with him had been. The man was mean-spirited and kept her so sad and hurt all the time. She tried to make it work but he would do or say anything just to make sure there were no doubts who was in charge! That was important, also. He wanted to be boss.

He later M a red-headed German woman... and boy did the tables turn! Not b/c she's German anymore than him being Irish, but anything can be used for an excuse, right? She would not allow him to treat her the way he treated his first W. She said and did what she wanted-- when she wanted-- and he could like it or lump it. She did all the things his first W would have given her right arm at one time. I've often wondered how many times he has thought about his family he threw away and how he mistreated them. The last time I saw his first W, she looked beautiful and was happy.

You may need professional help, but I'd bet you only use your anger issue as an excuse to bully those who won't stand up to you. You may have been angry at your commanding officer....but I bet you kept it in check! I've been around a lot of people who claimed they couldn't control their anger....but that's not true. It is what you want!

Your are a bully, sir. If you learned from your father how to bully those who were weaker, then find out how to unlearn. It all boils down to how much you REALLY want to do it.

The lack of effort and the far between postings says a lot about your desire to end your anger issues. See a shrink, make a plan. Set some goals. Anger is a choice! You have chosen to abuse the very one who God gave you to cherish! The clock is ticking.