I know! That was before I was on the "Standing Committee" : )
Don't we say a lot of stupid stuff sometimes......
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I've been following a lot of your story and it sounds very familiar. It's funny I think I suffer from some of the same issue that you do.
A quick synopsis of my tale (in case you don't want the dirty details). Married 12 years, together fro 18. 2 kids. both under 5.
Last year was h3ll for us. I was a depressed crazy mess and I was certain my wife was cheating in some way. I made her life h3ll with accusations and actions. Finally, I got some help in the form of meds (August) and therapy (Oct). But it was too late. By late August my W started an EA with a co-worker. By early November it was progressing. I found out the dirty details and confronted my wife. she wanted out.
I gave her space and we slept in separate rooms. By late Nov. she took divorce off the table. By Dec we were in MC and we had fits and starts until late March. Our MC "fired" us and things looked good. But life got in the way again and my old issue resurface. frankly, my W is tired.
the last straw was last Sat. when I saw my W txt OM at 8 am on a Saturday morning. That night, I was trying to sneak a peek at her phone to see what the text was about and she caught me.
the next day big talk and somehow my big mouth progressed us to the point where W wants a trial separation. I shake my head. I mean when we started the convo my W wasn't sure she even wanted that.
Anywho we have talk on tap for tomorrow to sort out some of the details of the separation. Frankly, I am freaked out.
Okay enough about me.
I have some of the same issues as you - trusting my spouse, the anger, not snooping and worried about getting that spark back. I do love my W.
I've been reading 25s advice too. great stuff.
I admire that you told your H that it's stay married or divorce. No time for separation. My W is certain, certain, certain that a temp "healing" separation is the way to go. She calls it our "last ditch" effort. But my W is committed to the marriage (funny committed to the marriage, just not committed to sleeping in the same house). She is hopeful, but acknowledge there are no guarantees.
I want to say what you said, but I fear she'd say okay. Divorce it is. I know we can't let fear run our lives, but it's tough.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I have been impressed by the amount of introspection you've been doing, by the way you've been challenging the way things were and determining to change them. Keep on digging--this is liberating stuff. At the same time, be gentle with yourself. If you were harsh or unappreciative or selfish in the past, that was the best you were able to do THEN, so don't blame yourself for not living up to the standards you are now beginning to set. Gently acknowledge that you would no longer make the same choices, forgive yourself, and carry on in the new manner. I found this to be enormously helpful in learning to love myself better, and in learning to understand and forgive my H as well.
Other than that, keep rereading 25's posts--there's gold in them. Words certainly never get in the way for her!!
how are you doing these days? Any new 180s or GAL?
keep on keeping on
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
In fact I did learn a few more things about myself, and life in general, over the past few days.
I have been so busy though with family and work so I took a little breather. I have been reading though about other peoples sitches as well. I see your input in many of them , and am amazed at your wisdom and insight. Denver, Harrier.... we are so blessed to have your input.
I am composing my next update.
Everythings is going well at this point. I am facing a challenge though, in around a weeks time, and I am preparing myself for it.
Later, I will have it ready. Promise!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
My journey is going a lot more smoothly now. Sometimes, I feel like just going on cruise control, opening up the sunroof, and leaning back to enjoy the sunshine. And I did allow myself a couple of days this weekend to do just that! But I should be really careful, I have to keep my eyes on the road for bumps, I don’t know the road that much yet although my map (made by people like 25 and Cyrena) is pretty good!
Mostly, I have been following the “each day is a new beginning” motto. I am training myself not to feel anger or resentment. I sometimes even look at OW’s picture, or at whatever reminders I have of their EA, and you know what? I don’t feel sad or angry anymore!
I did learn a few things the past few days.
One of them was a major eye opener from my very own D12.
Remember when sometime ago I posted that she said I was selfish? Well, I thought I figured out what she meant, but apparently, I was off. I told her about my doing things I considered “selfless” which actually made me happy which thus meant I was still being selfish (like charity work, teaching, blahblah) and she said “Mom, you just don’t get it”.
So I asked her, and she said no, she could not tell me, and I got irritated. She kept on telling me I had to think deeper, dig deeper. Finally, after a series of Q and A’s, she gave me a clue: “Mom, whenever I tell you something, or Dad tells you something, you always have an answer.”
I drove off, thinking about her statement, when suddenly it dawned on me. That is why she couldn’t tell me… of course I would have an answer, and defend myself! Although I don’t always think I am right, although I do admit my weakness, my wrong doing, I still always have an answer. When it is about memories, I have my own to share. When its funny stories, I have one too.
I am an “I” person. Its all about me. I am self centered.
My mom used to tell me that before…. That mediocre people always talk about themselves. People who are shallow, who have nothing to offer. People who think they know everything. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, as they say.
OMG. I looked at myself in horror, and realization. Am I really like that?
Truly, many people have often told me that I am intelligent. Beautiful. I had the capacity, the potential for success. But that made me lazy. I was, and am able to get along by the seat of my pants. Or by charm and wit and nice words. I did not dig deeper than needed for me to get by. I made it through med school without really studying hard. I have been skimming through life, producing “good” work, but not my best. Once in a while, I would make the effort, and this would usually result in a stellar piece of work.
I am now nearing 50…. Relatively successful, but never made it to the peak. Outwardly confident, but inside me, still insecure, especially if I had to be the “expert”. I am a jack of all trades, but a master of none. Is it too late to change?
Okay, this is all “I” talk, but I need to do this to face myself.
To understand how important this is to both H and D, you have to know their personalities.
