I'm lost. need help with WAW

[GAL Man]

I just dont know what is going on in W head. D has just been telling me that W has been asking her if her dad is seeing anyone, and that she thinks I am as I seem really happy lately.

IDK!!!!!!WT*

[25yearsmlc]

it means you're doing things that work.

Don't stop that. Do NOT confuse her belief that you are happy, with something bad for the chances of reconciliation. It's attractive to be happy. It's NOT attractive to be needy (and too available)...

This means your DB approach is working. What's bothering you about this?

[25yearsmlc]

I just began reading your original thread.

It's So long I had to stop reading to quickly comment on a few things. Your first letter to her identified things with HER and her issues that caused the problems and the 2nd letter suggested that you "both" had issues in communicating, but I didn't see a lot about what YOU own as your role in this (maybe not anything in that first letter)....

So now I see some 180s you listed, good. Are there any that deal with how your relate to her?

Why do you keep enabling the break up and moving out?

That's all I have from the first thing you posted. It is long. That's fine. But that's all I have for now.

[GAL Man]

Thanks for checking out my sit 25, and your constructive comments

Responses in red

I just began reading your original thread.

It's So long I had to stop reading to quickly comment on a few things. Your first letter to her identified things with HER and her issues that caused the problems and the 2nd letter suggested that you "both" had issues in communicating, but I didn't see a lot about what YOU own as your role in this (maybe not anything in that first letter)....

Yes, In the first letter I also pointed out where I felt I had gone wrong, I even went further when we had our first indepth discussion (where I basically said we had never had a convo like this before where we talked of the fundemantal issues). W response then was that I was a good guy, she had been a bitch to me and couldn't explain why, just that she felt I talk down to her a times, which my response was well why didn't you tell me when I was doing these things. I am big enough to admit I had/have faults and have told her this. I know now so much more though after reading db/dr a few times

So now I see some 180s you listed, good. Are there any that deal with how your relate to her?

This one is puzzeling me tbh. I have been using LRT for 4 weeks now, but as I have been doing it a while is this now a "more of the same" behaviour? or do I carry on with LRT? Obviously in the M I didn't tell her enough that I loved her, or put a x at the end of a text and so on, do I do this now, but LRT seems to be showing something

Why do you keep enabling the break up and moving out?

IDK, I think it was to do LRT as I hadn't got the books then, in hindsight I should have tried to delay her moving out to do some 180's, but didn't know much about them then. Plus I was also so unhappy with the R that I needed some space I suppose! Plus by giving her the deposit showed I cared for her feelings and appreciated she was not sure about things and needed space?

That's all I have from the first thing you posted. It is long. That's fine. But that's all I have for now.

Thanks again 25

[25yearsmlc]

I Sorry for the first long post but I have tried to condense
it.

BITS

H - 37
W - 38
Together - 16y
Married - 12y
Daughter - 14
Son - 12
Date of WAW - 14/04/11

My Story (WAW)

Things have been getting worse of the last couple of years tbh, and whilst
we did try at things IMHO we only touched on the surface. In the last couple
of months things had got bad for me and I had become very down with the way
W had been treating me, no affection (but were still having S), snappy,
moody and even starting to shout at me in front of friends. I didn't read
the signs.... At a friends BBQ on 10/04/11 she did it again, resulting in
the next few days me being down and moody with W, and this created a circle
where she would be worse. Do you see how You were worse too? I'm just asking, but you admit you both mistreated each other, only you seem to have a reason whereas she doesn't...it's a bit self serving don't you think?

14/04/11 she said that she wasn't happy with R,... I am 99% sure
there is no OP a she doesn't have much time for job, me, home and kids let
alone anyone else

No wonder she "loves" her life. Read your description of her life again...

She then stayed in a hotel for 3 nights as I said I had to be at home
with kids as it was holidays so she needed to spend some time away. I also
did this as it was usually me who stays away, and I wanted her to feel being
in a lonely room without usual home comforts and only your thoughts.

Punitive of you. Never makes you look good and only validates her negative beliefs about you.

I sent her an honest letter on 18/04/11 being completely honest in saying
where I felt things had gone wrong, (her being moody, jealous of 2 of her
friends becoming close and excluding her, clashing with D, all of which I
felt she then took out on me, made me in a bad mood to her creating a
vicious circle) I also pointed out where I felt I had gone wrong.
This is all really about how wrong SHE is and how you were merely reacting to her "wrongness". You are the victim in your letters. That gives her no reason to believe things can get better.

a conversation and she admitted that she had been horrible to
me (a bit*h in her actual words) and said she was so sorry for making me
feel so sad and that she just wanted me to be happy and that she was not the
person to do this. I said to her that all I wanted was to be happy with her,
for us to be happy, and that I felt that I should be the one leaving, not
the one saying lets work at things and that I love her, to her reply of she
didn't want to work at things any more, I'm a nice guy and now realises how
much I love her and how badly she had treated me. (Should have realised I
should have told her I love her more, but didn't). She said that she didn't
know why she had been treating me so badly, only that she felt I talked down
to her.

