About 3 weeks after W dropped the bomb, I wrote a letter to her, but did not give it to her (just want to make sure that is understood). In that letter, I apologized for and recognized those miserable traits I had brought into our M.
It was a very long letter.
The more I wrote, the more I remembered what I had done to my W that was shameful...impatience, anger, mean talk, etc. It ended up being a letter to myself, I think. I look at it often, and try to remind myself to never be that man again.
My W remembers every hurt, every pain, every injustice that was done to her by anyone. She chooses not to forgive, but to wrap herself in her pain and hurt like some bizarre security blanket. It allows her to always keep a safe distance from anyone. Even though I have spent the last 6 years apologizing and trying to atone for my mistakes, they have been brought up again and again as her rationale for wanting to end our M.
I understand this journey should be about self-reflection and improvement, and I accept that. It does not make the total rejection, contempt and disdain from my W any easier to bear, especially with both of us in the same house.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
