I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting day yesterday. Started the day off working out at health club with church_31. Just keeping contact when I can while this D stuff winds down.

D12 gets home from school in awful mood. D8 is in a good mood and wants to play.

No dice. So they start fighting about stupid stuff. I think things are calmed down and head back to work when after school sitter gets there.

Things deteriorate after I leave and D12 marches off to walk to STBXW's, who is at work and not home anyway. The after school sitter is nice, but the girls no longer respect her and I end up having to leave work.

When I get to STBXW's, D12 is on the phone with STBXW. I get D12 in the car, D8 had followed on her scooter and she scoots home.

When we get to my house, STBXW wants to talk to me. She goes over what she was told and starts telling me I need to punish them and I should do this and do that.

This makes me angry and I snap at her. So she hangs up and I call back because I no longer want things to be left unsaid. Eventually we have a somewhat civil conversation.

Then I head inside, separate them and start talking to them.

My whole goal with them is to not be angry. They see anger from me and STBXW, and they don't know any better.

I think I did really well. I get D8's story and it was typical. She knows she can push D12's buttons and since D12 was in a bad mood anyway she knew it wouldn't be hard.

D8 thinks she's a bad kid. The psychologists said that in the Tuesday meeting. I tell D8 that I realize now that I was just like her growing up. All the acting out, talking too much, not being able to focus, not being able to stop myself from reacting when I get angry.

I did all of that as a kid.

I asked her if I turned out OK. She said yes, I have a lot of friends, I graduated college, and I have a cool job.

I told her she'll figure this out too. She'll be fine. We just have to keep working at it.

Then I headed upstairs. D12 was really, really mad and kept trying to say things that would make me mad. When I didn't get mad, she got madder. Then she finally asked me why I was sitting there calmly?

I told her that every bad thing that ever happened to my mom was because of her temper, every bad thing that happened to my dad was because of his temper, and just about every bad thing that happened to me was because of my temper and my sole goal right now is to live without anger.

D12 was still mad, but she had homework to do so I left.

D8 wanted to talk some more. I told her I get angry when I'm scared of something. I get angry when they say they want to go to STBXW's because I am scared they will lover her "more" and not want to see me anymore.

I told D8 I was wrong to snap at STBXW when she called. The reason I got mad is that I am scared that STBXW is a better parent than I am or that others will say that I'm not a good father.

D8 gave me a big hug and together we decided to call STBXW and apologize. So I did that. We put STBXW on speaker phone and I told her why I got mad and I was sorry. STBXW then said she got mad because she was not in control of the situation and that scares her.

When it was all over, I still had to do some sort of punishment so I said no electronics -- no Wii, DSI, computer or TV -- and we went to the library.

The rest of the night went perfectly. STBXW brought a book over that D8 needed for school. I felt fine -- no resentment from the phone call. That was all gone.

It really was a good, good ending to a long day.

Tonight is D12's sixth grade graduation and I'll do that. Tomorrow is Donuts for Dad with D8. This end of school year stuff is too much.

[ClingingToHope]

Got up and worked out this morning, and I'm looking good. Took a nap, then a shower and went to pick up D8 for Donuts for Dads day.

It hit me in the car -- exactly two weeks from today and the divorce is final.

It's weird, weird, weird and normal at the same time. This has been my life for more than two years now.

I go from happy to sad in seconds. There are lots of time I am eager to know how it feels to actually be single again. But then STBXW will be single as well and I'll find out of motorcycle guy from small town was an OP or just a friend.

Either way -- she'll have no legal ties to me. That's hard.

But then I'll be able to move on without worrying as much about what is appropriate. I hope that helps.

Time already has dulled much of the ache and anxiety. I was lying in bed this morning wondering where I'd be living in 10 years when D8 is getting ready for college.

I remember thinking I'd always be hurting, but some day the M will be a very distant thing. When I was a small child, age 5, I spilled a percolating pot of coffee on my foot -- long story.

I very nearly lost my foot. I had severe third degree burns and growing up when I went swimming I'd always show off my scars.

Today, I can't even tell which foot I burned. I think it was my left foot. There are no more marks.

My IC told me about a year ago that she was married 25 years and now when she sees her ex, it's like seeing an old boyfriend.

I could not imagine that every being the case with STBXW. Today, right now, I'm nowhere near that, but I can see myself eventually getting there.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I can relate to many of your emotions, I feel your pain man. I don't think people that haven't gone through a D can comprehend the emotional devastation and trauma of it.

