I'm lost. need help with WAW

[greenblue90]

Funny how WAW's are. She doesn't want to lose you, she wants to leave you. If she leaves she's the strong one, you're the one not worthy of her. If you leave her, she's the inadequate one. That's why she is so desperate to confirm if there is someone else.

Have you considered "safe" GAL activities like dance classes, where she can see pictures of you "near" other women? Maybe post pics of an office party where you happen to be standing next to an attractive coworker? Have you added female friends to your fb? I stress you don't have to pursue these women, or use them, just highlight your proximity and let her make all the assumptions. When she asks just tell her the truth like you have in the past, and tell her that nothing is going on. Tell her you're not ready yet. Watch her puzzle over why you are not ready, despite being near available good looking women.

Your w is probably still hurting over OM's rejection, part of her fantasy just crumbled, and now she may be feeling like you (her fallback plan) may find someone else. I wouldnt be surprised if she starts chasing after you.

Good luck

[GAL Man]

Update

W came round to pick kids up on Wed eve, asked to have a cig with me, I said I didn't have long as was going out.

Brief chat, W asked how I was etc, and said are you sure your OK, which I said I was really well.

Anyway, I said to her I was going to Starbucks on Fri eve as usual and said I thought you might like to come. I said it this way specifically, as not to "ask" her. W seemed quite surprised and asked why, I just repeated, I just thought you might like to come that was all. W seemed, well IDK pleased?

When she was leaving she said she was away for work on Fri but would try and get back and what time would I be there, to which I said between 6 and 6.30, W said she would text me.

10 min after she left I got a text asking what I wanted to talk about on Fri, which I didn't reply to, then she tried calling me and left me a message saying that she was confused as to why I wanted to meet up and what did I want to talk about, W said nothing else, i.e. that she didn't want to come, it was over or her feelings hadnt changed etc.

I sent her a text the next day saying this, "as u know I have been doing to Starbuck quite a bit and have planned to go next on Fri and thought u might like to come, that was all. I didn't ask you to come, if u feel it inapropriate or dont want to then dont come. u either want to come or u dont want to come, simple....I will be there anyhow". I have not had a reply to this, and actually looking at it now it seems quite an assertive message!

I have done this as I want to know where the land lies so to speak. The signs I have been reading are this (but could be wrong, dont know what is going on in her head)

1) D has said they have been fighting alot, and W is always moody
2) She is now drinking wine each night (to help sleep?)
3) 3rd degre questioning if I am seeing someone
4) W thinking I had sent her a letter from solicitor/laywer
5) Email, text and call, where I feel she was waiting for me to say something else
6) Worrying what I want to see her about on Fri

The only negative was a recent post on fb (after wed eve) saying she was happy and content with life, but is this just her defenses coming up!

My plan was just to catch up, but should I say that I still think we can work at things? that would be all I say about the R. I am now also planning to say that I had become someone I didnt like and now I know who I really am.

It does frustrates me that W is so stubborn and proud plus she never shows her emotions. She has to wait to see where I am first before she comits herself, she has always been like this!!!!

If she doesnt turn up, or says nothing has changed I will be dropping the rope big time, plus I will delete her off fb. I need to do this for me. I have detatched to a degree with the understanding that I love my W, but she is responsible for her own journey, I need to concentrate on mine, and by doing this it will help ME.

[GAL Man]

The GB for checking in

I read to the end of your thread last night, just do what works for you. You have been db to a small extent

[GAL Man]

Thanks GB that was

[LearningPatience]

The only negative was a recent post on fb (after wed eve) saying she was happy and content with life, but is this just her defenses coming up!

I'm not sure why this would be a negative. Whether she's truly happy or not, wouldn't you want her to be content?

My plan was just to catch up, but should I say that I still think we can work at things? that would be all I say about the R. I am now also planning to say that I had become someone I didnt like and now I know who I really am.

I think this might be my first 2x4 Don't do it! Catching up is great, it keeps the road home smooth. Talking about your changes or bringing up R in any way, shape or form, no no no! Actions, not words.

If she doesnt turn up, or says nothing has changed I will be dropping the rope big time, plus I will delete her off fb. I need to do this for me. I have detatched to a degree with the understanding that I love my W, but she is responsible for her own journey, I need to concentrate on mine, and by doing this it will help ME.

