I'm lost. need help with WAW

[GAL Man]

Well w didn't show, so clear to me.

I have deleted w from fb, and changed status to its complicated.

I expect 2x4's now, but needed to do this for me.......

[~ kd ~]

Not a 2x4. Just a question.

Why was that important for you?

Do you not wish to see your W's fb posts? Or do you not want her to see yours? Were you trying to make a statement to your W? What would that statement be?

Changing your status? For who's benefit? Could you have simply set your relationship status to nothing, instead?

I understand you feel you did those things for you. What are the consequences? What are your expectations from those actions?

[GAL Man]

Thanks for your comments Kaffe

Responses in red

Not a 2x4. Just a question.

Why was that important for you?
W is big into fb, and this gives me a clear direction with not distractions

Do you not wish to see your W's fb posts? Or do you not want her to see yours? Were you trying to make a statement to your W? What would that statement be?
I dont want her to see mine, or me hers. I have not been going onto her wall, but see them on the news thread. The statement is I am not persuing or trying to work at us anymore as its always me, no more

Changing your status? For who's benefit? Could you have simply set your relationship status to nothing, instead?
It wasnt meant for anything, I have changed the status to nothing now

I understand you feel you did those things for you. What are the consequences? What are your expectations from those actions?
Consequences, maybe a shock to her IDK, but I felt I had to do this for me, I have had such an up and down week, I just wanted to be clear in my own mind if it was something worth spending all my time and thoughts over, or move on.

IDK anymore

[GAL Man]

In DB, moving on is NOT a decision we should be making to finally seek affection from someone else. Moving on IS about just accepting that what we do from this point forward we do for US. That means choosing to have salmon instead of steak, mushrooms in the rice, going to Perkin's instead of Jack-In-The-Box...

THAT is moving on. Because our decisions are no longer based on the "if WAS was with us, we would go or do or watch..."

And so while, even in the early stages, the LBS should be moving on regardless of the reasons. I think that it's paramount that an LBS "gets" the more important aspects of moving on, as early as possible.

Exactly how I feel, thanks again Kaffe

[GAL Man]

I am thinking of sending the following message picked up from on here (thanks to whoever wrote it), then go dark

I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.

You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.

I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family.

I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be.

What are db'er thoughts?

[LearningPatience]

It's a good letter (I gave a copy to my W). The trick is that *you* have to truly believe this in your heart, otherwise it won't come out sincerely.

In my case, I typed it up in January and gave it to W in April. I *knew* in my heart at that point. W liked it but said she didn't believe I meant it.

Here's one suggestion: write it out, then tell yourself to wait until tomorrow to give it to your W. The next day, ask yourself if it can wait until the next day. Repeat until you *know* that today is the day.

Hope this helps.

[any chance?]

G:
It is a good note, but I agree with LP that you should write it, then hold on to it, reread it several times, and be sure the time is right. I gave my W a heartfelt letter telling her I wanted her to be happy, that I would do anything to help her get there, that I would not stand in her way. Told her I would sign the D papers (not that I wanted to in any way, shape or form). I thought it was the thing to do. Gave it to her before I left on a work trip for 2 weeks.

Now I have not heard from her in 5 days. Don't think I am going to. I think I have put an end to our M, and I was trying to be a nice guy.

[InAPickle]

It's a great letter - BUT.

Number one, you have to believe it and mean it.
And number two, your WAS has to be in a frame of mind where s/he can look at it without getting defensive or uncomfortible or cynical or dismissive like "it's too late now pal."

I could not give my WAW a letter like that.

First of all I couldn't believe the words myself if W were to remain in her present fog, so it would be totally conditional and insincere.
And secondly, while she has been determined to be free and in a MLC EA/PA fog, she's nowhere near ready to even hear those words.

Now that's my own sitch, but it's a perspective to think about.

[any chance?]

I agree completely with IAP, and I guess that was my too subtle point. Giving my WAW that letter was a mistake, as I have given her what she wants. She did not hear any of the kind words in the letter, all she heard was "you are free to go". And she is gone.

I am not sure if my WAW is in the fog at this point. Her clarity was pretty firm. No idea what the future holds, but my hopes are fading fast.

[GAL Man]

Thanks for all your response's much appreciated.

I sent her the message via text this afternoon, but before I did I had a long hard think about it, and the main point was right at the beginning (well 2 weeks after) when she was preparing to move out and wanted me to give her the £1200 deposit. I said then that I couldn't make her stay or leave, she needed to do what was right for her, W needed to make her own choice and that I was doing this for her and would give her the deposit.

Also the point of sending it is to say I am giving her time and space to think, take stock and figure things out. I will be getting on with my life, I will not be chasing and that she knows where I am but not indefinitely.