7 Years in. Time to give up ?

[25yearsmlc]

fwiw, this is the first time in my 5 years here, that I've said something like this.

But it's also the first time I've seen someone here this long who's marriage ended long ago,
and whose former spouse married someone else.

AND she is NOT interested in reconciling with him.

So, If it's not over in this situation, when is it? Are we helping him by pretending he should put his energy into this r? I don't think so.

Maybe a moderator can step in or he can hire a DB coach.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I have green on my name, but that just means I help other cross the street and try to get people to play all nicey nice.

I hestitated posting here simply because I'm not sure this is DB healthy.

Your sheltering your X wfie from another failing marriage? While she is engaging in an affair?

What is your hope here David?

I see more of a pattern in your X wife to be concerned with than a failing relationship that can be fixed.

I worry about a whole lots of issues iwth her and you David, but I don't know you.

What are you hoping for here?

And for honesty's sake, are you getting anything beneficial out of supplying her with a place to hide from her marriage?

[ericmsant2]

I would agree that once a divorce was finalized and the X has married someone else that IMHO, it is time to move on. That said, I do not believe that any of us are in a position to tell someone what and how they should choose to live their life.

From my perspective, we should try and help the person come to that conclusion on their own. FTR, i am not disagreeing with you 25.

Eric

[25yearsmlc]

I hear you Eric. Thing is, I have reservations about DBing for some people and cases and after some amount of time, (can't define it)

I have to wonder if we're enabling people to not face reality, and stay stuck in a crazy or unhealthy situation, or if we're just retaining hope like good DBers.

There's a fine line in there somewhere and we have to walk it carefully.

in this situation, given the "givens" and his son's comments which touched me, ( God knows what that kid has been feeling) and the woman's apparent attitude, I just feel that although obviously I'm not God and I don't have a crystal ball, if this case doesn't cry out for a new direction, what does?

Plus, I've had a couple deaths in our family over the past 2 years and so, I remind myself and others that indeed, [b]Life Is Short.
[/b]
(SIGH)

[Starsky309]

I would agree that once a divorce was finalized and the X has married someone else that IMHO, it is time to move on. That said, I do not believe that any of us are in a position to tell someone what and how they should choose to live their life.

It's a relationship message board. They come here asking for advice; we give it, based on what they tell us their situation is and what we think would be best for them. It's up to the person posting to either accept or reject the advice.

Starsky

[DavidA]

Hi Folks,
I have been reading the posts and it seems the general opinion is against this sites motto of db'ing and sticking it out to piece back together a 22 year failed marriage.

As far as her current marriage goes, I don't even recognize it other than the fact it presents legal implications. We were married in a catholic church and our divorce was only civil and not religious. Matter of opinion and beliefs. As far as i am concerned divorce is only a piece of paper and doesn't reflect what is truly in ones heart. She never really truly divorced me in her heart and I know that for a fact.

Maybe I travel in the wrong circles but the women I meet are in much of the same or worse state emotionally.

She told my son today that she was here for the long haul and she wasn't just fixing up things and planting a garden to up and sell the place and leave.

I really don't know what to believe anymore. Maybe I'm being gas lighted and I'm not smart enough to figure it out.

It doesn't seem possible for her to have time for another relationship outside of house work and her job but the the cell phone thing really has me paranoid.

Maybe she really was traumatized by the treatment of her husband and it going to take time before she can be comfortable with a man again.

There are just so many variables that it truly has me confused as to what is really in her heart.

I am going to stick it out a while longer and see what happens when it comes time for her to file for divorce and see what happens. I have nothing to loose but another 6 months of my life. Compared to what I have already bee through I guess it's not a big investment.

DavidA

[braveheart]

David, sorry, but you need help as much as she does.

[Starsky309]

So, seven years in… Do I cut my losses or stick it out till she decides to get help and turn herself around?
DavidA

So David, why did you ask, if your mind was already made up anyway? Why are you here?


Starsky

[Truegritter]

David

No one here is going to definitively tell you what to do.

Nor should they.

You have been here before?

So what advice are you seeking?

Is it healthy for you to let your xw back into your life?

AT THIS POINT OR EVER?

How much pain do you suffer from this relationship?

Now and from the past?

How is it different now that you would let that pain back in?

waiting and commitment is a personal choice.

The only question is our own endurance for pain. Yes pain. Because you can stand without pain.

There are people who stand for long periods of time for their own reasons.

NOT

Waiting for others to do or not do something.

There is a difference.

That difference is the pain and sacrifice they are willing to endure until it is gone.

No one

NO ONE.

Can endure long periods of pain for the sake of another.

You are Catholic?

Me too.

Did Jesus stay on the cross for 7 years?

Sorry if you feel that blasphemous... but he did not. He stood much pain for what he believed and for US whom he loved, if you believe.

The best thing YOU can do for your W and your children is show them a strong man.

One who believes.

In himself.

[beatrice]

David, it seems to me that you have been getting a few 2 x 4s. I am not in any position to give you those, because my marriage is over, and I am nearly 6years into this Mid Life madness, but I have no desire for another relationship. In fact I challenge the view that we need to be in a relationship to be happy. I don't know if you find helpful an edited version of what I posted elsewhere.


The idea that we can somehow fix our spouse, or even help them much is a sign that all is not well with us.

We can get the idea that to focus on us is selfish, whereas in reality all we can focus on is ourselves. This doesn't mean we cannot care for or do things for others. But we actually are more effective at dealing with others when we ourselves are well and strong.

We lose a sense of self at some point in all of this, and those that remain stuck, in general, are those who do not regain this sense of self. They remain focused on getting their marriage back instead of getting themselves back. If they simply get their marriage back it will almost certainly not work because they slip back into co-dependent enabling behaviour, and the WAS will not grow, but slide back into co-dependency.

It is a God given opportunity to grow and prosper, although it doesn't seem like that for a very long time.

We feel as if our happiness is tied up with this other person. It isn't, it just feels that way. When we learn to be truly happy alone, then we will have a chance at a good relationship, which paradoxically we will 'want' much less because we are healthy and whole n ourselves.

If I were to give you advice it would be to focus on getting back your sense of self, of who you are. If you don't and your wife does fully come back I think there is a real risk that you could slide back into co-dependency. So I would advocate some time apart for you both to heal, if that is possible.

We all walk different paths, and there is no one right way out of this MLC maze, but a lot of blind alleys and dead ends!