Words get in the way

[25yearsmlc]

angel,

I'm not clear on what you two decided about his EA so maybe your distrust is something he can help with too. But if you are harping on it, then yes, it's your problem so don't make it his.

The anger thing is a real drag. I GET IT. OMG, first off, our spouses may not "deserve" it and we might be "right" to be mad. So we have to ask ourselves how important our anger is. Or being right. IOW, do we want to be "right" or happy? (and married).

I'm a believer, so for me, turning my pain and anger over to God ended up being my only real choice. I had to do it. I could not deal with it myself as I was getting consumed by it, not available for my children b/c I was so irritable and preoccupied.

It was like the saying "refusing to let go of anger b/c you want to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes..."

And my anger was Not good at work, and NOT good with h even "in the moment" of ml...
so the anger was hurting us, our family, but mostly hurting ME. H wasn't even aware of it half the time and when he was, it always hurt our R...you'd think I'd figure this out...but NOPE...not me!

So yeah, the anger just had to go. Same with the start of forgivness. It HAD to begin. If it's not possible to forgive or if the event or A is going to get tossed in someone's face forever, or if it's just under the surface and seething, it will poison the M. It's fatal to a happy m. Really really get that, okay?

And the WAS OFTEN thinks the LBSer won't forgive, (and sometimes we give them reason to suspect that) so they won't want to come back. Why should they?

The new account and $3k is something that would have struck me. But I think I'd be able to ask about it with curiousity I hope, as opposed to suspicion. But that's me now, not me 5 years ago.

If you are protecting yourself financially, or can easily, then yes you know you have to cope better. Come up with some "exercise" or coping tool so you can handle those moments, better. I literally came up with mantras and taped a few of my own discovered gems of wisdom to calm myself down at times. I'd take "fury walks" and go for some distance to get endorphins and CALM down.
I had some books on tape on my Ipod. Also some playlists of optimistic music, some inspirational, etc. Whatever works.

My DB coach was great. Very efficient, btw. I mean it's much faster and more helpful in a specific way that most mc's are. Same price for us as local "Ts were so I'm really grateful I connected with my DB coach so well. I highly recommend them.

She told me to "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives the h's do"...well, that can be VERY hard, like Mother Teresa Hard...but dang if it doesn't work.

Also to lose the anger, at least in front of h. Also to keep the road home paved and smooth.

As for being bored when you are in a long car drive, join the club! You need to re-read some of the DB stuff of MWD on this site. Sometimes WE are boring, sometimes life is, sometimes they are.

No one is endlessly entertaining. Doing Diapers, dishes, paying bills, reading the paper and watching the news and talking to young children is NOT ALWAYS interesting...good grief.

We have to accept that. Life is not like in the movies. Who'd pay to see that?

Her piece on this is pretty good. I just re-read it so I know.

I'll post more later but I'm vague on some of your issues. Your h decided he wants to stay m, but he was surprised you loved him deeply and so were you.

Your mom's saying about "he who is alone goes furthest" is actually the opposite of most men's experience and many marrieds. Married people are generally more productive, live longer, etc.

You CAN decide to ditch some of the beliefs you inherited. Treat it like jewelry that doesn't fit your taste, and get rid of it. "Inherit" from her, what helps and fits, and ditch the rest.