This ^^ goes back & forth but your comment that you should be the one leaving right after she is apologizing to you for mistreating you...wow, you blew an opportunity to turn things around but rubbed her face in it instead.

A couple of days later we had another open honest conversation,... we cannot make each other happy, and its been getting
worse for some time now, to which she agreed with. I said that when we had
issues in the past but we never ever talked about them as in-depth as we are
now, and if we had done this a couple of years ago and were still in this
position now I would say lets part, but we hadn't and we can make it work. W
said no, we had tried and it was no good. I said you sent me a text only 3
weeks ago telling me how much you loved me, to the reply of "I was putting
issues to the back of my mind..."

This ^^^ all justifies a DIVORCE, not working it out...do you see that now?

she realised how hurt I was

Wife wants to move out and rent... I have cash as I have a CC), but she has
asked me to lend her the money so she can put down 6 months rent in advance
and to take it off any final settlement (i.e equity in property)
Asked her if we were doing the right thing

Why'd you ask her this if you did not think it was the right thing? Why not simply state YOUR CASE FOR THE M?

... I told her I loved her and that I didn't want to
just throw 16y away without trying and exhausting everything first, to which
she again replied that she thought we had and that was it. She knows I love
her deeply and that I want to work at it.
How does she "know" this?

...
Then asked her again not to leave and lets try at this, which I now think
drove her further away and she said no to C, so I said that she needs to
move out ASAP

more anger and punishment from you. Not attractive. Have you heard the phrase, "Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth"?

We have told the kids what is going on as we feel they are old enough to
understand (when I say we, I did ALL of the talking)
Why?

I said that I thought she had changed her fb status, removed rings and
wanted to rent quickly to get out of the situation as fast as possible so
she cannot turn back easily.

What was your goal in saying that?

Friday night I went out with friends and stayed at mates house. Wife was up
late drinking wine and posting on fb, which I think was due to me being out
with single mates... (She hasn't got a clue
about tech or money for that matter as I do everything) So I thought I would
carry it on so she would realise just what little things such as this would
be like,

Wow...and the goal was for you to "teach her a lesson"? My DB coach once told me that "it's not our job to 'teach them a lesson', Life does that."


What I have done.

I have purchased the M3 (Michael Griswold) module and have ordered both db
dv books (and Spanish for dummies as I want to do new things) and combined
that with the help I have read on here.

I believe that there are still feelings there on both sides, which is why I
am going to try my best to save us. She is not eating or sleeping properly
either!

I sent her a message yesterday agreeing to her that we should break up and
that the R we had was broken


Why did you do that? You just said your goal was to work things out...wth?


which neither of us want/wanted. I also said
that things will be difficult at times but we were making the right
decision. ( I did this for acceptance, I don't want her to leave, but I do
know I do not want the R we finished up with, I want a new better one) I did
not want or look for a response as I cannot control this. She sent a text
back saying thanks for being understanding and she wants it to be amicable
for both us and the kids!

So the plan did not work? What did you do differently?

The M3 module has given me some insight into looking at myself first,

YES and in fact, since you are the only one you control, I would eliminate the word "first" in that sentence and end it after the word "looking at myself."

But I am trying to use fb as the M3 system says, as PR.

I'm into DBing and am not familiar with that approach. But I would not mix conflicting approaches, if that is what's happening.

but this Acting is killing me

Many of us should be nominated for Oscars, really. But it does help our situations.

I have confided in my best mate what
I am doing, and he has been brilliant. I have just seen W post on news feed
(didn't go on her wall) saying she had a fab weekend and doesn't want it to
end, I am trying not to look into it but you know! I think she has posted it
for my benefit!

Stop the mind reading...


It's counter productive AND usually keeps the focus on them, instead of YOU and YOUR WORK...

I am not looking at the past in that if I had only done x,y,z then things
could have been different etc, as I believe this is only negative and my
saying to this is, if my auntie had balls then she would be my uncle. Its in
the past, don't dwell on it, but use it in the future.


Then give her the same benefit...no more grievance list, no more keeping score of her "wrongs".



I have now started the NC/LC route, but do I ignore everything or respond to
questions of the kids etc? (I have just responded to her last text, kids are
fine).

Always respond to issues related to the kids.



