First time caller...

[Telemark]

jbnati, thanks as always for your thoughtful and positive words.

greenblue90, I understand your view of me as a past OM. I am not proud of what I did years ago, and my current sitch reminds me daily of the hurt I inflicted on others during that time. FWIW, my XW remarried a very good man and we all get along well, which has been of great benefit to my kids. About a year ago, my W's XH and I spoke about what had happened and I apologized for my part in the death of their marriage. It brought some closure; he and I get along better than he and my W.

I mention this not as any kind of excuse; only to indicate I am very aware of my past failures.

My W has always had a pretty volatile temper and a low sense of self-esteem, I think partly as a result of the emotional abuse she endured in her first marriage, her feeling of abandonment by everyone she ever trusted and her misplaced sense of guilt over SS's autism; she thinks there was something she did or did not do when he was quite young that may have contributed to that. Of course, that is not true at all, but I have found that is more common than you would expect w/ parents of autistic children.

So she can be extremely fragile and timid one minute, and bat-s**t furious the next. your comment about turning my back to her is spot on, yet I find it difficult to do that, fearing that will only fuel her feelings of "See? You're abandoning me, too."

I know that my reluctance to effectively detach and let her deal with her own issues is done out of a sense of fear, and she is definitely taking advantage of the situation. She is still in the house sleeping in our bedroom, receiving the security of being here and me helping with SS, but not having to pitch in with her part of any marriage responsibilities (for lack of a better word).

I am trying to be the strong loving man and still maintain a sense of self-respect.