Both of them are perfectionists. I remember once, during the start of the sitch, I asked H what happened. And he once said “I am a perfectionist and I want things to be perfect”. Of course he knows it can never be, but this is just to show you what he desires.
Both H and D get obsessed. If they have anything they are interested in (wine, food for H, and when D was younger, it was dinosaurs and pokemon, now its dogs) they would read endlessly, memorize, buy magazines, know the topic inside out. When H has a project at work he knows it from end to end, top to bottom. When D has a report or project, she will not stop until it is perfect. You will not be surprised to know she has never had a grade in any subject that is less than an A.
Looking at his situation, I almost think that it is a mountain too high to scale.
But I just can’t do nothing.
And so, just like everything else, I guess I have to start with baby steps.
And for me, this is my first step: Lessen the use of “I”. Both aloud and in my thoughts. And when I stop the world from revolving around me, then I will have time to really and truly contribute to it, and to the people who matter to me.
But first of all….I will go down on my knees and thank God that I am being given this chance to look into myself and see myself through the eyes of people who love me…and am I thankful for the gift of a discerning 12 year old who is wise beyond her years…..
TO BE CONTINUED…..
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Over the memorial day weekend we visited relatives again. W had so much fun - went clubbing with the SILS, BILS and CILS, was able to get H to dance with me.
We ate out several times, and he was always attentive, he took care of me, cracked crabs for me, and there was a lot of talk about the future, as mentioned to relatives. Things like "we will vsit next year", "we will have the house fixed", and lastly "we will retire in a vineyard..."
I just did not talk, or even think, about anything negative. No OW thoughts, no snooping, no money questions, no shows of mistrust. We had fun. We are getting comfortable. We even ML once again.
I keep on thinking of forgiveness.I kept on praying that I would know what to say, that I could keep my cheerful mood.
I see that I am geting good at putting the past away. I am working on dealing with the present and the future.
I a getting better at controlling myself. Especially since....
I have a challenge soon to come, and I have to make sure I handle it well. The second weekend from now, I will be out of the country, and H will be left here with D. He has a talk coming up in OW's city! He arranged this a couple of months back.
Of course I am worried. All kinds of thoughts are entering my mind. He said he is bringing D with him which would be a good thing, as he is not going to do any crazy stuff with D around, but again, I should trust God and him that even without D around nothing bad will happen. And again, I trust that whatever will happen is part of the situation. I have to let go.
I am not going to ask about anything - plans, etc.Not even about what he is planning for D. I know he will take care of her. I need strength to stick to my plans.
I have a feeling he is testing me, watching what I will do.
25, Cyrena, ever had a situation in your sitch like mine?
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
My h lived 300 miles away for his fellowship and then 3000 miles away in the "Last Frontier" so if h wanted an OW, he could have. For two years.
I had no control and therefore I just put it out of my mind...Don't forget, the shoe could be on the other foot. I mean who's to say WE
could not find OM? We could if we were so inclined. And we're not.
Why would your h be?
Trust God and leave the results up to Him...and ask your d about what she's looking forward to or what they did, after the trip.
That's a normal question for a mom to ask her daughter.
Good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My H's EA partner lived in a city some distance from ours where he sometimes went for work. After his MLC started he found it difficult to be around me and the children, and ensured he was in that city, overnight, at least 4 days of the week. This continued throughout much of the time he was having the EA.
Every night he would call and tell me what he was doing that evening. He never mentioned spending time with her, and I had no access to his (work) phone or computer. Everything I knew about their meetings and conversations came from what he somehow let slip.
At first I'd drive myself crazy wondering about odd lapses in his reports on his time, wondering whether he was communicating with her. But I realized, as you are doing, that I was bringing all that confusion and pain on myself. My focusing on them didn't help him in his journey, and in fact made it more difficult for him to see my growth, because my suspicion reduced me to a person I didn't particularly like.
Later, I discovered that I was often right: he had spent time with her on some days I'd wondered about. Finally, during one of those meetings they agreed that this was their "closure," and they would each work on their primary relationship instead of contacting each other again. Since he continued to go to that city for work (and still does), I could not have remained sane without having learned that I can only control myself.
The insight you've reached, with your D's assistance, is a real gift. I think that, until they reach a certain level of maturity, it's quite common for people having conversations to be more focused on how they can contribute ("wow, your story reminds me of something crazy that happened to me...") than on just listening to and empathizing with others. I think Al Turtle (if you care to google his website) has very interesting things to say on what selfless communication looks like.
I hope you have a wonderful time while you're out of the country, and can really enjoy your time away!
Thank you Cyrena. At least my H does not go to OW's city often. The last time he was we were together for a convention. I know they do talk, however, although nowadays its maybe every few days or so.
Because of this upcoming event, I am getting the urge to snoop. Its as though I want to know where they are now, what relationship they have. My gut tells me its really just more of a friendship at this point but one that could still stir up emotions. To be honest, my H once had an "almost EA" with a friend at work before but ultimately, it died a natural death, and at that time, he never changed towards me. They are still friends now, she is my friend too, and she even stayed with us a couple of months ago. My feeling is that this present EA, though a lot stronger and full blown, courtesy of technology, i think, will go the same way.
I notice that my H also always calls me when he is in OW's city, almost like telling me where he spent each day and night. The gaps in time though are also the ones he spends with her, which really isn't much ( the last time was a lunch together in the 2 days I left to finish the convention on his own).
Thats true, the suspicion and knowledge gained by snooping made me into a person I didn't like and wouldn't want to be with. I am glad to be reading about your experiences as this really reinforces what I should do (not that I don't know what to do!).
Thanks again and I will try to maintain my inner peace.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go