I know I'm not ready for that, but I'm not sure I'd have the strength to stop myself if it did happen. I'm turning into my own WAS!
Chicken or egg?
I have thought about that a number of times. I wonder... who left the M first? Her or me? Did I leave it 5 years ago when I gave up (in many ways). Did she leave last spring? Did I leave in November (which I actually did, by physically moving out)?
Sometimes I think there's an obvious blur of who is WAS and who is LBS, at least at certain time, in these situations.
Had a really good weekend with a few personal insights too!
Went to techno festival in Detroit on Saturday with two friends. Same two friends that I went to Asia with (that weren't W and OM:). Lots of people watching, every shade of hair, tattoo, and clothing (or lack thereof) around. Flirted with a couple of ladies, felt great. One friend, later that night, was telling me to L up and take W for half of everything. He wants me to use this shark L he knows. No thanks!
Drove home Sunday to pick up boys. Went to picnic with friends, two of whom are getting married this fall. H to be is getting same ring as I had and is having the reception at the same place as us (almost 5 years to the day later). All of us were able to make a few jokes about my sitch. After a couple of hours, boys and I headed back to Detroit area. Went bowling and dinner at a wings place. Next morning (Monday) went to the zoo, came home and we watched a couple more episodes of Lost (I've got them hooked).
While driving around the city, lots of places reminded me of W for various things. I let the feelings pass through me and tried my best to live in the moment and enjoy my company. Mostly worked.
I also came to a few conclusions. First, I had never really realized how controlling W tried to be (I realized my own control issues a few months ago). Things like the car I bought and drove, the clothes I wear, my hairstyle, etc. I also realized that the fears I had, the fear of starting over, the fear of living in a crappy apartment, less money, etc., well, they came true. Yet, I'm still here! I had the fear of never finding companionship again, yet I realize now that I have a lot I bring to the table. I have lots of good qualities (which my poor self-esteem used to keep me from recognizing) and really would make a pretty decent catch for someone
Now, the trick is to remember these things and build on them.
Day 8 of Darkness continues...
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Sounds like you had a great weekend! Keep that up and you are well on your way!
I have no idea what day I am on regarding dark, anymore. I could probably figure it out. As I told my W, who thinks that I don't want to talk to her (apparently I've made that clear), that my door is always open. I remain dark and continue my GAL. MY life will go on and it will get better. It is up to her to dump her garbage and see that I've not controlled her and I'm just being me and if she wants a piece of this... like before we got M... she's gonna have to step up and move towards.
If she ever does, that's up to her. But if she brings her controlling behaviour back to the table... I won't get caught up in it this time... I have a life to live...
KD, there are a couple of life lessons learned that may be applicable, at least for myself going forward.
First one: after first D, I was looking for R anywhere and everywhere. Had very few dates and got frustrated by the lack of companionship. I eventually gave up and just enjoyed myself for who I was. I had a fulfilling and enjoyable life. Of course, that's when current W came into the picture, just when I least expected it ...
Second lesson/remembrance: a little while after W and I started dating, we were out with friends and she asked one of them if they noticed anything different about me. He said that I didn't seem to be enjoying myself as much and wasn't as much fun. At the time, I shrugged it off, but looking back, that should have been a huge red flag for me. W blamed herself, but in reality it was the two of us and how we interacted. We loved each other, but when she got critical I retreated into a shell which just seemed to make her more critical.
That, in a nutshell, is what would need to change if we were ever to get back together again. I know which half of that equation I can control.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
