Telemark It does bug me that you were a former OM but that's because of my sitch. That being said I think you now know how it feels. So I have some words of encouragement.
Your wive's inability to forgive sounds a lot like mine. It is important that you let her know that she can't go through life married to you not forgiving you. Make a point of letting her know you do not appreciate it when she brings up things of the past that should be forgotten. If you are having a fight, and she brings up the past, immediately stop and tell her that bringing up past dirt is no way to fight. That you want to solve the issue and you will once she is ready to talk about the current issues. I'm sorry but bringing up the past is just a way of her fighting dirty, and getting an advantage over you.
Do it often enough, and with enough conviction and you will see the dynamic change between you. Just remember to be calm and loving. She only does this because she thinks it gives her an advantage. Remove the edge and it just becomes self destructive behavior she probably loathed too.
As for OM he is an addiction, remember that at all times you are competing with the fantasy he provides. As for the money to OM many would say that is crossing the line. Is this her money or joint money? If it's joint make sure she understands that the money is for you her and SS. It's ome thing for her to be sure about her emotions she is free to give her feelings to whoever she pleases joint assets are different how would you feel if she gave OM the keys to your car?
I know this is hard to hear but your W has some very strong issues. You need to in a loving way show her that her behavior is unacceptable. It will be hard, and you will need to turn your back to her many times. She needs to feel the sting of your rejection, yet see you as a strong loving man. In other words she needs to value you, and then see how painful it could be to lose you. I am in no way saying to be a jerk, but if she is rude to you walk away and go have a good time. She will be puzzled over how you can be happy while she internally destroys herself.
