I intend to live forever - so far, so good

[ClingingToHope]

Interesting day yesterday. Started the day off working out at health club with church_31. Just keeping contact when I can while this D stuff winds down.

D12 gets home from school in awful mood. D8 is in a good mood and wants to play.

No dice. So they start fighting about stupid stuff. I think things are calmed down and head back to work when after school sitter gets there.

Things deteriorate after I leave and D12 marches off to walk to STBXW's, who is at work and not home anyway. The after school sitter is nice, but the girls no longer respect her and I end up having to leave work.

When I get to STBXW's, D12 is on the phone with STBXW. I get D12 in the car, D8 had followed on her scooter and she scoots home.

When we get to my house, STBXW wants to talk to me. She goes over what she was told and starts telling me I need to punish them and I should do this and do that.

This makes me angry and I snap at her. So she hangs up and I call back because I no longer want things to be left unsaid. Eventually we have a somewhat civil conversation.

Then I head inside, separate them and start talking to them.

My whole goal with them is to not be angry. They see anger from me and STBXW, and they don't know any better.

I think I did really well. I get D8's story and it was typical. She knows she can push D12's buttons and since D12 was in a bad mood anyway she knew it wouldn't be hard.

D8 thinks she's a bad kid. The psychologists said that in the Tuesday meeting. I tell D8 that I realize now that I was just like her growing up. All the acting out, talking too much, not being able to focus, not being able to stop myself from reacting when I get angry.

I did all of that as a kid.

I asked her if I turned out OK. She said yes, I have a lot of friends, I graduated college, and I have a cool job.

I told her she'll figure this out too. She'll be fine. We just have to keep working at it.

Then I headed upstairs. D12 was really, really mad and kept trying to say things that would make me mad. When I didn't get mad, she got madder. Then she finally asked me why I was sitting there calmly?

I told her that every bad thing that ever happened to my mom was because of her temper, every bad thing that happened to my dad was because of his temper, and just about every bad thing that happened to me was because of my temper and my sole goal right now is to live without anger.

D12 was still mad, but she had homework to do so I left.

D8 wanted to talk some more. I told her I get angry when I'm scared of something. I get angry when they say they want to go to STBXW's because I am scared they will lover her "more" and not want to see me anymore.

I told D8 I was wrong to snap at STBXW when she called. The reason I got mad is that I am scared that STBXW is a better parent than I am or that others will say that I'm not a good father.

D8 gave me a big hug and together we decided to call STBXW and apologize. So I did that. We put STBXW on speaker phone and I told her why I got mad and I was sorry. STBXW then said she got mad because she was not in control of the situation and that scares her.

When it was all over, I still had to do some sort of punishment so I said no electronics -- no Wii, DSI, computer or TV -- and we went to the library.

The rest of the night went perfectly. STBXW brought a book over that D8 needed for school. I felt fine -- no resentment from the phone call. That was all gone.

It really was a good, good ending to a long day.

Tonight is D12's sixth grade graduation and I'll do that. Tomorrow is Donuts for Dad with D8. This end of school year stuff is too much.