Nine: Thanks for your feedback. Yup, times are changing. I am not worried about my daughter not having the same last name as mine. I guess i am more upset that wife is doing this as some sort of retribution. Yup, thanks for that tip on staying calm. Yea i do see my wife go nuts when i am staying calm.
LP: Yup, i did hit myself on the head for not asking my wife to let this convo go through the lawyer. Learnt my lesson. No more direct talks with her on these matters. I cannot seem to handle them well. Thanks for your support.
SC : Thanks so much for dropping by. Yea one of the things i am holding onto here is that daughter is only 3. I'd love for things to get better by the time she is at the questioning age. Yea, i like your idea of the two teachers at both the towns. I'll put it out to wife once we're back to talking again.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Regarding the name change, why don't you two compromise and change your D's last name to #. Easy to say, easy to write.
Truth is, many, many people (waaay too many) get divorced. The kids, stuck in the middle, have to put up with the parents. Regardless of whether your D is 3, 13 or 23. There is NO reason to change her name. Kids live with the last name they were born with ALL the time in divorces. I have never heard that as being traumatizing. If you really want, I'd refer you to a child psychologist to indicate whether it's important for your child's future to have her name changed.
Nuff said on that...
As far as visitation. Hey, I totally get that your family now has 200 miles between you.
Before you start believing your W's suggestion that you are being unreasonable, consider a few things.
A child's development is BEST when they have the MOST amount of time with BOTH parents. Plain and simple.
You and your W are no longer "normally" married. Extra curricular (EC) for your D is no longer a priority above time with her mom and dad.
This is my opinion, but as far as I'm concerned, EC now has to take a back seat to spending time with her parents. So I would say, pull her from all EC until the visitation schedule is worked out. Then and ONLY THEN, can EC be added into her life, where it fits around visits. And EC will be scheduled by your W when D3 is in her care, and scheduled by you when D3 is in your care.
NEVER should your D3's EC take priority over possible visits to you, as you should NEVER plan EC for your D3 if it interferes with your W's time with D3.
If EC takes priority from family, what would that be teaching your D for her future relationships?
Over my dead body!! How is that? Because it is harder to pronounce? BS! Get a tutor to help her pronounce it.
As for scheduled activities:
Is she going to do something EVERY weekend she is supposed to see you?
I doubt it.
KM is right. Activities are important for a child’s development but so is a R with her father and mother. I forget if she is seeing you every other weekend and I am sorry but you know what could work?
How about activities on the day’s you have her set up by you.
Example:
Dance: W’s town on W’s schedule
Music Class: In your town on the days you have her.
This way she has actives but they are just in different locations and you both get to share in the joy of having your D participate in different things.
Wow is she ever being manipulative. I agree with Kaffe. When your D looks back on her life, the extra curricular stuff will be forgotten, but you not being there in her life will be remembered. Take it from someone who has lived it! I was in all kinds activities, but it didn't change the pain I felt as a young man watching his friends doing shots with their Dad on their 21st birthday.
Priorities. She is throwing up all kinds of obstacles for you, but they are really nothing. Just lame excuses and justifications so she can get her way.
It is clear to me that she is used to manipulating you. Now that she is no longer succeeding, it is causing her much frustration and anger.
If she has a single kind bone in her body, eventually she will calm down and learn to accept the new assertive mykarma.
Stay the course bud. Work hard on not being affected by her. When you are only affected by yourself, you will be able to speak to her with kindness, even in the face of anger.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
KD, 2Step, SF : Thanks so much for your valuable input. I really appreciate it.
Yea, i feel very manipulated right now. She knows that i feel very guilty even things that i am not responsible for. Right now she is using it in full swing.
Yea, i dont want my daughter to feel that i was never there for her. I like the idea where she can have some of her activities at my place. That way she can spend time with me and get to do her activities.
I guess wife is not realizing that these are the compromises that need to be made if she wants to have her divorce. She is totally cake eating right now.
BITs i really could not have asked for better friends than you bunch here at these forums. I thank all of you for helping me out during my hour of need !!!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
excuse me but is the reason you won't be able to take d to "extracurricular" activities (none of which will happen for years) is...
b/c SHE TOOK YOUR D 200 MILES AWAY FROM YOU w/o YOUR KNOWLEDGE???...oh, now I remember...
SHE moved ,and SHE should pay for the transportation costs to get d to you too, in my world...
NO way to the name change. The name is hard to pronounce? Mine too. You know why?
B/C OF MY ETHNIC BACKGROUND, WHICH MY CHILDREN SHARE...don't deny your d that gift.
In my opinion you should not dare budge. Refer her to the Ls b/c she is incapable of seeing things objectively. As I recall, you'll win on this anyhow. Your w has the burden of proof to change the name and I don't see it.
She has spent far too much time justifying her actions so she can't see reality. Her L may help with that, maybe not. That's not your problem.
Please tell her to use the L's for the legal issues as it's clear you two cannot work these things out. For instance, she has "forgotten" how D got 200 miles away in the first place, which is the cause of all the logistical problems she now complains of...
Sheesh...where are my crazy pills?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
