I need solid advice about my dilema...please

[25yearsmlc]

Quick recap.....M for 23 years T for 25 years...five girls....She was a stay at home home and I worked my tail off so she could homeschool

This struck me hard. The irony of your wording...See, I've worked outside the home as a professional who got promotions, bonuses, accolades and pats on the back for a job well done. (Which sahm do NOT get) At my outside work, I ate my food when it was still warm, and I was not vomitted upon, or facing non stop demands of oft times unreasonable people-toddlers, for instance.

yes I have also worked full time and had kids, AND I've been a sahm with "only" 3 kids. I never homeschooled b/c of the need I had for a break in the day.

By far the hardest experience for me in terms of unrelenting demands of me, was the sahm role. So When you wrote that you worked your tail off SO she could stay at home AND homeschool FIVE GIRLS".??!!?!?!?!

Um, yeah, I had a major disconnect. Wow...you sure see your marital history in a self-serving way. I know ZERO women who would describe your position, as the harder one... that's not an attack on you, but the bias you have in reviewing things is probably not helping you save your m. Just some food for thought.

..15 years ago I had a short lived A....I swore I would take it to my grave...

The way you describe your cheating here (and later in the thread) minimizes it. It gets2-3 lines. Her A gets far more attention & seems worse in your eyes, b/c she's open about it, and he means more to her than yours did to you. Does that really make sense to you? I see how it would feel more threatening to you, but it's not "more wrong", is it?

Plus-You cheated on her while she was carrying your child ...OUCH!! b/c you didn't think you were getting enough attention...

Um, there's no easy way to say this, but that's just incredibly selfish, immature and unfair. I have a feeling you were not paying more attention to her while she went through the trials and tribulations of yet another pregnancy, and labor/childbirth, and caring for the other small ones at home. Did you buy her gifts and tell her she looked beautiful carrying your babies and thank her for all the work and risk she was doing for the family? Did you compliment her on a job so well done and so important...often?

Unfortunately you seemed to think her condition explained your need for an A, or justified it, but see, to most women that's a factor making the cheating worse, not more understandable but less. You cheated when she was most vulnerable. Just some more food for thought...


Our M was ok but not great.

Meaning?

6 years ago she found out.

Another really fast skim thru...how'd she find out? Was she publicly humiliated?

I packed up and bought her a house in the country and moved her trying to make it work

Since I don't see the connection between her discovery/pain of betrayal, and you buying "her" a house in the country, or "trying to make it work"...

I can only assume you thought a purchase and geographic change = working on the m....?? really? What would SHE say the country house was about? What would SHE say about the A and your way of handling the discovery?


Here is my problem...I give her a pretty good chunk of cash each month for the girls and her...She works a job and her hours fluxuate some.

So she earns money too? (When does she have time?) Does all of her money go into an account only she will use for herself? Or does it go to paying for where she lives and caring for the girls? You have to be more objective when you look at facts. I know it hurts, but it's not helping you save the m to keep seeing things like you are a victim. In her eyes, you are not the "aggrieved party". Remember that.

Ya know, in some places, since she has 5/6 of the family in one place, it's only natural that "She" gets a "pretty good chunk of cash"...


She informed me that her man has to go back across the water to Iraq...here is where I am having a bad time. She took a leave of absence to be with him until he leaves. She told me that I was to support her and the girls because she will not get a check for two more weeks. I am freaking mad that she did this.

Mad that she took the leave? Or mad that she wants some extra money? I read that a few times and I couldn't help but notice that the way you worded it, it's a little unclear. I'm guessing it's hurt/jealousy, which makes sense. Ouch... I get that.

You also said the girls "somehow" took her side. That's not about her or them as much as it is about how you are interacting with them. Since I hear so much anger in your words, I can only assume you are showing it to them. Whether you think you are right or not (and we know you do), ask yourself if you want to be "right" or "happy". Be clear about that. Lose the anger, like I said earlier...it backfires on the lbser.

She wanted to spend time with him and use more than the money I give her becasue of the leave of absence. No from what I gather on here there is a thin line between my girls and her. I know that she will not have any money for food or gas.

She earns money too, so stop talking as if it all comes from you AND she's caring for the girls, which you would never be able to do on your own without spending a fortune if she were not around. Not to mention what you'd pay if they were in private school, which she essentially provided to five girls. I have no idea how she has any energy for work and a R and the girls, but she's managing. She has much higher costs than you, and that is NOT about OM...that's about YOUR DAUGHTERS...

And you "KNOW that she will not have enough money for FOOD"....Um, hello? That's the answer.

You can try to disguise this as cake eating and some "boundary" all you want. But it's punishment from you, and it's NOT attractive and it's NOT fair to your girls.


Do I draw the line and tell her to figure it out or do I just give her more money. Its not like I have it in buckets.

OM has income so you are not subsidizing him. Plus, this is not a life changing amount for you. It's for 2 weeks? Do you really want to fight this battle?

Second thing is that she was crying that he was going to a bad area.

It's inappropriate for her to cry to you about this. Agreed. You don't have to listen. Next time, (if there is one), you can say "As you can imagine w, I'm not comfortable talking to you about him, so I have to get off the phone now."

I have been in law enforcment for 27 years and put a weapon on every night and not one tear was ever shed for me and this hurts me.

You don't know that she never worried about you. I am positive she did and I don't even know her. Don't assume or mind read. It is counter productive.


Is this part of the MLC or WAS syndrome.

Irrelevant. Your approach is the same.

We go days without speaking and only a few texts. It was her birthday today and she told me never to metion her age again or how young her B is..

So don't. Why would you ever bring him up?


.... She did bring up the D the other day and I took a line right off of here. I said W i do not want a D but I can't stop you from getting one. I will not assist you in anyway shape or form. She just hung up on me.

No matter. Your answer was spot on. It might evolve later, but for now, that's it.


Someone on here read somewhere that if she still gets upset than she is not yet done...

Well It means she's not indifferent.


I do want to save this M and become a stronger married couple once again, or even better than before. Any help would be great. Scott

Focus on what you can change in yourself ONLY. And be a little bit braver emotionally (I know you are in your job) about your role in all this.

She didn't snap and go nuts. Your d's are "on her side". They should not have to pick sides but it also means you have more work to do on you, than you seem to realize.
AND
That's GOOD NEWS...here's why.

If I were to go to mc again, like we did 5-6 years ago, most of the mc's said "oh, your h doesn't want to be married...see ya!"....WTH? So there's nothing for ME TO DO? I just have to cope with his determination to leave...?

I would MUCH RATHER BE "THE PROBLEM"...b/c I CAN WORK ON ME!! I am fixable!!

Imagine a person who has been a perfect spouse (IF that even exists) is told that their WAS still wants out, and thats that...well, that stinks.

It means nothing you do will matter. But in your case I feel there's a lot of stuff you can work on. Most people in your profession have "issues" of cynicism and negativity and alcohol and adultery. It can be a real drag to be around people like that. I did criminal law for 3 years and I know the feeling.

When I have time I'll see if you posted elsewhere about that b/c maybe you already identified those issues and are working on them.

I'll also look for your 180's, which I don't recall seeing, and your PMA (Positive mental attitude is sorely lacking still) and GAL.

Til then, When in doubt about a course of action or comment, first ask what your goal is, and then ask if it's going to get you closer to the goal or farther form it.

And look inside too. Ask yourself if you are coming from a place of honor and dignity, or the desire to punish - under the guise of "teaching her the consequences/lesson"...B/c remember, it is NOT YOUR JOB to do that. Life will. It already is.

Good luck, keep posting