Is this your frustration talking or where you truly are on this journey? BTW, it's great that you recognize you each have your own paths to follow, but I'm not certain you have the detachment down yet.

Just have a relaxed, casual time tonight. No pressure, no expectations and again NO R talk.

[GAL Man]

Thanks for your comments LP, much appreciated

Some responses in red

The only negative was a recent post on fb (after wed eve) saying she was happy and content with life, but is this just her defenses coming up!

I'm not sure why this would be a negative. Whether she's truly happy or not, wouldn't you want her to be content?
I dont have an answer for that, I suppose so

My plan was just to catch up, but should I say that I still think we can work at things? that would be all I say about the R. I am now also planning to say that I had become someone I didnt like and now I know who I really am.

I think this might be my first 2x4 Don't do it! Catching up is great, it keeps the road home smooth. Talking about your changes or bringing up R in any way, shape or form, no no no! Actions, not words.

I think this is for me, I want to know I suppose that do I now move on with my life or see if there is something there to work at. I wont bring up that I have changed back to the "true" me. The problem I have is as I posted, she is so stubburn and proud she will not show her emotions or her position untill I have, this has always been the case in these situations

If she doesnt turn up, or says nothing has changed I will be dropping the rope big time, plus I will delete her off fb. I need to do this for me. I have detatched to a degree with the understanding that I love my W, but she is responsible for her own journey, I need to concentrate on mine, and by doing this it will help ME.

Is this your frustration talking or where you truly are on this journey? BTW, it's great that you recognize you each have your own paths to follow, but I'm not certain you have the detachment down yet.

I know I dont have the detatchment "done" yet, but I feel I have come on a bit since this all started, and I really feel that if I dont see any sign I need to "drop the rope" and delete her from fb. I need to do this for ME, I have had so many ups and downs this week trying to think of the best way of approaching things, what do you think about deleting her from fb?

Just have a relaxed, casual time tonight. No pressure, no expectations and again NO R talk.

Thanks again LP

[LearningPatience]

OK, had a chance to reread your postings. Though you and your W have been having R issues for a while, this breakdown has only been going on for a couple of months. I think what's needed here is patience, which I understand is *very* hard. I also think that it's probably too soon for LRT and going dark. They may be counterproductive this soon into your journey.

As far as FB goes, I agree w/ you that it can be a good PR tool. But... don't let it devolve into a pi**ing match. You're posting positive things to let the world know how swell things are. What others post should be of no concern to you. Remember, once it's in print, it can't be unsaid or unseen.

That said, ask yourself what deleting W from FB would accomplish. Would it move you towards or away from your goals?

It's a marathon, not a sprint. Get a strong pair of shoes on

[GAL Man]

Thanks LP

Looking at my notes and timeline I have basically been doing the LRT for the last 4 weeks (with a couple of backslides), I havent discussed the R or M over this time either!. So maybe this is now a "more of the same" behaviour, thus need to look at 180's in regard to this.

Deleting W off fb was if she was sure there was no us anymore, then I do this, go dark and even move on.........

[LearningPatience]

I think it takes a long time to be *really* sure. I left my married status the same until this last Monday, even with everything between her and OM going on and all of our friends knowing. Partly due to appearances, partly due to hope and partly because I wanted to keep the road home smooth. That's about 10-12 months, depending on where you want to count our problems from starting.

[~ kd ~]

I was reminded by the posts above that I believe many LBSs do the "wait" thing for reasons OTHER than getting on with their lives.

I have a sneaky suspicion that when we LBSers say we're ready to "move on", it might be more an indicator that we are ready to start looking for someone new in our lives.

Whether that is accurate or not, here's the point.

In DB, moving on is NOT a decision we should be making to finally seek affection from someone else. Moving on IS about just accepting that what we do from this point forward we do for US. That means choosing to have salmon instead of steak, mushrooms in the rice, going to Perkin's instead of Jack-In-The-Box...

THAT is moving on. Because our decisions are no longer based on the "if WAS was with us, we would go or do or watch..."

And so while, even in the early stages, the LBS should be moving on regardless of the reasons. I think that it's paramount that an LBS "gets" the more important aspects of moving on, as early as possible.