Part of me says she has chosen this path, she must do it alone, part thinks
to get her out ASAP and help her so she can miss me (but she will be tied to
6 month rental contract then), but other parts say, she has chosen to do
this, it your house (family home) why should I leave and if I do does that
give her more control over the house etc (I pay all of the house bills etc
and always have) worst case scenario.

I know she will want me to set up the TV, internet etc etc when she gets her place but will not be taken down that road.

Yes, the R was pretty crappy in the last few months especially, which I am
honest about, but I love her and do not want to just chuck 16 years away.
I am so confused what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's pretty much my first impression of your situation. Have not caught up with it all, but I hope you look at this and see that there is ANOTHER point of view.

[GAL Man]

Yep, completely appreciate that 25. I have said lately to my friends that I was to occupied in getting w to change and treat me better, I should have done that myself as I can only change me......

By changing me would of made me happier, w and our r. I realised this a couple of weeks after s, and at the time was quite an eye opener for me.

[GAL Man]

I think I need to have a clear thinking day tomorrow, out on the town tonight with friends, so will have a beverage or 2!!

W came over to pick kids up and looked like death warmed up as she had a hangover. W asked if I had stopped using fb, or was it just her. I said I had deleted her as I was moving on with my life and didn't need her in it. to W's reply of "ohh". Had some small chit chat, W asked about my text yesterday which I reitterated, and said my feelings havent changed but I need to move on with my life, I would like her in it but didn't need her to have a life. I think she was a little taken back and just replied she was trying to move on with her life also.

I know, I know (2x4's coming)..... I seem to be all over the place atm, thats why I need a clear thinking day tomorrow (with a hangover LOL) will go back to LRT and dark I feel, back to what seemed to be working when she was asking lots of questions.

Is it strange though that I want to get on with my life with or without her? actually no, I need to practice my username

[25yearsmlc]

yes you are all over the place...too bad you have to show HER that so often

I think I need to have a clear thinking day tomorrow, out on the town tonight with friends, so will have a beverage or 2!!

W came over to pick kids up and looked like death warmed up as she had a hangover. W asked if I had stopped using fb, or was it just her. I said I had deleted her as I was moving on with my life and didn't need her in it.

Really? IDK what to say here. I just hope it's obvious how this would NOT get you closer to your goal. You seem to be saying "good riddance"...you can block a FB person and never tell them.



to W's reply of "ohh". Had some small chit chat, W asked about my text yesterday which I reitterated, and said my feelings havent changed but I need to move on with my life, I would like her in it but didn't need her to have a life. I think she was a little taken back and just replied she was trying to move on with her life also.

I know, I know (2x4's coming)..... I seem to be all over the place atm, thats why I need a clear thinking day tomorrow (with a hangover LOL) will go back to LRT and dark I feel, back to what seemed to be working when she was asking lots of questions.

Is it strange though that I want to get on with my life with or without her? actually no, I need to practice my username

It's not strange that you want to get on with your life with or without her. The strange thing is your need to tell her all this...

and you are someone who seems to want a divorce -based on your comments to her, that is.

I cannot imagine her thinking you'd take her back so she may as well go on and stay away and not try. You have made it clear there's not really a way back for her.

Is that what you wanted?

[GAL Man]

Idk, I have made the road home clear in my text yesterday, I suppose I am trying to let her know I am getting on with my life. Should of been actions, not words.........

need to get clear, I do love her and want her, I suppose I am trying to tell myself to move on.

thanks again 25, I need to go back to what worked and stick to it. As db says though, easier said than done. but will do it now, anyway, time 4 another beer LOL

[25yearsmlc]

Idk, I have made the road home clear in my text yesterday,

NO, sorry but you did not make that clear. I got the opposite out of that, when I read it as if I were her. At best, it's unclear.


I suppose I am trying to let her know I am getting on with my life. Should of been actions, not words.........

yes it should Have been, and done in an upbeat happy way, as if you are NOT GLOATING but simply looking forward to a good life, which has nothing good or bad, to do with her. She's simply not a factor, as opposed to being an obstacle you are trying to get around AND telling her that) It's not to come out of your mouth vis a vis her. Ever. No need. Do you go up to your HS nemesis on the street to tell him you are "over him and don't care AT ALL about the time he hit you"...?
? No, it would look as if the opposite were true and it gives your HS enemy way too much power over your life now. That's what you are doing with your w, and kind of rubbing her face in it while undermining it too. Make sense?

need to get clear, [b]I do love her and want her, I suppose I am trying to tell myself to move on.[/b]

I'm not sure what worked and what didn't. So I'll have to think about that. But if you want to get the ^^^ clear to her, those texts and words didn't.

thanks again 25, I need to go back to what worked and stick to it. As db says though, easier said than done. but will do it now, anyway, time 4 another beer LOL

good luck