Harrier

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Harrier]I want to add that sometimes it's hard to tell yourself NOT to think of something or have negative thought. I think you really have to train yourself.

don't believe me. Okay, Don't think of a white polar bear. [/quote

Harrier, you think I don't know this? Come on, read my signature block. I went through this stuff for years. Yes you do have to train yourself, clearly. I hope my long post demonstrated a possible way of doing just that.

Your identifcation of "pathological" behavior on your part is striking. You have a mc so why not use them at least partly, to address this destructive "pathological" behavior? I feel as if you are doing much of this to yourself but I am not a shrink. I don't know why you'd do this or why you did the MLC thing or how you got yourself out, etc.(or even if you did)

But yes, lots of it is self inflicted and that really IS something you can learn to control...oh, "it's hard"? Come on.... I KNOW!! Like Mother Teresa hard at times.

But You know what's harder? Feeling the way you feel now, for the rest of your life.


The "Plan" I suggested to you, about temporarily "suspending all negativity" and "shelving the anger/obsessing/R talk" for an alloted time period (which she does not have to know about) is not the same as time spent being apart.

Time apart is not a bad idea, necessarily, but to be clear, my suggestion was that you share each other's company WHILE NOT doing the negatives. Basically learning to enjoy your partner's company, just for awhile.

I did not see forgiveness growing up. My parents fought and escalated and then retreated, (until my father was on his death bed, filled with regrets) so I had to learn how to forgive, and it is a process.

But you both have forgiving to do. I also see that she has legitimate trust issues b/c What assurances does she have that you won't do your MLC/WAS thing again? How are you different from then, vis a vis your MLC/WAH? I read your 180s and some of them are great, but you are missing out on some of the ones you probably need to do the most.Just my ho, but You don't sound very happy obviously, so I'd be afraid if I were her. I mean, why can't she wonder if you're likely to leave as soon as your fears of abandonment subside? I guess I don't see All the trust issues as being just yours.

As for the OM, she said she does not want it brought up although she understands the checking? Okay so if that's the case, then snoop but don't get caught? I didn't get that...if you still need to check, can you give yourself a time limit so that at some point in the future you'll know you won't keep torturing yourself? Even if she'd had a full blown affair and thought about leaving you for OM, once you say you are "trying to save the m" you have to let go of this so she doesn't think you'll hold this over her head like the sword of Damacles...will you? Are you going to throw this in her face everytime you feel insecure or needy? She has to know you guys can get past this...a lot of that is up to you.
That's why I suggested a time frame for shelving things. A manageable time frame.