Your IC is right, in 25 years we'll all be senile enough to not remember STBXs...but it's a long ride there.

[ClingingToHope]

More progress I think.

I have the girls for the weekend. We needed to get something from STBXW. I told D12 to text STBXW and inform we were coming because I didn't want any surprises like last summer.

One day last summer we needed to get swimsuits for the girls on a Saturday. I thought STBXW would be at work and we could just run in and out. No dice. Motorcycle guy -- either an OP or, she says, just a friend -- was parked in my driveway and helping her mow the yard.

The girls saw him and got really mad.

That was a painful day.

Anyway, as D12 was texting I went downstairs to get something and I started asking myself some questions.

Why am I so worried about seeing STBXW with another man?

Because I am afraid she will find happiness with someone else.

Why am I afraid of that?

Because it would mean to me that I was the reason she was unhappy.

Why is that important?

Because I fear that I am unlovable and I won't find anyone else.

I didn't feel angry anymore.

Once that crisis passed I got on with the day. I took the girls to a children's museum then to the ballpark because I had a couple of softball games to play. Then I signed the girls back up for the health club for the summer and D12 worked out while D8 and I headed for a playground.

I seriously tired both of them out. We are all vegging in the living room.

We did finally get over to STBXW's house to pick up some stuff. I didn't feel as anxious when I saw her.

[mishka422]

Those were really good questions to ask yourself CTH. I like the way you reasoned through that.

[kml]

Why am I so worried about seeing STBXW with another man?

Because I am afraid she will find happiness with someone else.

Why am I afraid of that?

Because it would mean to me that I was the reason she was unhappy.

Why is that important?

Because I fear that I am unlovable and I won't find anyone else.

Absolutely freaking brilliant!!!!! You're a genius!

[ClingingToHope]

Trying times with the girls today. All went swimmingly until 3 p.m.

D12 had neighbor friends over swimming. D8 had friends over as well.

At 3 p.m. D12 wanted to go back to the Memorial Day festival for one reason and one reason only -- she wanted to ride rides with a 12-year-old boy from her class.

She really, really, really wanted to go just on the off chance she'd see him.

I was hoping she'd just stay at the pool.

Instead, I let her go to the festival. D8 didn't want to go so D12 talked me into letting her go by herself.

As soon as I dropped her off I had misgivings. Even though she's really tall for her age she shouldn't be there by herself. Plus, she didn't have her phone, so I gave her mine but that meant she couldn't call me. She had to call STBXW if there was a problem.

I went home and got D8 and took her over to her friend's house and headed back to the festival.

I walked around for an hour and couldn't find her. I was freaking, but at 5 p.m. she met me where she was supposed to. Turns out, the boy wasn't there and she got hot and wanted to leave so she called STBXW, who told her to wait for me.

I was really mad at myself. The only reason I allowed her to go is because D12 keeps lobbying for more trust. She says STBXW leaves her alone at home for hours at a time when she's sick.

It's an awful reason. I shouldn't make decisions based on how STBXW handles things. I should make them on what I think is right and I just didn't like STBXW's reasons for wanting to go.

I was upset she called STBXW -- because I fear that STBXW is a better parent than me or handles these situations better.

But I apologized for that and I apologized for putting D12 in harms way.

That was No. 1.

We head back to get D8, who has had a lot of stimulation for the weekend and is tired and cranky.

D8 doesn't want to go and there's "nothing" I can say to make her leave.

The anger was rising up -- and then I remembered that time is not a problem here and I'd be getting angry because I was already mad at myself.

So I sat down in D8's friend's apartment and rode the emotional storm out -- all 30 minutes of it. I did not yell. I did not give in. I did not drag her out. Finally, D12 negotiated some way out. She really wanted McDonalds, even with apples and not fries, but I told her I had spent enough money on the weekend -- that caused a long tirade -- and wasn't going to spend anymore.

So the compromise was she did get the McDonalds with apples, but she had to pay for it. When we got home we took $4 out of her piggy bank.

Lord, being a single parent is a struggle. I don't know why anyone wants to do it willingly.

I don't know if there'll be fallout from D12 with STBXW. She's sunburned and we've been putting Aloe Vera on ever since. I told D12 that I am going to have to disappoint her when she asks to go places on her own when I can't figure out what to do with D8.

She said she understands.

