Affair (continued)

[ChrisW]

Thanks Jack, I hope that you and sandi2 and a few others continue to suggest/post. I am sure that I was more than a little rude. Just lots of tension in the air my way. Sorry if I offended anyone.


Better to think yourself an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. -A.Lincoln

Guess I should practice this more, huh.

[knittedscarff]

I'll respectfully bow out of this conversation; however, make no mistake, if you are frustrated by my questions, you might want to consider why because sooner or later - if you and your wife reconcile - you'll need to answer them one way or another.

[ChrisW]

Well she asks I will answer anything she wants. Because I know she has way more class and tact than you.

[Timetotry]

ChrisW,

I don't want to bash you by any means and I do applaud that you want to save your M. I would just want to give you a perspective of a W who was cheated on but did accept H back but unfortunately I am out here now.

I wanted to know everything, which I now know was wrong but I needed that to heal. Many of times I would bring back times to try to understand why H did it to me. Many times over the past 13 years I would feel as if it may be happening again and needed validation/proof that all was ok. We had a wonderful marriage outside of that and no one would have ever expected us to be at a separation point even now.Only a few family members even know what happened then.

I just want to ask you are you ok with the need for validation for many years to come? Seriously, I forgave but never forgot and never will. I didn't want to penalize him and I hated having the need for validation but I did and couldn't hold that feeling it may be happenening again back. It killed my H which is why he says he finally burst since I accused him again and said he couldn' take it anymore. Can you? Will you? Are you prepared to prove to her if it means giving phone history, email passwords, etc forever.

Again, I applaud the desire to fix your M and its worth it if you can. Just please, from an experience perspective, please be sure you can handle the chance of an accusation say even 15 years from now. I don't want anyone to be in the sitch I am in and if I can pass any advice, I'd just want you to be able to answer that question. If you can say yes, and your W may not even need it years from now anyway, that is wonderful.

Best of luck to you both in healing from it. I truly feel for you both.

[ChrisW]

Thanks Time, yes I am more than willing...I even offered them to her and asked her to hold my cell phone. Everytime my text messages go off. I tell her (without prompt) who it is and what they are saying. Now when I am on the laptop I sit so that she can easily see the screen, and tell her hey you should see this or this is what I am looking at. Right now she is pretty angry and rightly so, she could care less about what I am doing. But to answer your question to keep our family together, and get our M back on track I would gladly do it for a 100 years.

[ChrisW]

I am just so lost. Confused, and sad. I know I broke her heart I want to prove to her that I am better than that and our M is worth saving. She refuses counseling, so I go alone. She barely speaks to me, wont make eye contact and wont sit in the same room. Heavens for bid if I brush against when we cross in the hall way. Like I am poison. I know this is not a sprint race to the finish, but we are never going anywhere if she wont take the first step.

[LearningPatience]

You need to remember that she'll take that first step (if she decides to) on *her* schedule, not yours.

[ChrisW]

I know .....just upset at myself reading to much into her statements. I know better than that. I got sucked in thinking we were on the mend.

[awest1217]

You may be on the mend, but she will have good days and bad days. She will have days where she feels she can forgive and others where it all feels so fresh. It is going to take time. A month hasn't even past since she found out.

TIME! Just be consistent and keep showing her you want to be in this, but right now she needs time to take care of her and figure out her emotions. It is still awesome that she hasn't kicked you out or left herself. She is waiting.

I know with me, I didn't want to go to counseling right away or at all. It wasn't until friends said that I need someone objective to talk to that I really decided I should see a counselor and that is when I got the help I needed, but that was 5 months later.

Time

[ChrisW]

Awest, I appreciate the advice. I also think it awesome that she hasnt kicked me out. I have offered to leave because I dont want to make her uncomfortable, but I think she knows I would be homeless basically if I left. Not many friends left anymore. Living in my car with all the tornados we have had here in Indiana doesnt sound all that appealing either. I keep telling myself that this is a marathon not a sprint. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. But just typing it all here seems to help,even if it does not make sense most of the time.