Thanks I am just such a sappy whimp. A truely heart broken whimp. In church today, the pastor said that the holy spirit is an advocate and is all around us in the people I meet and talk to that support us through struggles.So I need to believe what people are saying to me here on the boards, at alanon, at family&freind gatherings, etc... But I am stuggeling with believeing in my self to be able to do these things.
I am learning so much in alanon. No matter how normal my reactions were - I still feel Like I was the one in the wrong for arguing with my H about the amount of time he was at the bars, I feel I was the one that pushed him away with my anger, even he is telling all our friends that I kicked him out -(when really he said he was leaving and I said fine- GO)!
Alanon, suggests making amends to those we harmed. They suggest to love the Alcoholic and to understand with compassion that they are ill. I didnt start going to alanon until it was too late to save my M, and I truely regret not going earlier.
I keep hearing the same advice to let go and to move on, I guess I am going to need a lot of time to really get him out of my heart & mind as currently I know I am stuck. I need to go dark-er, and stop enabeling him.
Yesterday, I set the first real boundary (with texts). Then when we ran into each other on the patio - I am sure that he sensed that I was not very friendly/ talkative, just cordial (mostly silent).I didnt make time for him when he asked me if I had time to talk, and I didnt ask him ANY questions. I also was looking rather good on my way out to a party. So all in all, I feel like I am starting to change the cycle - its just so hard and heart breaking to do it.
I probably heard it 50 times last night, that I deserve better and have a lot going for me, that I am smart, beautiful, kind, patient,and strong with a peppy personality. And that He is a drunk, lost soul that is going to loose every thing good in his life (just like he has already lost most his friends, his wife, his business is struggeling, and he is going to spiral down more). Why cant I just believe that??? TIPPER
