David, it seems to me that you have been getting a few 2 x 4s. I am not in any position to give you those, because my marriage is over, and I am nearly 6years into this Mid Life madness, but I have no desire for another relationship. In fact I challenge the view that we need to be in a relationship to be happy. I don't know if you find helpful an edited version of what I posted elsewhere.
The idea that we can somehow fix our spouse, or even help them much is a sign that all is not well with us.
We can get the idea that to focus on us is selfish, whereas in reality all we can focus on is ourselves. This doesn't mean we cannot care for or do things for others. But we actually are more effective at dealing with others when we ourselves are well and strong.
We lose a sense of self at some point in all of this, and those that remain stuck, in general, are those who do not regain this sense of self. They remain focused on getting their marriage back instead of getting themselves back. If they simply get their marriage back it will almost certainly not work because they slip back into co-dependent enabling behaviour, and the WAS will not grow, but slide back into co-dependency.
It is a God given opportunity to grow and prosper, although it doesn't seem like that for a very long time.
We feel as if our happiness is tied up with this other person. It isn't, it just feels that way. When we learn to be truly happy alone, then we will have a chance at a good relationship, which paradoxically we will 'want' much less because we are healthy and whole n ourselves.
If I were to give you advice it would be to focus on getting back your sense of self, of who you are. If you don't and your wife does fully come back I think there is a real risk that you could slide back into co-dependency. So I would advocate some time apart for you both to heal, if that is possible.
We all walk different paths, and there is no one right way out of this MLC maze, but a lot of blind alleys and dead ends!