I asked her why she wanted to go so badly to the festival and the truth came out. Four of her friends are "dating" and she's jealous. Lord, she's 12. But I remember that feeling. It felt like everyone in the world had girlfriends before I did. The teenage angst is here in full bloom.

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling.

Call from L's office. Paralegal is preparing the QDRO -- the form to transfer $12,500 from STBXW's pension to me.

She needed a couple of things. I provided them to her. The QDRO may be in place by June 10 -- divorce day.

It again shows we are marching on. Twinge of pain.

Right now, financial and parenting stuff are weighing on me more than anything else. I hope I've saved up enough money to get through the summer in good shape. I think I'm basically going to skip golf this year.

I don't have a pass. I don't play enough to shoot good scores. A person I normally play with is driving me bonkers and it takes the fun out of playing. And I'd rather spend that time working out or walking or ... whatever I can to be around people.

I'll probably get a few rounds in. If it's a Saturday and I have nothing on my plate, I'll go play because it does suck up a day.

I really need to get those running races we normally get. The next one we usually get asked to do is June 11-12. I don't know if I should email the guy doing the scheduling this summer to ask if I should start rounding up guys? That $350 per race is crucial.

Things are just so tight. The side jobs are the only way I get by. I took a couple of hours off today to donate plasma for $20. That balances my two-week budget. I whittled time away by texting a friend in Georgia who sells real estate for a living so she's really having a tough time.

Parenting stuff. I just have to continue to keep things simple -- live without fear and anger. The only time I started to lose it this weekend was because I was angry with myself.

I am hoping to have a really good summer with D12. It's probably the last one where she really wants to be around me. The teen stuff is creeping in quickly though.

I caught myself watching young couples this weekend, especially young ones with babies.

I miss those days. Sure, it was tiring getting up every other hour. STBXW split baby duties with D12. She assumed more with D8 because D8 did breast feed.

Still, I wasn't one of those dads who didn't like to get his hands dirty. Changing diapers, giving baths, I was in for all of it. Funny, STBXW told me in October 2009 that she had misgivings about the marriage six months in. We didn't have D12 until year 3. I remember the months she was pregnant with D12. That may have been our best year. She can rewrite history in her head, but she's not that good of an actress. Those were good days.

I look forward to being a grandfather some day and getting to do it again.

I worry though. D12 keeps showing more signs of becoming like her mother. STBXW is joined at the hip with her mom. STBXW is really all her mom has and she never released her. It never was just STBXW and I.

That worries me big time. There is a lot bigger world out there than our little corner of it and I don't want D12 to miss out on that.

[AJM80]

Good for you, knowing she's revising and rewriting history. Advice to you as a dad - encourage your D to try things, believe in herself, and take chances (and fail). Let her mow the grass, jump off tall things, start fires, fix the car with you.

You're such a guy Donating blood so you can fund your golf habit.

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting night last night. Met with my singles group at church to watch a gospel singer.

When I got home I sent STBXW a text to see if she called the school district to complain about a special education teacher who is not handling D8 well. D8 is a difficult child and she wares down the most patient of people.

But this teacher, you can just tell she doesn't like D8. Every single blowup this year where either STBXW or I had to go to school involved this teacher. She doesn't have the temperment to deal with special needs kids.

Anyway, instead of texting back she called -- on D12's phone. She said hers died, but she responded to my texts. She might have used D12's phone because she knows I answer when D12 calls.

Anyway, she filled me in on what she was planning to do about the special ed teacher and then, before I could hang up, she said her sister is driving her crazy.

I could have begged off the phone, but I decided to listen and she talked for 30 minutes about how her sister is taking advantage of her and her mom and she doesn't know when it's ever going to end.

And I just listened. In the past, if I offered advice or agreed that, yes, her sister is a loser then STBXW would get defensive and say I never supported her.

The girls have told me that STBXW doesn't like her boss. Yet another younger worker who zoomed past her because STBXW doesn't have a degree. This one is a stickler about STBXW's schedule and since I'm not there to cover for her, she is occasionally late because of the girls and has to leave early.

When it was over I got this rush, this hope, that, you know ... seven days from now she may not go through with it.

And then I went for a run to refocus myself. I don't know what will happen in seven days. I don't know what will happen today. I've got enough on my plate that I don't need to worry about what she will do in the future.

Still ... it's hard to let go. I think STBXW will be my cross to bear for the rest of my life. Perhaps not on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis. But I'll likely have to be there for her a few times each year.