He drunk text me at 2am last night and said: "I wanted to know if I could take the dog out for a walk sometime. I would not take her with out your permission. the dog misses me like you know, we all miss!" I was perturbed so I text him back and said: "I would appreciate it if you would not text me after midnight anymore. You can text me tommorow about the dog, thanks".So he text me back again at 5:40am and said: "ok, i am sorry, I understand". Then he text again at 8:50am and said: " I am really sorry tipper, i didnt mean any disrespect. I have been stressed out about the business. And I am wondering if I could come get my drums today becuase we booked a last minute gig".So I text him back, and said:" Thanks for understanding.I will leave the door to the front porch unlocked so you can get your drums today. he said thanks, I said no prob. Then he text me AGAIN today at 2pm and said:I am still a go to guy for you. I want our friendship to last as we move on. we can do the impossible if possible. I am moving on but your my best friend, ok?"I didnt respond.
So my ?'s to anyone out there reading this: - is do you see a bit of jeckel and hyde here? -Should I allow him to walk the dog. (i did allow this in the past and I was friendly to him the last 2 times he left). -Should I continue to do those things that worked towards his return, or should I stop so that he can start to feel a sense of loss of my friendship and seeing the dog. I ask, because, I am starting to see that even though those things worked in him returning to me, he never really worked on getting himself better. I have heard that the WAS (alcoholic)needs to feel a sense of loss before they hit a bottom and wake up. Would it be a risky choice for me to start telling him "NO"? TIPPER
1. rather than responding to a text in the middle of the night couldn't you have left it until the morning. He wants attention, and you are giving it to him.
2. There are no rules about being unfriendly. It is up to you about this, and about the dog. If it helps you fine, if you would rather he didn't, fine. But do it for you, not to either punish him [saying no when actually you don't mind] or trying to get him to return.
3. Ask yourself why saying "No" would be risky. What risks do you mean. Detaching, and real DBing is about doing things for yourself. Tipper's journey, not your h's.
Midlifers [and probably alcoholics[ are Jekyll and Hyde, nice one minute and monster like in their behaviour the next.
What happened to going dark? You didn't last a week.
This is co-dependent behavior.
He's an active alcoholic, has been for YEARS, and that has not changed.
This is just more of the same from both of you...
Come up with different behaviors, & do them for a week. Can you do That?
From where I sit, if you can't do that, there's really very little hope here.
The whole cycle continues until one of you dies.
I don't want to bother choosing which text to reply to, or when, or how... It's all co-dependent behavior. The saddest thing is, you know this.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
if I'm not mistaken, you even posted to someone else in the last 24 hrs, that the "definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting the result to be different," (or words to that effect.)
Yet, here you are, doing exactly that.
Next time, look within and make different choices, please.
YOU KNOW THIS STUFF.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree with the others Tipper. Yes, your H returned, but he really never came back to you as the alcohol had him, and still does, in its grips.
I'm not sure what you mean by it possibly being a risky choice by telling him no. It's more risky by telling him yes and keep enabling him to never face himself.
Truly sweetie, by telling him no and losing him, what have you really lost that wasn't already gone anyway?
Yes, do something different. Your old patterns haven't worked. The only chance you really have is if your H faces himself. To do that he has to reach rock bottom first. By continuing the old patterns you're helping him avoid that.
Thanks all, I agree with most your comments. But, Please understand that I am going dark, not completely black (as some refer to it).
I am only texting him to set up BOUNDARIES!!! I dont sleep much at night so I was actually awake this time he text at 2am. So I text him a BOUNDARY LINE right back at him! I do not respond to the other texts about freindship, divorce, and blah blah blah.
I still need to have certain contacts with him since he left a month ago and he still has left behind ALL HIS PERSONAL BELONINGS (including office, closet, garage, etc)....Its only reasonable to let him get these things at times that are convienent to both of us, RIGHT????
I went to a gathering tonight with all our old group of friends, we call it MAYFEST. It was great. However, So many people there told me that my H was telling the world that I kicked him out. What crap!!! Oh well, I am sure they all know better.
So, before I left, he came to the house to get his drums (as earlier requested). He and I crossed paths on the back patio while I was letting the dog out for a potty break. This was the first time we have seen/talked to each other in about a month.
He said Hi and asked how I was doing and I said fine. He asked if I had some time to chat. I said, not really becuase our friends were picking me up to go out in 5-10 minutes. He asked where I was going with them (his old best friend & his wife), I said- MayFEST. He said to be careful and that he would probably not be going-( I was relieved).
He was petting the dog, and the dog was putting her tail between her legs, and trying to get out of the fence. He kept saying her name "SNOOP, Whats the matter". The dog is afraid of him a bit, (It's so obvious to me and it is so sad).
Anyways, he said he is moving into a house tommorow. I didnt say anything. He still tried to get the dogs attention for another moment while we were both silent.
I feel I am doing what I need to to change old behavior patterns: *I set a boundary (about texting late nights). *I am NOT responding to his unimportant texts or any texts about our M (when last times he left me, I did - over and over) *I agree with 'seeking answers' advice about not allowing him to continue to see the dog, So I will let him say good bye to her but that will be the last time! *I was/will be cordial, not so much friendly like in the past times. Am I missing something here. I feel I am making changes and seeking advise along the way. I am just not the type of person to be a straight up be-otch (if you know what I mean). But I do know that I am trying to stand my ground more and more.
I am in a tough position becuase I am still waiting for him to move his stuff out, and I am still waiting on his much talked about paper work, and I am still waiting to sit and chat with him till I feel the time is right and that I have healed more.
Once these things are done, I do believe the rest of my path will be easier for me. However, I cant control those things to go any faster than time allows. TIPPER
Tipper, I do not believe that saying the same thing over again to you is going to work, neither am I going to offer you a 2 x 4. BUT do you seriously believe that standing up for yourself and asking for reasonable behaviour from this man is being a b*tch? Because if you do my friend you have a lot to learn. I do not see myself as a b*tch, but I have had to be heart breakingly tough with myself and my xh to survive.
If you really want to "help" him and help yourself, stop enabling him and stop telling yourself it is OK to do this, that you are being a 'nice' person. If you don't see this as enabling please discuss it with others at Alanon
This is about you, and learning to stand alone. I agree with the other posters - do you think we are all wrong and that none of us understand?? Sweetie we have all been in your shoes - not necessarily with an alcoholic, but with abusive and destructive behaviour from the person who, prior to this we expected, quite reasonably, to spend the rest of our lives with.
