Ok the next is not part of a blame game. Keep in mind that is not what I'm trying to do. I think though based on your experience some good points can be made about your W and WAW's in general.
Your W thinks everyone will abandon her so she beats them to the punch. Not just that but she abandons those in her life that care for her and seeks new people that will enable her.
In your statement you mention that she thought her previous marriage was terrible and that her ex-H abandoned her. Has it occurred to you that she may be telling the OM the same song and dance about you?. Her own issues are ruining yet a second M. Since the story is repeating itself again, I think you know what the outcome could be.
What I'm trying to tell you is to cut yourself some slack. This is her problem not yours, and while you can't change her you can sure set the conditions for her to choose to change.
You are afraid most of us are. That being said I usually tell guys that they ARE in competition with the OM, it's just a different type of competition. OM's give emotional support to WAW's they enable their flight fantasies. They arrive to save the WAW from boredom, abandonment, whatever. This is kinda weird to ask, but go back to the initial affair, what were you providing to her then? Most likely OM is giving her what you used to give her. You need to give this to her again.
I know the tough love is hard, so here is a technique I use. For every episode of tough love give her 2 to 3 episodes of sweet love. Read 5 love languages again. Find how to show her love. Make sure that if you do she can't link it to the episode of tough love. Otherwise she will take it as you admitting that you are wrong.
It is paramount that she realizes that your act of love is just that: Love, and not an attempt to make up for a fight. You need to build a dynamic where she realizes that destructive behavior gets her nowhere, and good behavior gets her love.
